Wednesday, May 7, 2014

May 5, 2014....MOO!

Her breathing was labored and she was moaning. I was filling the nurse in on her condition, and she asked me if I would be staying the night. I said no, I will stay until she's settled and calm. She was going to offer me a cot, but I kindly declined. Then it was silent. Mom was breathing hard, but she was not moaning; and I was watching her. I looked down at my phone, for an instant, to reply to a message from my aunt and my mom's best friend when I heard Code Blue. I looked at the nurse, who was attending my mom, and she seemed calm. Had those words come from her, or someone in the hall? In rushed a few people looking somewhat confused, and someone asked her if she called Code Blue?  She said it again much louder.....CODE BLUE! She said we just lost her pulse. What? I thought out loud. I knew the end was near, but I need a few more minutes, more days, more years. I looked at my mom's face, amd it was apparent she was not breathing. It's odd how death changes someone's appearance so drastically and so fast....literally like the life has been sucked out. A team of people came rushing in with machines and loud commands, and all I could do was stare. The doctor said we will start CPR unless you don't want us to. I dont. We had discussed this, and there would be no resuscitation , but I needed a few more munutes, days, years; so I said "I don't know" and they began. Please don't hurt her I screamed and then stood in the corner with my hands covering my ears as I screamed. I didn't want to hear anything breaking. It seemed like forever,  but it was a few seconds before the doctor said we can stop if you want us to; and I said STOP! I sobbed and screamed, and they stopped. The room was so quiet. I looked at the faces of all of those people who had been trying to save my mom, and the sorrow on their faces was evident. They were grieving as if they had known her and loved her like I did. It was awful and beautiful, and I buried my face in my hands and wept. A nurse embraced me, and I leaned into her hard. I never even saw her face. She comforted me and let me wail in her arms until my husband came back into the room. The doctor assured me that I did the right thing. She tried to tell me some things that might have caused her death, but it was mute to me. I didn't need to know the details, it was over in a blink. I knew the time was coming, I just needed a few more minutes, days, years. The instant heartbreak that overcame me took my breath away. I have suffered loss before, but I had forgotten how badly a broken heart hurts. Somehow losing your mother is different. Maybe because I'm a mother. I don't know, but there were things I wanted to tell her and show her. I know she knows, but I wanted to see her know. My mother was one of the most generous, fun loving, hard headed, stubborn people I've ever met; and all those traits served her well in life. Her will and determination kept her alive through some of the most challenging trials I've ever seen anyone endure. I don't think I could have ever fought a battle so bravely. The love she had for her child and her grandchildren inspired her to stay strong after my dad passed away, and she was a fighter by nature. She missed my dad so much over these last 8.5 years, and I don't know how she survived that either. She was my biggest inspiration, and I'm grateful she was my mother. She loved me so well!

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