You May Say I'm A Dreamer....

Do you dream?  I do....not often at night while sleeping, but instead every moment of every day.  Sometimes I find myself lost in dreams, so much so, that I can spend hours a day dreaming until I'm forced back to reality.  Don't get me wrong, my reality is good....I've got a happy home, and everything I could ever need....but still I dream.  I use to think that being a dreamer sometimes made me seem unmotivated or even lazy, or maybe that was just my perception of myself....as I sit in my dreams for hours.  But now I know that I'm not unmotivated or lazy, I'm a dreamer.  I dream about now and then and what's to come and what could have been.  I dream about life and love and heaven.  I dream about time and peace and simplicity.  I dream about the world as God meant it to be.  I dream about babies without mommies and daddies and mommies and daddies without babies.  I dream about cures for conditions and diseases. I dream about joy and happiness and sadness and sorrow.  I dream about saving and serving people.  I dream about writing and picture taking and exploring.  I dream about quiet....oh how I dream about quiet.  I dream about music and beauty and passion.  I dream....I'm a dreamer.
I  dream about coming together with other dreamers to make a difference in our world.

 “You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us. And the world will live as one.”
― John Lennon

“All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake up in the day to find it was vanity, but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible.”
― T.E. Lawrence, Seven Pillars of Wisdom: A Triumph

My Book

I'm going to write a book!  I think it's been in me for a long time, and I am feeling that time is now!  It may take 6 months, and it may take 6 years; but it's coming.  The good part is....I have no idea what I'm going to write about. STAY TUNED....this will be interesting and could be hysterical.

Passion

Passion....what are you passionate about?  I'm passionate about my husband and my children.  I'm passionate about my Jesus.  I'm passionate about....well....the rest is kinda foggy.  I use to feel passionate about lots of other things, but as of late....I just don't.  It hit me today like a ton of bricks, that I am losing my passion.  I feel very unsettled in life and very in limbo.  I don't know if I'm coming or going.  I'm praying it's just a season, but I kinda think it's not.  I kinda think it's another nudge from my good ole savior telling me....YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO ME!  YOU NEED TO BE OBEDIENT!  I'm not sure what all that means, but I hope I can figure it out soon...or I hope He can bop me (and a few others) upside the head; so we can listen and obey.

Mama and Daddy

I sit and watch and listen....it's not the first time, and it won't be the last.  My heart smiles through the hole that is there.  Watching children with their grandparents...it's so bittersweet.  I miss my parents so, and I miss watching them with my children.  I miss watching my sweet mother-in-law with my children.  I read love notes and endearing words, on social media, written by my friends for their mamas and daddies; and I hope they know....how fortunate they are to still have them here.  Open houses, performances, grandparents' days....those are hard, and they will always be hard for my kids.  It hurts my heart for them and for me, but mostly for them.  Sometimes I just need my mama and daddy.  A few weeks ago, I was listening to someone speak about being an orphan.  That word resonates with me so strong, because I am one....both of my parents have passed on.  I don't remember a lot about what the speaker said, except this:  If you're an orphan, remember this:  You have a heavenly father who is with you always.  He is right here anytime you need Him.  That provided me with the greatest comfort I've had, since my mother died almost 2 years ago.  Although I've known that and believed that in my head, I have not felt that in my heart until I heard those words....then there was a connection between the two.  It hasn't been easy, not at all, and grief has a big hold on me.  I expect it always will to some extent, but it also reminds me of how much love there was between me and my parents and my husband's mama.  My heart still hurts when I see sweet reminders, but sometimes it hurts in a good way.  I just pray that those who still have their mamas and daddies and grandparents for their kids know just how fortunate they are.

Friends

Friends....I am grateful! Oh how I am grateful! I have friends from all walks of life, and I am so blessed by these people. The encouragement and love they provide is something I need so desperately. Grieving, celebrating, crying, laughing, rejoicing, holding each other up....I couldn't do life without them. Many of my friends have or are facing some big challenges, heartbreaks, losses, worries; yet they remain faithful. Their faith has changed my life.  They have made me strong and supported me through so much. They have loved me when I wasn't so easy to love and stood by me when others turned their backs. To my friends...I love you and I thank God for bringing you into my life! You know who you are!😘😘

March 3....The Best Day of 1997!!!

NINETEEN!  Happy Birthday to my sweet Addison Jo Payne.  You're the one that introduced me to the most wonderful, exhausting, hardest, rewarding experience of my life...being a mama.  You entered the world fast and furious, yet you are anything but...my easy going and laid back child with a wit as sharp as a tack.  The quiet silent type, so much so, that people have asked me if you ever speak. ;)  You have your dad's chill out disposition and my my weird sense of humor, except you don't laugh nearly as loud as I do. The best biggest sister we could have hoped for.  I had to post pictures of you and each of your siblings, because you have a wonderful and unique relationship with each one.  They all adore you and are always excited when you come home.  NINETEEN YEARS...I could not be more proud of the person you are, the obstacles you have overcome, and the goodness you have in your heart! You are going to change the world. You're my heart AJP!

February 5th....the best day of 2001!

Happy Birthday Drewby Lou!  FIFTEEN!  All in one week, you passed your permit test, got a summer job at Camp Thurman and turned 15!!  I cannot believe how fast time has gone.  I remember 15 years ago today how excited Addi was to have a baby sister.  You were the easiest delivery, but you are my most complex child:  a deep thinker, quiet and very introspective.  Your perspective has always been that of an adult....wondering and worrying about how to make the world a better place....cautious of choices you make that will harm anyone or anything.  Your existence has brought happiness to so many people, and we are grateful you were born.  You're a lover of the ecclectic, a talented artist and music is your love language.  Named after several people we love....Drew Michelle Payne....I hope you have the happiest of years! I adore you!  You have my heart!

Life Is Hard

Over the last few months, I've found myself thinking...."LIFE IS HARD"!  It wasn't until today after a long conversation with someone I love dearly that I realized....it's not really life that's hard, it's us that's hard....PEOPLE!  I wish there was peace among everyone, in their innermost selves, and with all of those around....ones we know personally and ones we don't.  For years and years, my greatest wish has been peace on earth and for years and years, I thought it was possible; but I must admit....I find myself not being so optimistic anymore.  There are some wonderful great people in the world doing wonderful great things, but there are also some not so wonderful people in the world doing not so great things.  I pray for peace within my own soul and heart daily, and oftentimes I just whisper a name....JESUS....followed by the phrase....YOU GOT THIS!  I GIVE IT TO YOU!  It is then that peace fills my spirit.  But it doesn't come naturally or easy for me....I have to stop and pause for a good long while when I whisper those words.  I have to clear my mind.  I have to think about what I'm trying to control.  Then I have to physically feel myself let it go.  It's a process and one I'm still practicing.  Sometimes the turmoil within my heart and soul comes back the very next day, and I am whispering those words again.  I will always pray for peace on earth, but I don't think I'll say Life Is Hard anymore.

I Cry When I'm Alone....

Sometimes when I'm alone, which is very rare, I cry.  My mind has time to clear and reflect and think deep which is who I am....a deep thinker.  I think about the things I've been given and what I'm doing with them.  Am I using them to glorify our God?  Am I making the best decisions?  Am I being obedient?  Am I?  I think about the people in my life and pray that they see Jesus through me.  And I think about the times that I have messed up and the times that I know they haven't seen Jesus, and I cry.  And then I think about the times I have asked them to forgive me, taken responsibility and given them unconditional love; and I cry again.  Talking the talk is easier than it seems to me, but walking the walk....that's where it gets tricky.  In today's world, I feel like I am oftentimes looked at as the "bad" guy; because I believe in The Bible and want to live by it as best as I can.  I feel like, although I'm very open minded, I'm also condemned for being somewhat conservative in some of my views.  I know my children often think I'm too hard on them, and I may be harder than many parents; but I'm not too hard.  I believe in respect, obedience, earning trust and natural consequences.  I believe that I should know the people they spend time with, and if I'm not given the opportunity to get to know them; then they don't get to spend much time with them.  I believe that many, not all, but many parents have very different views on what's appropriate and what's not than I do.  We are not all the same:  we don't think the same, act the same, live the same; and that's okay.  My choices and beliefs are not better than anyone elses', they may just be different.  However even through ridicule, arguments, conflict; I stand behind what I believe to be the best thing for me, my family and other people giving God the glory.  And then I cry when it gets hard and sometimes I cry when it's not hard.  That's just how I roll.

Happy Birthday NPayne!!

Happy Birthday to my main squeeze....NPayne! You are now officially closer to 50 than 40! You will never be as old as me, but thankfully that helps keep me young.  
Thank you for making me laugh every day. Thank you for not shushing me when I cackle really loud at things that most people don't think are funny. Thank you for humoring me when I send you videos of me lip syncing Justin Timberlake to you. Thank you for dancing with me when I ask you to. Thank you for always telling me I'm pretty even when I'm not. Thank you for reading the 100s of texts and emails I send you every day. Thank you for cleaning your side of our bedroom (okay so that was not really true, but trying some reverse psychology ). Thank you for taking us on awesome adventures. Thank you for being fun and goofy. Thank you for sharing your love of music and creativity in our home. 
Thank you for taking such good care of us, for always encouraging people to use their gifts and for doing whatever you can to make life better for so many. Thank you for the example you set by serving and loving and doing it because that's just who you are. Thank you for finding something good in every day and for always reminding me that there is always something to be grateful for. Thank you for holding me up on days when I couldn't have held myself up. Thank you for being humble, accepting, firm in your beliefs and for living out your words. You are definitely a man who practices what he preaches. Happy BDay! You'll always be the one!