Forgivness

Several years ago, a few people made some choices that affected a lot of people in a very negative way...I was one of those people affected.  There were things said and done that were hurtful, dishonest and downright mean to and about many people...I was one of those people.  The actions and words of a few hurt so so many and indirectly hurt our families as well.  Lives were changed forever.  These were people I trusted and thought I knew so well.  I thought the world of a few of them and considered them to be some of my dearest friends, and I thought they loved me or at least loved my kids.  With the advice and prayer of a few, I kept this to myself except for those who advised and of course my husband.  It was an extremely difficult few years following that betrayal.  I was so very hurt, many relationships were damaged or destroyed, my mama died, my mother-in-law died, my oldest became extremely depressed, my smack dab in the middle's anxiety was in full force attack which eventually manifested itself in depression as well, I had several mini strokes, my body hurt all the time and my own depression was creeping back in.  Life was hard, and when I thought things were lifting; I would hear something else that someone had said or done related to this incident.  It wouldn't die. I read a lot about forgiveness and how that should look....especially for people who didn't ask for it or think they needed it.  I have forgiven people before, but those previous things didn't directly affect my family.  I was in mama bear mode with a heart that kept breaking and breaking and breaking.  I was confused about what had happened and why those choices had been made by people I trusted.  I continued to doubt myself and wonder if I would ever be able to truly forgive and move forward. One of the things I had read, about forgiveness, said you truly forgive someone when you wish them well.  Well let me tell you, I thought about that daily and prayed and prayed that those feelings would come.  Years passed, and I started to move forward and most of those people were now out of my life and others' lives who they hurt.  There were still some lingering, that I would see from time to time.  I forgave most everyone involved, except a few, who had plummeted me with such hate....never had I felt hated in my life before this.   I still thought about it and wasted so much time trying to figure out what made them behave the way they had.  About a year ago, one day I just felt it...peace and the ability to really wish them well and forgive.  Maybe it was because of the constant encouragement and love I have in my life on a daily basis, maybe it was because my heart and mind just needed to release the negative energy they had been holding onto, maybe it was because I rationalized in my head why they behaved that way; maybe it was all of the above.  One thing I realized is that I needed to forgive myself in the midst of all of this.  I realized that I still held onto so much guilt related to this whole terrible situation.  I had allowed those people to skirt the truth, with the intention, of not hurting anyone else.  In turn, it ended up making things much worse.  As events unfolded, I did my best to tell the truth (when appropriate) which resulted in inadvertently calling people out for being dishonest.  Then they retaliated and things became much worse for me personally, but also for many other people who I adored.  I held onto such guilt for allowing that to happen at all.  And although I knew I was doing what I truly thought was the best thing, people were hurt.  I haven't thought about this in quite a while until recently I dreamed about some of the people who hurt me the most....those who I thought loved me.  I believe God speaks to me in my dreams, so I took this as a nudge.  I have never told my children about the things that happened, because I didn't see any point.  One of my girls is in a deep struggle right now....of letting go, forgiving and realizing what's important.  I have been a huge failure in trying to guide her through this.  After that dream, I decided to tell her about all that had happened and how it had taken me so long to forgive myself, others and move forward.  I had held onto those negative things for so long which affected how I saw myself and other people as well.  Knowing that God loves us all, even those who hurt us, and being able to truly forgive has set me free. I don't know if any of that made sense to her or helped her, but I feel like God will use it to eventually.  I know He brings good out of all things, and I hope this is it.  My girl needs some good.  My girl needs to see the good God brings.