Sunday, May 4, 2014
My mom is sick. She's been sick for about 6 weeks, but she has taken a turn for the worse over the last few days. When I went to visit her in the nursing home Friday, I immediately knew she was worse. She was disoriented, and I couldn't get her to wake up. Saturday was the same, but I was able to feed her a grilled cheese sandwich and have a short conversation with her. Today I couldn't get her to eat and when she was awake, she was not lucid and was hallucinating. When her friend visited her today, she told her that she had not seen me in days; and this made me sad. I don't want her to think I'm not there. When I was there tonight, she stared at me in confusion as her hand gripped the imaginary knife that she thought she was holding. When I stared in her hollow dull gray eyes that use to sparkle bright blue, I assured her that she was not holding a knife and was okay. Those eyes were the same eyes I stared into 8 1/2 years ago when I saw my dad's eyes open for the last time. As I stared into her eyes, and she into mine; all I could think about was how much she adored me. I know this, not only because she has told me time and time again, but also because I am a mother too. I know first hand how much a mother loves her child...it is a love like no other...it's one that can't be explained...it's all encompassing. I stared into her hollow, dull, confused eyes and instead of feeling despair; I felt joy because of her love for me. She was only awake for a moment and then her grip relaxed as I assured her she was not holding a knife and was okay, then she drifted off to sleep again. When I left her tonight, I rubbed a kiss on her cheek and woke her up to tell her that I loved her. She stayed awake long enough to tell me she loved me too, and I know that no matter how confused she is; she means that from the inner most part of her heart and soul. I am grateful to have parents who lavished their love on me, so very grateful!