Sunday, August 7, 2011

Good Grief

I'm going to be really completely totally honest here. I, Lorie Payne, have not been excited about going to church much lately. Me....the person who never misses, who looks forward to Sunday mornings more than any other morning of the week, who gets refilled and replenished for the week at church.....yes Me, Lorie Payne, has not been excited about going to church. Once I drag myself there, I am getting refueled and enjoying the sermon; but there is something missing. Our new pastor is really great. He is funny, a great speaker, and so far pretty in tune to my personal beliefs; but I still have no connection with him. I've chatted with him briefly, waved hello, etc.; but I have yet to have a meaningful conversation with him. I go to church and listen attentively and am so very grateful that I am really getting a lot from his messages....because I was fearful that I wouldn't....but I still find that something is missing. I have contemplated setting aside a time just to go in and talk to him, share some of myself with him, and hopefully learn more about him; but I haven't done it. I am just not ready to be so emotionally vulnerable to this person yet. I realize it has not even been 6 months since my pastor, Ken, died so suddenly and unexpectedly; and I know that these feelings are all part of the grieving process. Please don't misunderstand....I am thrilled to have been given John as our new pastor....he is, as I said, really great; but I just miss Ken....plain and simple. Ken was and is such a huge part of my day, my week, my month, my life. God taught me so much through Ken, and I have to admit that I still feel so sad without him. I still find myself crying at the mention of his name, while reading certain things, or sharing a meal with his bride. I still find myself crying when I see his mother go up for communion, and hear about his grandson pointing to his picture and saying "Papa". I know God is walking with me, with all of us who grieve the loss of our pastor, I know He is. I know He is continuing to do great things in our church and in our lives, I know He is. I know Ken would want us to continue and move on, I know he would. I know I will, I know we will. Finally today was the first sign of that for was the first Sunday that I didn't cry in church....even when I let my mind wander a little to something that Ken had said or done in the past or imagined him standing at the pulpit....I didn't cry. I know that we will heal and that God will see me and all of us through this time. We will carry Ken's memory, through what God taught us through him, through what God will teach us through John....we will carry on. We will be sure footed in His abounding love.

Psalm 18:33-36
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
he causes me to stand on the heights.
He trains my hands for battle;
my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
You make your saving help my shield,
and your right hand sustains me;
your help has made me great.
You provide a broad path for my feet,
so that my ankles do not give way.

Habakuk 3:17-19
Though the cherry trees don't blossom
and the strawberries don't ripen,
Though the apples are worm-eaten
and the wheat fields stunted,
Though the sheep pens are sheepless
and the cattle barns empty,
I'm singing joyful praise to God.
I'm turning cartwheels of joy to my Savior God.
Counting on God's Rule to prevail,
I take heart and gain strength.
I run like a deer.
I feel like I'm king of the mountain!

1 comment:

Anne said...

Thank you, Lorie, for Thinking Out Loud -- You said what is on our hearts. We are thoughtful about this at this time. I remember Ken saying, "It's good to remember." I remember the SuperBowl commercials after which Ken asked, "When we meet someone new - What do we expect of other people?" We remember Ken too and thank you for this tribute. Love, Rob & Anne.