I Am Weak...He is Strong!

STOP....I want to get off!

My baby girl is about to be FIVE!

My oldest baby is in high school!

My smack dab in the middle child has one year left in elementary school!

My boy has one year left in middle school!

My 4th child...well she's still only in second grade...whew!

I'm thinking I'm way past being middle aged!

I have a job!

The craziness of the school year is completely upon me...oh and the rest of my family!

I'm drowning in paperwork!

My organization needs to be organized!

I'm more restless than ever!

And then I remember this..... that where I am weak, HE is strong! He lifts me up and continues to walk right beside me in the things that overwhelm me!

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

H & D....Ain't Love Grand?

These are engagements I took about a month ago. Tomorrow I have the wonderful pleasure of shooting their wedding! I love LOVE! To see more of this super fabulous couple, click here!

First Day Of School

Last year on the first day of school....Elliot waving goodbye to her brother and sisters. She said, "I hope they come back!"

This year on the first day of school,

Elliot waving again and hoping they will come back.

This year she knows they will.

Next year, it will be a photo of me waving goodbye.

Well actually it won't, because there will be nobody here to take it.

Next year, it will be me with a box of tissue and a sedative.

I'll be home without a little for the first time in 15 years.

I'm verklempt just thinking about it.

M is for Molly.....a beautiful bride.

To see more of Molly's bridals, click here!

My Baby Girl

She is almost FIVE.....sigh!

I can't believe it.

NPayne

Time...

And Time Again....

He has stood by me!

RESTLESS

I have been discontent. I'm not sure why, because my life is full and happy. But still I remain discontent. I have felt this way for a very long time....at least a year or so. Please don't confuse discontent with being ungrateful, because that I am not....ungrateful that is. I am so very grateful for so many things....big, small, simple, complex....I am grateful. Praise God! I'm just not content. I've struggled with it and tried to figure out what to do with this looming feeling....move, change jobs, etc. I really had no idea what to do about this feeling, and then I realized.....TODAY....while sitting at my desk....I realized that I don't think I'm discontent as much as I am restless. This struck me as odd, because I am not a fan of being busy; so being "restless" seems contradictory. As I sat there, putting together a bulletin board for the school where I work, I kept wondering why I was so discontent. The more I thought about it and what that meant, the more I realized I am not discontent but restless. How could that be? When I thought about what restless means, I kept thinking of not being able to sit still....and that is definitely not me. I can sit still all day long and be completely happy! ;)

I looked it up, and these were the descriptive definitions I found:

restless (ˈrɛstlɪs)
— adj
1.	unable to stay still or quiet
2.	ceaselessly active or moving: the restless wind
3.	worried; anxious; uneasy
4.	not restful; without repose: a restless night

Really the only that could apply to me would be #3...worried, anxious; uneasy; because yes I am a self admitted worrier. But I am not a person who likes to be on the go or busy, so how could this feeling be what I've been feeling for so long. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I am restless with my time. I haven't been able to spend the time I want to spend in the way I want to spend it and in turn, I have become quite restless. I need to be more conscious of managing my time and the way I spend it. I need to consult GOD instead of needing to be in complete control of my day, but what I really need to do is to listen....and spend it the way He tells me to. I think that's why I've been so restless, because He has been laying so many things on my heart; and I have not had "the time" to carry them out in the way that I would like to. I really need to continue to consult Him and let Him control my time. Praying I can do so!

How Do You Pray?

I pray for people I don't know. Yes I do. I pray for people, that I don't know that others may ask me to pray for. I pray for people, that I don't know but have stumbled across their need for prayer. I pray for people I don't know in a general, blanket type of prayer. Yes I do. I have been praying for Kate McRae for a few years now. I have never met Kate or anyone in her family, but still I pray. Kate is a little girl with a brain tumor. Tonight when I read her blog, that her mother writes, I realized that I have only been visiting it when I have a moment....which honestly isn't that often lately, but I also realized that I have only been praying for her and her family when I visit the blog. That is a PROBLEM. I need to be more intentional in praying for those who have asked me to and those who have not. I will admit that oftentimes when I'm sitting in the carpool lane, at a stop light, in the bath tub, reading my devotional; I will talk to God and pray for those who need it. Sometimes I become overwhelmed with the amount of people who ask me to pray for people I know and don't know, so I try to keep a prayer list; so I don't forget one. Now I know, and you know that He knows who needs prayer; and He knows what's on my heart and mind. But I know that you know that He enjoys it when we talk to Him....although He already knows what we are going to pray. He wants us to come to Him for everything.....prayers for needs and wants, prayers for praise and thanksgiving, prayers of supplication, EVERYTHING! I pray a lot....not as often as I should but a lot, and I always start my conversation....because I usually do prayer as if God and I were talking with each other.....with praise and thanksgiving. Then I get into the specific requests, the love, the blanket requests. Sometimes I don't say anything but simply "THANK YOU!" and that's enough!

Ten More

I wish I had TEN MORE:

babies

dollars

cars

gallons

Bibles

pets

books

years

days

minutes

But I don't.

But if I did, I would give them away....except for the babies and the years; those I would definitely keep!

More Photos

Wanna see more? Click here to see who these cute toes belong to!

It's Hot In Texas

I live in Texas....North Texas....and it's hot....and we need some rain. We've been teased the last two days, that maybe, just maybe it might rain....but it hasn't. My grass is yellow and completely dead, our flowers are dying (although we do water them a little), and I'm sure the foundation under our house is wondering...."What is going on? Why is it so stinkin' hot?" We are on water rationing, but we have chosen not to water our yard at all; and here is why!

1. NPayne is not a fan of yardwork, so he is not that concerned that our yard is dead.

2. Our outside faucet, the one and only in the front yard, has a horrible leak which would be a horrible waste of water.

3. Our sprinkler doesn't work.

4. There are farmers losing their crops due to lack of water....their livelihood.

5. There are farmers and ranchers losing their livestock due to lack of water....their livelihood and animals' lives.

6. The lakes are low which means our water supply is low which means I'm afraid there may come a day that we don't have any water.

7. Anytime I'm on the highway, which isn't often, I see those big signs that say...."We are in a severe drought!" It sorta makes me feel guilty about wishing I was watering my grass.

So what I'm saying is this....it stinks that our grass is dead and our flowers are dying and our house is going to end up with a thousand new cracks in the walls whenever the rain does wet our foundation again, BUT...having a nice green yard, and beautifully blooming flowers and a nice moist foundation is not worth people losing their crops, their cattle, doing without water all together! So we made a conscious choice, and we hope it helps someone somewhere!

OXYMORON

I've discovered, or maybe I have known, that I am sort of an oxymoron about many things.

I'm an amateur expert at photography.

I have anticipated serendipity.

I often agree to disagree.

I am awfully nice.

I often feel alone in a crowd.

I find that I am almost done with many things but still have lots to do.

I am an advanced beginner at....well....you name it, many things.

I have been experiencing good grief lately.

I'm a harmless sinner.

I find myself fighting for peace in my household (from time to time).

My favorite so far is that I am waiting patiently....for some things to change....and am realizing that they may not....and that I will have to find my perfect peace where I know I should look but continue to not look, because it may be more work than I anticipated to be content.

I hope you understood that organized confusion!

PHOTOS

Brother and sister....aren't they sweet?

More to come.....later!

Good Grief

I'm going to be really completely totally honest here. I, Lorie Payne, have not been excited about going to church much lately. Me....the person who never misses, who looks forward to Sunday mornings more than any other morning of the week, who gets refilled and replenished for the week at church.....yes Me, Lorie Payne, has not been excited about going to church. Once I drag myself there, I am getting refueled and enjoying the sermon; but there is something missing. Our new pastor is really great. He is funny, a great speaker, and so far pretty in tune to my personal beliefs; but I still have no connection with him. I've chatted with him briefly, waved hello, etc.; but I have yet to have a meaningful conversation with him. I go to church and listen attentively and am so very grateful that I am really getting a lot from his messages....because I was fearful that I wouldn't....but I still find that something is missing. I have contemplated setting aside a time just to go in and talk to him, share some of myself with him, and hopefully learn more about him; but I haven't done it. I am just not ready to be so emotionally vulnerable to this person yet. I realize it has not even been 6 months since my pastor, Ken, died so suddenly and unexpectedly; and I know that these feelings are all part of the grieving process. Please don't misunderstand....I am thrilled to have been given John as our new pastor....he is, as I said, really great; but I just miss Ken....plain and simple. Ken was and is such a huge part of my day, my week, my month, my life. God taught me so much through Ken, and I have to admit that I still feel so sad without him. I still find myself crying at the mention of his name, while reading certain things, or sharing a meal with his bride. I still find myself crying when I see his mother go up for communion, and hear about his grandson pointing to his picture and saying "Papa". I know God is walking with me, with all of us who grieve the loss of our pastor, I know He is. I know He is continuing to do great things in our church and in our lives, I know He is. I know Ken would want us to continue and move on, I know he would. I know I will, I know we will. Finally today was the first sign of that for me....it was the first Sunday that I didn't cry in church....even when I let my mind wander a little to something that Ken had said or done in the past or imagined him standing at the pulpit....I didn't cry. I know that we will heal and that God will see me and all of us through this time. We will carry on.....in Ken's memory, through what God taught us through him, through what God will teach us through John....we will carry on. We will be sure footed in His abounding love.

Psalm 18:33-36

He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
he causes me to stand on the heights.
He trains my hands for battle;
my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
You make your saving help my shield,
and your right hand sustains me;
your help has made me great.
You provide a broad path for my feet,
so that my ankles do not give way.

Habakuk 3:17-19

Though the cherry trees don't blossom
and the strawberries don't ripen,
Though the apples are worm-eaten
and the wheat fields stunted,
Though the sheep pens are sheepless
and the cattle barns empty,
I'm singing joyful praise to God.
I'm turning cartwheels of joy to my Savior God.
Counting on God's Rule to prevail,
I take heart and gain strength.
I run like a deer.
I feel like I'm king of the mountain!

SISTERLY LOVE!

Today was one of those days that didn't work out the way it was suppose to...we were suppose to go visit some friends that live a few hours away....but the mama got really sick. Although we didn't get to go and we were disappointed, it's sort of nice for me to just be able to sit here, collect my thoughts and emotions, and write. I've decided that I'm ADD....I can't decide what I want to be when I grow up....a teacher, a writer, a photographer; so I guess I'll just be all 3! :) I haven't been able to sit down and write for a while, so this little break in time is providing me that opportunity. While my little girls are upstairs playing school with their new Dry Erase Crayons....those are so cool, get some if you haven't....sorry I digress; and my boy is upstairs playing with his new Harvey train....I decided to peruse a few blogs that I haven't had time to read lately. I read Angie Smith's blog and noticed that someone had commented under a comment I had made. I decided to re-read my comment, since it was made a few weeks ago and remind myself of what I had written. As I began to read it, I remembered what I was feeling that day when I read her post; and I began to cry. Angie has such a wonderful way with words and making you feel like you're in the moment. She wrote a post a few weeks ago about a boy with special needs playing baseball, and it struck home....no pun intended. As I read that post, I could envision my boy playing ball in the front yard. It's become an obsession with him lately....a good one though...and I could hear God speaking to me through her words. After I read my comment and the other (very kind) comment left for me, through my tears I decided to browse through some photos I have of my boy.....since I was all wrapped up in the moment. I came across a few of him on our beach vacation....the place he loves more than any other....and then I came across these! When I saw them, again I wept.....these were those kind of tears that are completely uncontrollable....you know the ugly cry complete with snorting and the red face. The kind of crying that my kids are use to seeing me do, but still alarms them from time to time. They know I'm a cry baby. I am such a sap and so completely overwhelmed by emotions, and once again the love and thankfulness I have for my children completely engulfed me; and I sat and sobbed. Tears of true thanksgiving and that real realization of how much God loves me became so apparent when the love I have for my children engulfed me enough to move me to tears. When you see these photos, you will see that they are not those kind of photos that take your breath away; but they did indeed take mine away. It was a gentle reminder of how so very blessed I am to have been given the role of mother to these children and how so very blessed they are by each other. Having a special needs child can be so difficult at times, but it can be so rewarding as well. My girls know having a special needs brother can be so difficult at times, but it can also be so rewarding. Drew is really starting to realize that. Bryna and Elli are still trying to figure that out, but Addi....my sweet first born has always known this. Maybe it's because she was born before him, maybe it's because she has always had an acute awareness for Cal and has always been his rock when NPayne and I were not there, maybe it's because she is so very laid back, maybe it's because she is such a giving person, maybe it's because she knows that Jesus loves Cal as much as He loves everyone else, maybe it's because she has such a heart for love, maybe it's because sometimes I see Christ in her eyes more than anyone else's, maybe it's because she's so much like her daddy, maybe it's because she is a true servant, maybe it's because she sees Cal through the eyes of a child, maybe it's a combination of all of these things. One thing I know for sure is this....there are times when I get frustrated and irritated and yes....I hate to admit it....but sometimes even embarassed by something Cal does or does not do; but Addi does not. She has always been accomodating and embraced him fully. She has always included him, loved him, and been proud of him. Although Cal gets rattled by uncertainty, he is quite certain that he can count on his sister. He trusts her. Cal has been so blessed to have such wonderful sisters, and they are blessed to have him....although they may not all realize that quite yet....Addi does and always has. God knew exactly what He was doing when He chose Addi for Cal's big sister.....which doesn't surprise me at all! She is going to be such a good mommy!

This is a photo that Addi took.

The caption under it read....I LOVE MY BROTHER!

GOD IS GOOD!

SNEAK PEEK

Ain't Love Grand?

More To Come Soon!

I'm swamped with photos.....and that makes me very happy!