HOPE SPOKEN

Out of the blue about 3 weeks ago, I heard about this conference that was in my area.  I didn't even have to read about it when I saw who the speakers were going to be, I knew I MUST GO!  Of course the tickets were sold out and had been for a long time, but still....I contacted the people in charge, put my request on social media and inquired.  NO LUCK! :(  About a week later, I received a message that a ticket had become available.  I said YES and purchased it right away.  This past weekend was Hope Spoken, and it was more amazing than I thought.  I drove the 30 mile jaunt back and forth for 3 days, all alone.  Each day, I was more blessed than the one before.  I met the most amazing women and heard the most amazing testimonies....some were really intense, and some were not; but all of them touched my life.  NPayne asked me the first day....so you're going to this alone?  I said, yes...and I think it will be good for me to go alone; and it was sooooo good.   I have been struggling for a while with contentment, and I have been asking Jesus to help me figure out a way to find it again.  I feel like a person walking around in someone else's body, because I haven't felt like I am where I am suppose to be.  As a young adult...I had flowery dreams of living in the country, driving an old pick-up truck, farming my land, with a bunch of kids around me, living the simple life.  The husband....well I didn't really want one of those.  How I was going to get the kids was a detail I would figure out later. ;)  God had other plans for me, and I happened to meet the most amazing man and let him sweep me off my feet....kicking and screaming a little at first....but soon I was completely his.  I don't live in the country, but right in the middle of the city....a very busy city.  I don't drive an old pick-up truck, but my suburban is almost 14 years old.  I don't farm my own land, but we do have 7 hens and are planning a garden soon.  I do, however, have a bunch of kids....at least to some people 5 is a bunch....AND I figured out how to get those kids! ;)  I still long for a simpler way of life, and it isn't what I dreamed it would be; but it is better.  God, I'm sorry I fight you so hard....your ways are best!

ME

I have a great eye for detail, but I'm only detail oriented about things that I find interesting.
I love projects, but I'm usually too overwhelmed with the project to get started.
I am surrounded by people, but I usually feel very alone.
I am very organized, but I'm not easily motivated.
I am confident, but I'm very insecure.
I'm very creative, but I'm not trendy.
I love my house in the city, but I'm not a city girl.
I am the mother of five, but I'm not good at multi-tasking.
I am easily restless, but I'm never bored.
I am a rule follower, but I love exceptions.
I am a planner, but I don't usually have a plan.

We bought a prom dress...

We went shopping yesterday and found Addi's prom dress. She tried on a few, and she liked several. When she put on the one we bought, I saw how much she loved it in her face. She is going to look so pretty that night. Time is ticking....she's almost finished with high school. This young lady has made such an impact on the lives of so many, and I cannot wait to see what her future holds. She shines brightly....oh so brightly!

Joy Prouty, Photography, Inspiration, Contentment/Discontentment

Contentment is the acknowledgement and satisfaction of reaching capacity. The level of capacity reached may be sought after, expected, desired, or simply predetermined as the level in which provides contentment. Contentment may be considered as synonymous with happiness but is more basic or prior to happiness that can be derived from outer achievement or self-improvement.

For this reason, colloquially, contentment is simply a way of accepting one's life state and being grateful or happy with it. Many see contentment as an attitude towards situations. It may even be argued that this attitude of contentment leads to more positive outcomes as a result of the relaxation that goes with being contented.

I haven't been content, really content, in a couple of years and not just with my work, but with my life. I use to scour the internet looking at photographers' and artists' blogs for inspiration and guidance. At first, I was very inspired. After a while, I found that I was comparing myself to many and became more insecure than ever. I stopped reading blogs a few years ago. When I watched Joy on the Click live stream, I became intrigued again. I had read her blog in the past, but stopped when I stopped reading all blogs. Honestly I had no idea what Click was, but a friend of mine was there and kept posting stuff about it on FB. When I heard Joy was speaking, I decided to watch it. After that, I started reading her blog again. I knew I had to eventually meet her.  I recently spent 3 days with her, and I came home feeling like I was on the right path with my inner struggle....learning about photography was a bonus for me. I went to Austin to learn about her...in hopes that it would help me learn about me. My life is good...I have the most amazing man in my life. He is the foundation for my family, and he is my rock. He holds us together. My kids are amazing, creative people who inspire me daily. We are settled in our community. I have great girlfriends who support me and encourage me, and I am strong in my faith. We have made a wonderful life, but still contentment is lacking. I am always restless. It's definitely a struggle inside of me and not based on anyone else. I'm not sure what my path will hold as far as photography goes, but I know I will always take pictures. 
I don't feel understood or valued, and that is a struggle inside of me; but it is real and awful.  I can't stand injustice, and I see it daily in my own neighborhood; and it is real and awful.  I'm not sure where to go or what to do to settle my soul down, but I have to do something; so I'll keep praying.  Contentment....where are you?  Discontentment....go away!

March 3....The Best Day of 1997!

Happy Birthday to the one who started it all! Eighteen years ago today, I became a mama for the first time. Little did I know what to expect and how that day would change my life forever and for better. I remember calling my own mother after you were born to tell her....NOW I GET IT! NOW I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LOVE ME! You are the best and most perfect biggest sister for this family. You have given your siblings so much to look up to, and they each treasure their relationship with you. Keep on doing good, loving deep and giving fiercely! Your 18 years have already made a huge impact on this world. You're one of my biggest heroes, and I adore you. BTW...thank you for always hugging me back everytime you walk in the room! XOXO  EIGHTEEN....SIGH!

I DO NOT KNOW!

I don't know..... that seems to be my response to so much lately.  I DO NOT KNOW!
How are you feeling?  I don't know.
What's for dinner?  I don't know.
Are we going to church?  I don't know.
Do we have weekend plans?  I don't know.
Can I go?????  I don't know.
Why did that happen?  I don't know.
Where are my shoes?  I don't know.
Are you available?  I don't know.  Really I do, and most of the time I choose not to be.
What's wrong?  I don't know.
Are you okay? I don't know.

But then....something will happen....and I mean something big, and I will know:

"If your heart is broken, you'll find GOD right there; if you're kicked in the gut He'll help you catch your breath." Psalm 34:18

February 5th...the best day of 2001! Drew is 14!!

Happy Birthday Drewby Lou.  My sweet, organic, hippyish, smack dab in the middle child with an old soul.  You are the most like me...a worrier, with insecurities, who is quiet and shy, but who loves HARD and full and feels others' feelings so strongly.  You are black and white with not much middle ground, but you know what you like and don't like.  When you were little you declared yourself as a tomboy who liked to wear dresses.  When I asked you what extra curricular activity you wanted to do, you would say..."I just wanna be a kid", and that made me so happy.  I love that you hug and kiss me every day and that you always thank us for taking care of your needs.  I'm so grateful that you will share yourself with me still and so proud of your non-judgmental heart.  You will be a wonderful mama someday and a wonderful wife.  I know you will do great things in this world.  You bring so much joy to  my life that I cannot put it into words.  I adore you Drewby Lou!  Thank you God for Princess Drew, thank you God!!

Happy Birthday Dad!

For the first time in a while, I have a little downtime.  I sit in my dark, quiet house and think and cry and think.
One of my lifelong friend's dad's died unexpectedly Friday morning....the same day as my mother-in-law's funeral.  As I sat in the church yesterday and listened to the Latin Mass, I thought about him....her dad.  And I thought about him....my dad.  And I watched them....my other friend with both of her parents there.  I smiled as I remembered things her dad would say and do when we were younger, and I thought about my dad.  I thought about the things that he did that drove me nuts, and I smiled; because I found myself thinking that those things would still drive me nuts even though I miss my dad like crazy.  I thought about how my friend told us that her dad would tuck her in at night like a papoose, so he could hug and kiss her until she laughed.  I thought about how my dad would always kiss and hug me goodbye and hello.  I thought about how she didn't get to say goodbye to her dad, because he died before she got there.  I thought about the last things I said to my dad, and the smiles on his face even though he could no longer speak.  I thought about my friend sitting with both of her parents, who are approaching their 80th birthdays; and I wondered....does she know how fortunate she is?  Of course she does, but does she really?  Today is my dad's birthday.  He would have been 72.  This year marks 10 years since he left this earth, and yes my life has carried on....all of ours have....but it has not been the same.  My kids no longer have the luxury of a living grandparent...not even one.  My grandparents were so instrumental in my life, and it makes me sad to know my children will miss out on that.  They have so much support from family and friends, and I am so thankful for that; but it will never be the same.  Happy Birthday Dad aka Papa aka Russ!  We miss you like crazy!

Rest In Peace Madalyn

Sometimes life is hard, actually sometimes it just sucks!  My sweet mother-in-law, Madalyn, died last Saturday.  She was sick, and nobody could figure out how to make her well; and we are heartbroken.  It's so surreal and weird right after someone who is such an integral part of your life is no longer there in physical form.  Listening to stories about her, I learned quite a bit this past week. From what I understand, she could be quite a feisty lady in her younger years.  I've known Madalyn for almost 26 years, and I may have seen a little feistiness; but what I know is this:

she was kind and gentle and caring!  She loved us unconditionally and would do ANYTHING, I mean ANYTHING, for us!  She loved me from the start as her own without hesitation and always embraced the relationship that NPayne and I share.  When we found out we were expecting our first baby, my mom said...."Now I am not going to be a built in babysitter", and Madalyn happily chimed in with...."I will".  Of course once Addi was born, my mom's tune quickly changed; but Madalyn already knew.  She loved hard and hearty and wholly, and it was the kind of love that filled you to the brim so full you could explode.  I honestly cannot remember a time that I saw her angry....in 26 years....I don't remember seeing her angry.  I get angry about 26 times/week, so this is something I have always admired in her.  She is where NPayne and Addi get their laid back and easy going disposition, and where B gets her love of life and joyful spirit (and her nose ;)).  We were driving to NPayne's sister's house today to visit with the family, who came in town for the funeral, and I found myself thinking of something I needed to tell Madalyn when we got there; and then I remembered....

Adjusting to the new normal is never easy, and it's oftentimes unpleasant and very very hard, but I know it happens.  Things will never be the same, they just won't.  NPayne's Uncle Don wrote something about Madalyn that I think describes the kind of person she was perfectly.  Uncle Don is NPayne's dad's brother, Madalyn's brother-in-law.  NPayne's dad died when he was 13 months old, and Madalyn didn't talk about him much.  I don't think it was because she didn't want to, but it was because it was just too difficult.  Over the years, we had learned a lot about him from Uncle Don.  I knew the person she was, but if you didn't; you would by reading what Uncle Don wrote about her. 

Here it is:

I will try to make this as brief as possible, but it is difficult to tell, in a short synopsis, of what Madalyn did for me. 

I was the caregiver to my brother, Al, from the age of 12 to 17. Madalyn and her mother, sister, moved into the duplex apartment my mother rented. She was engaged at that time to a military soldier serving in Viet Nam. When he returned from Viet Nam they broke off the engagement, and she began spending more time with Al. She would feed him, watch TV, and talk.

In June of 1960, they married. Up until that time, I was going to graduate from High School and continue to care for Al. But, because Madalyn had come into our lives, my future changed. She committed herself to care for Al, and she did so for the next 12 years until his death in 1972. I cannot think of another woman that would give up her life to care for a man in my brothers condition. In all the years she cared for Al, I cannot remember a single time she ever complained. They had a wonderful life together, and had three amazing children, Melody, Melinda, and Neil. 

I look back over the past 55 years of my life, and I realize that everything I have accomplished, is because a woman named Madalyn stepped in, and took over my duties as caregiver. For that I will be eternally grateful. She gave my brother a quality of life that I, nor any other person could offer. Al was totally paralyzed, could not breath without the use of a rocking bed and chest respirator, could not feed himself, but one thing he could do was let you know he was the master of the house, and Madalyn just went along and let him think he was. 

Madalyn was a truly wonderful, caring, and remarkable woman, a woman that took on a challenge no other would attempt to even consider, and I  cannot begin to put into words what that meant to me. So--Thank you Madalyn, I probably didn't tell you as often as I should have, how much I loved you. You gave me my life, and my brother a life he could never have imagined. I look at my wife, my children and grandchildren, and realize how different my journey would have been if you had not come into my life. I look at Melody, Melinda and Neil, and your grandchildren and realize that Al's journey would most certainly have taken a different path, had you not come into his life. 

Thanks for everything you did. 

Don 

Madalyn

My mother-in-law has been very ill.  She is currently in ICU but finally stabilized.  The doctors have been baffled, and it took several days to get her stable.  NPayne has been visiting her regularly, in between work, and home.  The first night she was in ICU, he came home; and I could tell it was wearing him down.  After losing both my parents, I know the torment of wanting what's best for you ailing parent, wanting them here with you, wanting no more suffering, the exhaustion of the worry and driving back & forth, and the WAITING!  He filled me in, and as he was about to walk out of our room I said; It doesn't matter how prepared you think you are, you won't be.  He nodded through weepy eyes, a quivery voice; and said I know.  It's stressful when your parent is ailing....one of the most stressful things I've endured.  I don't know if everyone will agree with this next statement or not, but I felt so blessed to be with both of my parents at the time of their death.  It broke my heart in a million pieces, and the pain is more than I can describe in words; but I was so glad they knew I was there with them.  We are praying for Madalyn to get better, it's going to be a long recovery.  I am praying for my husband and his sister as they travel back & forth to be with their mom.