September 28th.....The Best Day of 2003!!

Happy 15th Birthday Bryna Mae Payne, B-Nut! Bryna, Bryna, Bryna...my wild, messy, passionate, joyful, very TALL and only extrovert. You’re just a joy to watch in all you do. If it wasn’t for watching you sit for hours teaching yourself how to play the guitar when you were 8, I would have sworn you were not capable of sitting still....like ever! I always tease you about being messy and unorganized, but when it comes to things you’re passionate about; that is definitely not the case. You are driven, disciplined and give it 110%! Your great big cheeky smile, that makes your eyes squint, makes my heart so happy. You’re an overcomer, a problem solver and a really good listener. You push us all outside our comfort zone, and for that I am very very thankful. I cannot wait to watch you continue to make the world a better place. Keep singing and dancing your way through life, it makes people smile! One of your God given gifts is making people smile!! I’ll admit that you can wear me out and are completely exhausting, but I wouldn’t have it any other way! You’re my heart, and I adore you! Thank you for telling me you love me every single day and still knowing when I need a hug.

Our Stories

I often find myself trying to figure things out....some of little importance and some of great importance.  Of course I guess the "importance" part would vary depending on who is trying to figure these things out.  I'm an observer, and yes I'll admit I eavesdrop a lot, but it's not usually intentional....but if someone is talking really loudly beside me....well I'm gonna listen. So consider yourself warned.  I've been teaching in high school for five weeks now, and y'all I could write a book on the ins and outs, comings and goings, relationships, all the things really.  I'm definitely not in preschool anymore. 😜There are certain students who are a complete mystery to me, yet I've created their story in my head just by observing.  Then there are students who leave nothing to the imagination, but...as we know, not everything is always as it seems; so again I've created their story in my head.  I'm not always detail oriented, but then again sometimes I am over the top with details.  For example, photographs...I usually pay close attention to the details surrounding the subject, however sometimes I don't notice if the subject's necklace is crooked, they have lipstick on their teeth or toilet paper on their shoe.  When I'm hanging something on the wall, I rarely measure it out perfectly; I'm more likely to eyeball it, hammer in a nail and go for it. I like to think of things like this as more "organic". 😉  If a person is extremely kind and accepting, I don't usually question that.  However if a person seems belligerent, judgmental or gossipy (especially to someone I love); I often wonder why and form all kinds of detail oriented scenarios in my head.  But I've realized, especially lately, that we just don't know everyone's story; and to keep from jumping to conclusions....sometimes you just have to let it be....even if they are trying to put you in a story you don't want to be in.  Realizing that you may not know their story means they probably don't know yours.  It seems that behaviors that are directed specifically towards you may not even be about you, but more likely about the  them.  There are so many things that I don't understand (politics, anger, racism, religion), and I bet you don't either.  Instead of being in a state of constant dismay and confusion over someone else's actions, remember you may not know all the details and simply move on.  It really is that simple. You know who you are! If you don't, it might be a good time to do some soul searching and try to figure out your own personal story.  I've spent the last few years figuring out my story.  Outside circumstances have changed my story, but the one thing I've figured out is who I am in each part of my story.  I mess this up a lot and find myself jumping to conclusions, but I know who I am in every detail.  This is what always brings me back to what I can control....my actions and reactions and realizing most things aren't even about me but about them trying to figure out who they are in this part of their story.  So maybe we need to focus more on what know....kindness and love are some of the best details in all of our stories.

Blame

A little rant coming, so stop here if you don't want to read a rant.  

I don't understand why people can't take responsibility for their own actions.  Why?  Why must others take the blame for things?  Why must excuses be made?  Why can't people, especially adults who are suppose to know better, own up to their bad decisions and mistakes?  This is a big part of why I became so uninterested in politics, the news, social media, etc.  It seems like there's so much blame for things, and nobody willing to ever say...."I was wrong!" Or "I made a mistake!" Or "I'm sorry!"  Being "right" is not that great if you really deep down inside know you're wrong.  For me personally, if I don't own it; then I had no part in it.  I use to accept blame for things to keep peace, and because I do not like confrontation....even if I had no part in whatever it was.  As I've gotten older and in the last few years especially, I've decided I'm done with that.  If I make a mistake, I'm going to own it.  I'm going to apologize.  If I didn't, I'm not!  Letting yourself be blamed for something you had no part in is an act of self loathing, and y'all....NO MORE!  If you do this, stop it.  If you think it's the only way to keep peace or maintain a relationship, maybe that relationship is not one that's meant to be?  Letting this go and these relationships go has been very very freeing and made me realize that I am worth more.  You are too.

All Good Things Must Come To An End

"All Good Things Must Come To An End".  What do you think about that saying?  Do you agree with it?  I don't really know what I think about this.  In my lifetime, I've had some good things that have ended; but have they really?  My parents both died, and those were really good parts of my life....wonderful parts; but did it really end?  They are still a huge part of me every single day.  Some really good relationships have ended too, but I discovered that they weren't all really that good; or they haven't really ended....just paused.  I've ended some good jobs and some good seasons of life, but are they really over?  They've helped shape me, and I've met some of the greatest people I know at those jobs and in those seasons.  I wonder if some seasons ended, or if I just outgrew them?  I don't really know.  I feel like the things that are really good....even if they are no longer....did not really end, because I took away something meaningful and special that I still hold close to my heart.  However some endings are painful and brutal and not your decision, so maybe those situations are really endings.  I guess "SOME Good Things Must Come To An End", but definitely not all.

The Book I Am Writing

I've been reading a lot lately.  I love to read.  The books I've been reading are love stories.  The one I just finished is going to stick with me....it was tragic!  TRAGIC!!!  Tragic love stories are not books I read or movies I watch, because tragic is hard.  I feel that to my bones.  I'm 110% empath, and I feel other people's pain (even made up characters) but especially people I know deep deep in my heart and soul.  I started writing a book last year about real life LOVE stories, and reading these books has definitely lit a fire in me to continue.  It's been on hold for quite a while now.  I decided, when I started the book, that it wouldn't be rushed; and if it took me a very long time to finish it....then so be it.   I'm waiting for the right story to end it with, but I haven't found it yet.  When I do, it will be time to finish it.  If you have a love story to share with me, I would be honored to sit down with you and hear all about it.

"Jesus Loves You"

So there's this group of people who spend Saturdays and Sundays caring for homeless people in our cities.  A few weeks ago, I went to help on a Sunday.  There is food, clothing, fellowship and a message about how much Jesus loves us.  I was listening to the pastor while I was handing out food, and he was talking about how God had changed his life.  How he use to be harder and not so loving, then he suffered a terrible tragedy; and the only way he survived it was through the love of Jesus.  He became gentle and full of love.  One of the examples he gave was about how he use to get really angry while driving, but how now he doesn't get angry.  Instead of saying something profane when getting cut off in traffic, he says "Jesus loves you".  I get easily irritated while driving as well, so I decided to give this a try.  I've been saying "Jesus loves you" nearly every time I'm in the car, and let me tell you....it has made a huge difference in my attitude and irritability.  So maybe try something like this when you're feeling cranky or irritated or out of sorts and see if it works for you too.

September 3rd!!! The Best Day of 2006!!!

Happy 12th Birthday ElliCinderelliWithABellyFullofJelly!!! Elliot Ann Payne, 

the best surprise we've ever received. Elliot meaning 

"Jehovah is God" or "Praise God", and Ann meaning "Grace" or "Favor". Truly my angel sent for helping heal my heart after my dad died and reminding me of him every time I look in your eyes. God is so clever!! You are the most amazing person, who has done so much good, in just a short time you've been here. Elli, you are truly a bright light that shines in the darkest days and in the brightest days. Kind, forgiving, loving to all and the sweetest soul....who always puts other people first. My girl, who can throw down to some rap music, and lip sync like a boss and who is the funniest person I know (besides maybe your dad). Thank you for still going along with most of my shenanigans and laughing with me or at me (it's basically the same thing 😂). We are so so fortunate to get to spend our lives calling you our sister and daughter. I cannot wait to see where God leads you, because I know you will follow Him. You definitely make life more fun!! I adore you E!! You're my heart!!