Friday, August 1, 2014


I've withdrawn....I HATE (which I think is such a harsh word, but very appropriate here)....I HATE to admit it, but I've withdrawn.  I have struggles...many of which are unspoken, have never been spoken, seem small to most, and I often think are just silly....but still they are there.  One thing I've realized over the last year is that struggles are going to happen, some are worse than others, some can be resolved while some gnaw at your inner most being.  I have sought refuge in God for most of my adult life when it came to struggles.  I have done exactly what many claim....leaned in hard, been a seeker when things were difficult, grown closer to Jesus; but since my mom died....I have withdrawn from my family, my friends, my Jesus. I have come to realize this over the last few months, and I don't necessarily think it was intentional.  I found myself going a few days and realizing that I had not read my Bible.  I found myself resistant to pick it up, to reach out to Him or anyone else.   I know that Jesus is there, and I have felt Him more than a dozen times; but still I have withdrawn.  It wasn't until today while reading these words in Jesus Calling that I think I've figured out why....
"In the midst of adverse circumstances, people tend to feel that love has been withdrawn and they have been forsaken.  This feeling of abandonment is often worse than the adversity itself.  Be assured that I never abandon any of My children, not even temporarily.  'I will never leave you or forsake you!'  My Presence watches over you continually. 'I have engraved you on the palms of My hands.'"  I have never felt unloved, but I have definitely felt abandoned.  In a world full of people who love me, I have felt as alone as I ever have before.  It's a feeling I can't explain, but one that exists for many.  As I pondered these words and felt a wave of relief when I read them, I think I know now why I have withdrawn.  I thought my feelings of abandonment, loneliness, brokenness were not relatable to most who are around me.  If I share this with anyone, they will think I should have moved on, this is silly, isn't the grieving period over for you?,  this is a burden to them.  This is a burden to Him.  There are people, that I know personally, who have and are suffering so much more than I; and I don't need to burden anyone with this right now.  So what should I do....just keep it to myself.  They don't want to hear about this.  These are all things I've thought over the last few months, and what I was reminded of today when I read Jesus Calling is struggles are mine, nobody else's, nobody really knows what I'm feeling, not to minimalize my feelings....because they are important to Jesus.  I am important to Jesus, and HE will never abandon me but will always comfort me.  There are always going to be situations that are worse than mine and maybe yours, but it is important to deal with your grief, feelings, situation knowing Jesus is holding your hand.  Turn to those who love you and let them hold your hand too!  AMEN!

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