Pony Camp and A Pity Party

I just want to start out this post by gently reminding anyone who is reading that this is my blog, and I originally set it up to use as a journal for my thoughts and feelings. With that being said, I am about to throw myself a little pity party here. Today was not the greatest of days....I know....I know it could have been worse, and I remind myself of that daily; but sometimes....just every now and then....I need to sulk. Today was Pony Camp....better known as 6th grade orientation. As anyone who has read my blog for the last few months will know, my son....Callahan....who has Fragile X and Autism is starting 6th grade....middle school....a completely new school environment for him. He has attended his elementary school since he was 3, and now he will be in a new building with new teachers and many new students. A little scary for a typical child....much less a child who doesn't do transitions or "new" anything very well. I could tell he was anxious this week about Pony Camp. He knows that he starts school on August 23rd, but he wasn't sure about what was happening on August 19th. His special ed teacher and his therapist were going to be there to greet us. I prepared him as best as I could, social story, answering the same questions over and over and over. But as the time approached, I could sense his tension and my own...to be quite honest. The last thing I want is for Cal to have a huge meltdown and scare the pants off of some of his "new"potential friends. I hate to admit it, but if I'm going to be completely honest....that is the main thing that is most challenging for me about having a child with special needs....the judgements and preconceived notions and stares and rude comments. It's not really even hurtful to Cal, because he barely even notices it; but it's so hurtful to me. I know it's not about me....I KNOW! As we started to drive to the school, I frantically began sending out texts and requests for prayers for peace for Cal and myself. I know I should maybe have thought about that a little earlier, but you know what they say....in your need is when you seek the most. As we walked up to the school, I saw many 6th graders who looked anxious as well and many parents too; but I kept thinking....you have no idea what anxiety is! There I was....making preconceived notions of my own....I don't know many of those families and their circumstances....but nobody could be as anxious as Cal and I....right? I saw children smiling nervously and parents leaving with that look of melancholy on their faces. As Cal and I approached the door, he immediately started to meltdown. He began to cry and scream. We went and sat on a bench and waited for his teacher and therapist to retrieve us. As we waited I saw a few familiar parents, some of whom know Cal and some of whom don't, and secretly I hoped they wouldn't speak to me right then. Some did, and I politely acknowledged them but didn't extend the conversation. I just didn't want anyone to speak to Cal at that particular moment....knowing full well that he would NOT speak kindly back to them. I watched a few parents wipe a tear from their eye as they left their now 6th grader in the middle school, and again I thought my tears are for a completely different reason. I just kept thinking....this is such a big day....we should be taking pictures and enjoying this milestone and I should be wiping away a tear of melancholy not disappointment....but instead I'm sitting here sweating with my 11 year old son throwing a fit and refusing to enter the school. After a discussion, an ultimatum, a bribe, everything we could think of with Cal....his teacher and therapist asked if I would be okay with leaving him there with them. I said "Yes, but are you okay with me leaving him here?" They had developed a plan....tell him you're leaving, then walk back into the school and out the other door....that way we will see if he will follow you into the school. So I told him I was leaving and would come back at 2:00 to get him....Cal lives his life by a clock and a calendar. He started to cry harder and said he wanted to go home. So I left and drove around aimlessly for 30 minutes....moping and sulking and wishing he was inside touring the school with his friends. I went back to get him, and he had agreed to go inside the school just to get to the other exit door where I would pick him up. There he sat....waiting for me....with his teacher and therapist. I talked with them briefly about drop off and strategy for the first day of school, and then met Cal in the car where he had already gotten in and turned the a/c on high. His teacher handed me a bottle of water to give him. She said, "He will need this!" When I got into the car, Cal asked me "What happened at the middle school?" which is his way of admitting that something didn't go the way we had all hoped. I calmly said...."You had a fit!" Then he said, "On Monday, I start school." I said, "Yes, will you go in on Monday?" He happily said "YES!" Let's just pray he does! I guess August 19th just wasn't part of his mental calendar!