Nudged

 I have an amazing husband and great kids.  I live in a sweet community, have attended the same wonderful church for over 20 years, have a great house, and we have good schools.  My kids have good friends, and I have good friends; yet somehow I don't feel like I belong here.  I haven't felt like I belonged here for a long time, not here as in with my family and friends, but here as in this community.  Every year, there are things that make me feel even more like I don't belong.  I don't know what it is or why, but I have felt God leading me away.  The problem is, my people don't feel it; so that makes me wonder what it really is that I'm feeling nudged towards or away from.  I don't know, but I've been in limbo for a very long time; and I am so ready for the reveal.  Jesus, show me.  I know He will.  I've stopped praying for God to change their minds, but instead for us all to be like minded; so that we will all feel the nudge.

Trust

I have trouble remembering things, not like one might in a typical day, but like I can't remember why I'm in the car driving.  I can't remember where I'm going.  I can't remember which child is at which school.  And it continues, and it's getting worse.  It takes effort and a lot of concentration for me to remember things sometimes, and then sometimes I still can't.  I've noticed a few other things becoming more difficult as well.  Writing, with a pen/pencil, has become a challenge...sometimes formulating my thoughts but mostly just manipulating the pen or pencil.  I've really been shifting my focus from being discouraged to being grateful to be alive, but today...it was different.  I was reading to Elliot, and I couldn't form all the words.  I couldn't figure out what I was reading and what it meant, and it hit me really hard. I finished the chapter with a quivering voice and then went into the bathroom and cried.  Reading and writing are a huge part of me.  God has a plan for all of this, and I don't know what it is; but I will trust Him.
Nahum 1:7  The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble.  He cares for those who trust in Him.

Life!

It seems like my blog has been full of a lot of serious stuff lately.  I guess it's just what I've been called to share during this time of life.  I'm a pretty private person, and for a really long time; I didn't share anything with anyone but my mom.  I kept everything to myself and carried those hard things on my own.  To be honest, I still have some things that I've never told another living person. I keep them pushed way back into the farthest part of my heart and soul.  I always tell myself that nobody needs to hear these things, because they are hard and heartbreaking things.  Why would I want anyone else to suffer the same things I suffer?  A few years ago, I was very close to sharing with a dear friend; but I closed that door to my brain and heart.  The last few weeks, I've also been very close to sharing; but I haven't gained the courage.  God has led me to be more vulnerable in many aspects of my life and sometimes maybe I even overshare which is a direct contradiction to how things use to be.  But there are still some things that terrify me to say out loud.  In my walk with Christ and knowing His complete adoration for me, I've become more aware of how my stories can oftentimes help others.  I've also become more aware of being obedient, and when I know Jesus is telling me to talk to someone...I do.  Sometimes He tells me to share something encouraging, sometimes it's something hard, sometimes it's experiences, sometimes it's gratitude, sometimes it's sorrow and sometimes it's just my ears to listen.  He knows my heart and my desires, and He knows I have things I long for deep in my soul.  Sometimes He tells me to share those as well, and sometimes He doesn't; so they will stay tucked away until He does.

Sacred Moments

These last 2 weeks I've been feeling really really good physically.  I had some injections in my back that have alleviated my chronic pain almost completely.  The 3 weeks prior I was pretty much bed ridden due to the pain.  I'm not sure what happened to cause the flare up, but I hadn't had one like that in almost 17 years.  So while I've been feeling a-okay, I've been doing all the things.  Neil is closing in on our renovation....and I'm so happy I could do a herky, but I won't....definitely don't want to end up bed ridden again.  I've been clearing out all sorts of things, and it's been so freeing and fulfilling and bittersweet.  I've decided to scale down a lot of things.  I'm super duper sentimental, so this has been a long time coming; but it's time to take the leap.  My stress level has decreased immensely just due to clearing out clutter.  One of the things I have not mastered is how to multi-task well.  I just cannot get it down.  You would think with 5 children, I would be queen of this; but NO! I'm also not good at being overly busy....it's just not something I have learned to embrace.  However being in the moment....I'm getting really good at that, and oh man....it's so good for me.  I would highly recommend.  The last week or so, I've been getting up early to read and exercise and drink coffee and listen to music and write.  It's been AMAZING!  At first, I was thinking I should be getting the dishes done, or picking up messes and I should definitely be waking Elliot up for schooling.  One morning this week, I found myself wondering why she was so tired and sleeping so late.  She's usually up pretty early.  She has just gotten over the flu, but it seems like she's still sleeping LATE.  The weeks I was in so much pain, I hadn't really noticed; because it took all I had to get myself up for schooling.   At night, we try to eat supper together as often as we can.  Neil works a lot, and Bryna is in a very busy season; so this has been more challenging.  After we eat and talk, everyone will start doing their nightly things...showering, journaling, reading, homework, whatever it may be, and then disperse to our own rooms...we all need that time alone.  I knew that Elliot had been spending a lot of time upstairs at night.  Her room is the only kids' room that's downstairs.  I wasn't really sure which siblings' room she was in, and sometimes it might vary.  Then one night, I heard Addi ask her to come up and hang out with her in her room.  It was then that I realized how much time they have been spending together at night.  They may be doing their own thing up in Addi's room, but they have been really enjoying being together....my bookends.  Addi is almost 21, and she stays up pretty late.  Elliot will usually come downstairs and get in bed when she's tired, but it's been pretty late as well.  She's always been good about knowing her limits as far as being tired goes.  I thought about this a lot the day after I heard Addi invite her upstairs.  The more I've thought about it, the more I've loved it.  Elliot does school at home, and to be honest; we can get her school day completed in about 2 hours.  So I started thinking...do I want to take this sweet time away from them, just so she can get up earlier?  NAAAA....the simple fact that they enjoy each other, and that sooner than later Addi will be on her own made me realize even more that this is sacred time.  They are 9 1/2 years apart to the day, but they are definitely one of each other's best friends.  I think God has given them this time together to also allow me to have time in the morning, while Elliot is sleeping, to take better care of myself.  Next year E is planning to go back to public school, and things will be very different around here during the day.  I'll probably try to find a job, Addi may be back at UNT; and some of these sacred moments will be gone....no more late nights for those two and no more lazy mornings for me; but I know God will provide other opportunities to be in the moment and enjoy the little but very important parts of life.  But for now, we are embracing these sacred moments as long as possible.

My Testimony...Originally Shared 2008

As we are in the season of Lent and digging deeper into transformation, I felt led to share my transformation (previous post) and now my testimony!  I hope it benefits someone! Praying!

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 28, 2008

Sunday Sermon Summary.....My Testimony!

I have to fess up....I didn't go to church today. Honestly I never miss church....I would say maybe 2 times per year.....honest....I'm not sure why I'm trying to convince you, when He knows and that's who counts! If I do miss, it's usually due to vacation or a mother/daughter campout or something like that; and I always worship....ALWAYS! So....since I didn't attend church today....by the way....we didn't wake up until 10:00, and I've been having horrible bouts with my RA (that makes me sound really old)....I know I know that's not a good excuse (but it's the excuse I'm offering up); so in lieu of a Sunday Sermon Summary....I am going to share some other things! I have already worshipped some this morning and will continue throughout my day, but I thought writing this post would be part of my worship....it's sort of like my testimony. Who knew??? I have a testimony.
When I was a little girl, I never went to church with my parents unless my grandparents...mamaw and papaw (my mom's parents) were visiting; then we went and pretended like we went every week. Although I'm certain mamaw and papaw knew otherwise...they played along. I think they were glad we were, at least there on that particular Sunday, and glad that my parents tried to honor them by "pretending." Does that seem weird? Anyhoo...as I said, I NEVER attended church regularly with my parents. There's a long story here, and I'll try to summarize....my mom quit attending church when she moved out of my grandparents' house, because she felt like she was being condemned for everything (which she probably was). My dad didn't attend, because my mom didn't attend....it was that simple for him. They both grew up attending church every week, more than once per week, and they both grew up attending different denominations. When I did attend church with my parents, which was when my grandparents visited or when we visited them, we went to the church denomination my mother grew up attending. My grandparents, mainly my mamaw, was the most influential and purposeful person in my childhood and young adult life in bringing me to Christ (I posted about this previously). Although I NEVER regularly attended church with my parents, I longed to go. I would often ask my mom to take me, but it was not a successful request. We were truly CEO christians....Christmas and Easter only! Don't misunderstand....my parents still believed in the good book and all it said, but they just didn't believe in attending church. This was mainly because they never found a church where they could grow spiritually, but they never looked. I think my mom still had a "bad taste" in her mouth from things that had happened while she was attending church growing up, and she still held a grudge....that's all changed now (another post waiting to happen). When I was about 8 years old, I spent the night with a very dear friend of mine Tara (love you girl). She asked me, before I went over, if I wanted to go to church with her on Sunday; and I excitedly and immediately said "YES!" I told my mother, and she asked me which church, etc. to make sure she was in agreement...and it happened to be the church we attended when my grandparents were here; so she agreed....that is funny to me now (not ha ha but peculiar) ....only allowing me to attend the church that she so desperately tried to escape. What I didn't realize, when I spent the night with Tara, was that we wouldn't be going to church with her family; but that we would be going alone....well sort of. There was a church bus that would come to her house and pick her up each Sunday morning. Can you believe this? A church bus? Isn't that cool? The church bus picked us up, and we rode with a ton of other kids....we happily bounced up and down in the seat singing kidlike hymns...."The B-I-B-L-E", "Father Abraham", etc. all the way to church. It was pure bliss for me. When we got to church, we got to attend not only church but also Sunday School. I was thrilled and absolutely loved it. Can you imagine two little 8 year old girls sitting in the back of a HUGE sanctuary worshipping together? Actually I think we colored a lot, but nonetheless....we were DRIVEN and excited to be there. As time passed, the church bus started coming to my house to pick me up; because well....I couldn't spend every single Saturday night with Tara. I began to attend church regularly and continued for several years. Honestly I don't remember why the church bus stopped coming, but it did. Then I didn't go again for a while....until I could drive. I would usually attend Wednesday evening service; because that's when all the youth kids attended. I had heard about my friends all going to church camp and being involved in the youth programs, and I so longed to do that; but I never had that opportunity. I felt like an outcast when I did go to church, because I didn't do these things; and because I came alone.....so eventually I stopped attending all together. As I grew into late teenage years, I would occasionally attend church with friends and always with my grandparents; but I stopped going on my own. I couldn't find a place where I felt like I belonged. I had discovered that even when I went to church, I didn't leave there feeling like I was growing. I was leaving there feeling guilty and condemned. When I was 15, I was baptized...by my own choice and desire. Although I knew the importance of taking that step, I didn't feel any different like I thought I would. I think I expected angels to sing and the heavens to open up....I think I thought I would feel the Lord enter into my heart, but I didn't (sidenote, I had never heard about the Holy Spirit or the Trinity at this point in my life). When I was 16, I pledged to read the entire Bible and even got The Bible on tape (yes on tape....that was a long time ago). I failed miserably, because it was all King James version; and honestly I couldn't understand half of it. I didn't belong to any sort of community or church family, and I had an empty place in my heart. I always felt guilty about EVERYTHING which is still a big struggle for me today....and I discovered as I became an adult that this was due partly to the way of teaching in the church I had grown up attending and partly due to my own insecurities. Then I met NPayne. He too hadn't attended church since he was a little boy. As a matter of fact, he had NEVER attended church with his mother.....NEVER not even "pretending" for the sake of his grandmother. His grandmother was actually the one who took him as a child while his mother always worked. We got married, and it was bittersweet for me. I had always dreamed of my papaw performing the service, since he was a judge and was largely the reason I loved the Lord; and I had wanted to be married in a "church" type of atmosphere. My papaw had passed away a few years earlier, and NPayne and I didn't belong to a church. We met a young man (Donny), who was in seminary at the time, and decided that he would be perfect to officiate our wedding. After several meetings and discussions of our faith with Donny, we ended up getting married in a chapel; and it was good. After Addi was born, NPayne and I decided to start really looking for a church. We both knew that we wanted to find a church that suited us as a family, so we began to visit several different churches. The day we visited our church, that we have attended for the last 12 years, Pastor Cindy was preaching....I have also blogged about her in the past....she's FABULOUS! I immediately fell in love with her and so did NPayne. We left the service, and I felt something stirring in my heart but also felt very confused. I had grown up in a church where there were NO women clergy, there was NO instrumental music. I didn't know what to do....but I knew I wanted to go back. We continued to attend this church, and although Cindy didn't preach every Sunday; I knew she was preaching that first Sunday for a very specific reason....to get us to come back. We met with Cindy, and I would often e-mail her or call her or meet with her, and ask her questions about this church; because I didn't understand a lot of what was going on...I had never practiced the season of Advent or Lent. I didn't know about the Holy Spirit. She walked and talked me through, backing it up with scripture, when she could. We decided to join our church in November of that year 1997. We joined in a private way instead of coming up to the front of the church, and on the night that we joined.....NPayne was baptized by Cindy....nothing more perfect! We had Addi baptized a few days later....she was about 8 months old. We have attended this particular church every since, and we have had all 5 of our babies baptized; and this year Addi will be confirmed. Baptizing babies and confirmation were definitely things I didn't understand or agree with at first, but I understand why our church participates in these practices now; and both of these practices are completely optional. I know our church isn't perfect, because it's not. As a matter of fact there have been a lot of struggles within our church in the past (that's another post). I know there are some things I still don't understand about our church, and I know there are some things that I still don't agree with; but the most important thing is that we are being FED there. We are growing our relationship with Christ in this church and with the support of our pastors and our church family. We have met some of the most wonderful and inspiring people we will ever meet at this church who have enriched and changed my life forever. My children all attend/attended preschool there. I work there. My girls have done Kindermusik there. It's definitely our second home or maybe our first....in the spirit of the Savior. I know a denomination doesn't make a Christian, but I also know (from experience)that it can hinder your growth as a Christian. You have to feel fed and be able to grow in Christ. You have to be able to love your Lord without "church" things hindering that. I know that your parents don't make you Christian, but I also know that their leading by example is a definite plus. As parents we have a responsibility to do the introduction....if you will....to encourage our children in the ways of the Lord. We have a responsibility to take them to worship and teach them about Jesus and pray for and with them, and to teach them about serving and helping others....then we pray that they will build their own relationship with our Christ, serve Him by bringing glory to His name and ultimately fall in love with Him. This is not the end of my testimony but only the beginning....I am growing each day, each minute, each second; and I will share more at a later date.....and believe me, there's plenty to be shared!
Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old; he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6. 

Transformation

During the lenten season, our church is doing a series on transformation.  I listened intently today to my pastor's testimony, and it took me back to some of my own.  Before i share my testimony, i thought i should share this: reposted from june, 2009!

THURSDAY, JUNE 25, 2009

The Pain That Brought The Blessing!

I've been thinking a lot about when I began seeking a relationship with Jesus. As I've written before, I've always been a believer....I've always longed for a relationship with Jesus....I've always wanted to know more about Him; but when did I actively start really seeking Him?
On June 4, 1986....I was driving from one of my part-time summer jobs to another one of my part-time summer jobs. It was raining, I was on a very busy highway and there was a lot of traffic. I was driving my mother's car....I don't remember why I wasn't driving my own car, but I know now that it was a blessing that I wasn't. I was in the third lane over from the median, which was a brick wall, and I remember focusing on the car in front of me. I was a good distance from it, because it kept swerving every time the driver tapped his brakes; and I was aware that the driver was not in good control of the car.....it was a Corvette. That's the last thing I remember until I heard something....I remember thinking to myself....What is that noise? Who is talking to me? Whose voice is that? My eyes were closed, and I couldn't open them. I could hear a voice but couldn't make out the words. THEN it happened....I don't know if my eyes were opened or closed, but I know I saw it....the light! I know that seems cliche, but I saw it! It wasn't like the light you might have read about, when someone is facing death, I didn't see anyone there in a white robe beckoning me and chanting "Come into the light"; but for me it was a bright light that was so bright you couldn't look directly into it but at the same time it was inviting....it was a bright light that was calming....it was a bright light that was encouraging....it was bright light that made me want to see more of it. It was only there for a brief moment, and then it was gone! At that moment, I opened my eyes. I remember someone pulling on me, and that it HURT A LOT! I saw shattered glass, and somehow I was lying flat on my back in the driver's seat of my mother's car. I looked at the firefighter who was pulling me out of the car, and my first thought....my immediate thought was this...."THANK YOU GOD FOR LETTING ME LIVE!" I could tell by the blood that I saw, the shattered glass, the brick wall that my mother's car was now a part of, the urgency with which the firefighters were working....I could tell that this was BAD! My next thought was this...."Dear God, I don't know what happened; but please don't let me have killed anyone!" As I was placed on the gurney and being wheeled to the ambulance, the firefighters were asking me all sorts of questions; and I was answering them with precision...."What's your name? My name is Lorie Lynn Addison. What's your phone number? My phone number is 214-445-0684. Who should we call? You need to call my mother at work, her work number is 214-387-8658."! Up until this point, I remember everything crystal clear....every little detail. Then I don't remember anything else until I was at the hospital, and I was being wheeled from the ambulance to the ER....I remember being wheeled by people I recognized and thinking this is odd, how did they know I would be here? I remember lying on the gurney and seeing my mother come in to the ER, and I remember the first thing I said was...."Mom, I wrecked your car. I'm sorry. Do you know if it was my fault? Do you know if I killed anyone?" She responded calmly and said that she didn't care about the car, the accident was not my fault, and I was actually hurt the worst out of all the vehicles involved....all 10 of them. There would be months and even years of healing, and still today my body is not completely whole due to that accident; but through many stitches....plastic surgery to repair my nose that had been completly cut in two and my forehead that had a scar from one side to the other....the absolute excrutiating pain of months of physical therapy....the headaches that wouldn't go away....and many tests to make sure my head injury was getting better.....through it all....I realized that this accident really was life changing, it was life saving. I realized that my body would never be completely whole again, but my soul certainly was on its way to a complete healing. You see this 10 car pile up, where my car was impacted by a cement truck and pushed through 2 lanes of traffic into a brick wall median while crashing into a corvette and side swiping several cars before making its final stop at the median....this was in reality a life saving blessing.
Prior to this accident, I was in a severe state of depression and had been for a few years, but I was definitely at my all time lowest point....I was not suicidal, mainly because I was fearful of suicide. I was taught, from a very young age, that suicide means instant damnation; and although I was miserable in the life I was living, I knew that damnation to Hell would be much worse. I would have never taken my own life, but I wished for death nearly every moment I was awake. I was tired of living in that state of sadness, in that state of desperation, in that state of feeling so unloved and unwanted that my self worth was dwindling away. I was not addicted to drugs or alcohol or doing anything illegal, but I had been in a very bad relationship for a very long time. It was just as much my fault as it was his, because I allowed him to beat me down for all of those years. Although I didn't want to have anything to do with him anymore, I was already in such a bad state that I really didn't care about anything....I wished I was dead. On June 4th, 1986....JESUS saved my life through allowing me to endure that horrible car accident. This person, ME, who witnessed that light....this person, ME, who was wishing I was dead (or at least that's what I thought at the time)....this person, ME, who was so selfishly unhappy....realized at that moment that I didn't want to die. Life is a gift, and I wanted the gift of life. The minute that I saw that light, the minute that I opened my eyes.....I knew, without a doubt, that HE was there with me. I could feel His presence in the calm, the encouraging, the longing of that light....even in the midst of the chaos that surrounded me....I could feel it. I knew as soon as I opened my eyes that He had saved me once again....once by shedding His blood on the cross and now again by letting me feel His presence during the worst time of my life. On June 4, 1986....I began to seek a relationship with Jesus! It took me a while to trust Him, but today on June 24, 2009 as I continue to grow in Christ....I do trust Him! Do I still struggle? Of course I do, but now I find myself going to Him when I struggle. I know that there are many people in the world, who deal with struggles much more intense and heartbreaking than the state of depression that I was in, but what I believe....with every ounce of my being....is that Jesus saw me drifting; and for some reason which I won't know until I meet Him in Heaven....He decided to rescue me and breathe new life into me. He gave me another chance to get my act together and LIVE MY LIFE! On June 4, 1986.....I realized what a gift life is, and I am so thankful for my second chance on living life! As for my thoughts on suicide now, that requires another blog post; but I do know that God says....choose life!!
Passage Deuteronomy 30:19:19
I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death,(A) blessing and curse. Therefore choose life, that you and your offspring may live....

Forgivness

Several years ago, a few people made some choices that affected a lot of people in a very negative way...I was one of those people affected.  There were things said and done that were hurtful, dishonest and downright mean to and about many people...I was one of those people.  The actions and words of a few hurt so so many and indirectly hurt our families as well.  Lives were changed forever.  These were people I trusted and thought I knew so well.  I thought the world of a few of them and considered them to be some of my dearest friends, and I thought they loved me or at least loved my kids.  With the advice and prayer of a few, I kept this to myself except for those who advised and of course my husband.  It was an extremely difficult few years following that betrayal.  I was so very hurt, many relationships were damaged or destroyed, my mama died, my mother-in-law died, my oldest became extremely depressed, my smack dab in the middle's anxiety was in full force attack which eventually manifested itself in depression as well, I had several mini strokes, my body hurt all the time and my own depression was creeping back in.  Life was hard, and when I thought things were lifting; I would hear something else that someone had said or done related to this incident.  It wouldn't die. I read a lot about forgiveness and how that should look....especially for people who didn't ask for it or think they needed it.  I have forgiven people before, but those previous things didn't directly affect my family.  I was in mama bear mode with a heart that kept breaking and breaking and breaking.  I was confused about what had happened and why those choices had been made by people I trusted.  I continued to doubt myself and wonder if I would ever be able to truly forgive and move forward. One of the things I had read, about forgiveness, said you truly forgive someone when you wish them well.  Well let me tell you, I thought about that daily and prayed and prayed that those feelings would come.  Years passed, and I started to move forward and most of those people were now out of my life and others' lives who they hurt.  There were still some lingering, that I would see from time to time.  I forgave most everyone involved, except a few, who had plummeted me with such hate....never had I felt hated in my life before this.   I still thought about it and wasted so much time trying to figure out what made them behave the way they had.  About a year ago, one day I just felt it...peace and the ability to really wish them well and forgive.  Maybe it was because of the constant encouragement and love I have in my life on a daily basis, maybe it was because my heart and mind just needed to release the negative energy they had been holding onto, maybe it was because I rationalized in my head why they behaved that way; maybe it was all of the above.  One thing I realized is that I needed to forgive myself in the midst of all of this.  I realized that I still held onto so much guilt related to this whole terrible situation.  I had allowed those people to skirt the truth, with the intention, of not hurting anyone else.  In turn, it ended up making things much worse.  As events unfolded, I did my best to tell the truth (when appropriate) which resulted in inadvertently calling people out for being dishonest.  Then they retaliated and things became much worse for me personally, but also for many other people who I adored.  I held onto such guilt for allowing that to happen at all.  And although I knew I was doing what I truly thought was the best thing, people were hurt.  I haven't thought about this in quite a while until recently I dreamed about some of the people who hurt me the most....those who I thought loved me.  I believe God speaks to me in my dreams, so I took this as a nudge.  I have never told my children about the things that happened, because I didn't see any point.  One of my girls is in a deep struggle right now....of letting go, forgiving and realizing what's important.  I have been a huge failure in trying to guide her through this.  After that dream, I decided to tell her about all that had happened and how it had taken me so long to forgive myself, others and move forward.  I had held onto those negative things for so long which affected how I saw myself and other people as well.  Knowing that God loves us all, even those who hurt us, and being able to truly forgive has set me free. I don't know if any of that made sense to her or helped her, but I feel like God will use it to eventually.  I know He brings good out of all things, and I hope this is it.  My girl needs some good.  My girl needs to see the good God brings.

Keep Swimming

I have issues with sleep...not that I don't like it, I love to sleep; just that it doesn't like me.  Although I don't sleep a lot, the benefit is that I often do my best thinking in the wee hours of the morning.  It's also a time I can talk to Jesus without interruption.  This morning I had all the thoughts going on...about my children, their futures, responsibilities, dreams and such.  I dozed off about 5:00 and woke up again about 8:00.  As I was lying in my bed thinking about the day ahead, I heard E crying and coughing.  After checking on her, I called the pediatrician and made an appointment.  We rushed around and got to the doctor's office.  As the nurse was asking her about her symptoms, allergies, etc.; Elli was answering.  I was listening.  Then the nurse said to me, "And you're her mom?"  It took me by surprise, because I hadn't been asked that at the pediatrician's office in a really long time.  They know us well there, but this was a new nurse.  When she asked me that question, I looked at my girl and thought...WOW!  I'm responsible for this person's life.  Every now and then, that realization hits me square in the face; and I get a little overwhelmed thinking about it...being responsible for other people's well being.  We have a good life, but we've also had some tough times.  Some days I fee like I'm barely treading water.  But at the end of the day, I'm still treading; but I'm tired....oh so tired.  On the days where I dive in head first, I'm so grateful even if those days don't come too often; but I'm still gonna keep swimming.

Do Everything In Love

Happy Valentine's Day! I'm all about a celebration, and I think VDay is a sweet reminder to take a little extra time to make your loves feel more loved and maybe extend some love to someone you normally wouldn't. But really, I would like to think we celebrate love every minute of every day; but we don't. We're human and broken, and we often break others instead of love others. The only one who loves us every single minute of every single day and is always reaching out in love is Jesus. Isn't it so sweet that Ash Wednesday falls on Valentine's Day this year? The beginning of the Lenten season. The season where we are challenged to remember the ultimate sacrifice made for every living soul...every single one. On your worst days, your best days, your lovely days or your heartbroken days...He reaches out in love and asks us to do the same! So maybe today be encouraged to forgive someone, extend someone grace, tell someone you love them, pray for someone, lend a helping hand, practice a random act of kindness. WWJD! Do everything in love.
1 Corinthians 16:14 #ashwednesday#valentinesday #jesuslovesyou #lent

Wise Young People

Sometimes God puts the most unlikely people in your path.  They may be there for a minute, a season  or a lifetime.  They may teach you hard lessons, or you may teach them.  They may break your heart, or they may steal it.  They may become one of your best friends or your worst enemies.  Behind it all, I believe there is always something to be gained; and something good will be revealed through the relationships we develop...even the painful ones.  I have a friend, who I have known his whole life.  He is like my second son.  Over the last several months, I have learned a lot about life, struggles and what our young people are facing through him.  I have learned a lot through my own children as well, but his perspective is different than theirs.  It has made me more aware of things I need to be grateful for and how to be more intentional in the lives of the younger generation.  It's so strange to me, that I have 5 young people in my house, and I know a lot about the struggles of young people; but there's so much I didn't know.  I have been reminded about faith and God's plan for things but also how hard the world can be.  It's hard to tell the younger generation that there's so much life to live ahead of them, without sounding condescending or unconcerned; because many are trying to survive it right now.  As you age and gain life experience, it oftentimes becomes more apparent.  And sometimes life is easy and sometimes it's not, yet it sounds so cliche to say that out loud to someone in the middle of something really hard.  There are those, in our younger generation, who are intentional and thoughtful and bring hope to the future....even through life's challenges.  They are destined to do and are doing great things despite their struggles, and WOW....am I fortunate to be witness to that.  I'm thankful to my own children, to my friend and many others who have reminded me that the fight is continuous; and we have to keep going.  But I've learned that even as a 51 year old believer, you need to be reminded about faith and God's plan; and that He knows what He's doing.  Sometimes it takes a wise young person to remind you of that.

My One Word: Gentleness!!

Gentleness....it's my one word for the year.  The definition of gentleness is:

gen·tle·ness

ˈjen(t)lnəs/

noun

1. 1. 

   the quality of being kind, tender, or mild-mannered.

   "Michael was admired for his gentleness and tolerance"
2. 2. 

   softness of action or effect; lightness.

   "the gentleness of his touch"

   
   

We are half way through February which is pretty far into the year when you have failed using your one word on a regular basis.  I've thought about this word a lot lately, because I have been failing miserably practicing gentleness.  Yesterday I spent the day with one of my best friends, who is a huge light in my life.  She listened intently as I talked, and she encouraged me.  Today during Sunday School, our lesson was about gratitude and perspective and choosing to be grateful.  I use to be really good at doing this, but lately....not so much.  Our sermon was about worthiness and how God loves us the same at our best and at our worst, again I was encouraged and reminded.  Neil showed me a conversation, on our home iPad, that our youngest Elliot had with herself.  Reading "I wish my mom felt better", made me sad, really sad.    Through all of these things, I realized that I need to re-focus a lot; and be more intentional about getting back into The Word.  I've been so discouraged and sad for many reasons, and my attitude has not been one of love and gentleness; but instead one of fear and frustration.  I don't feel well physically or emotionally, and I need to get back to taking better care of myself.  I've been reading this week trying to figure out what is going on with my body and brain, and honestly it's overwhelming....I'm overwhelmed with the information.  On the other hand, I'm grateful that I am finding some answers.  My body has been failing for years, but my brain has been strong.  Now that my brain is failing, I feel completely out of control of myself; and it scares and frustrates me.  Honestly it is exhausting. I need to re-focus.  I need to get back into The Word.  I need to change my perspective.  I need to allow myself time to rest.  I need to be intentional about gratitude, and then the gentleness will come.  God is good all the time He is good, and with Him all things are possible!

1. 
   

   
   

The Country

I went to a gathering last night at church.  It's a women's ministry designed to help women renew.  We have a meal together and then have music followed by a message.  Cindy, one of our former pastor's, gave the message.  It focused on using God's creation to heal you and nurture you.  I've felt this forever, especially as a little girl on my grandparents' cotton farm.  As long as I can remember my favorite places to be were places I could witness the vastness of creation.  The sky is my favorite thing.  I call it my best friend, because it's always there, it's lovely and it provides light.  I love it and all of its vast beauty and wonder.  Texas skies are breathtaking...especially at sunrise and sunset.  Every week when I am taking Elliot to dance, I ask her to take a picture of the sunset for me.  I have a folder on my phone full of pictures of the sky and one full of clouds.  I have been thinking about making wallpaper out of some of my cloud photos, and one day I'll have a place where the rooms are filled with the sky.  I've wanted to move to the country for a while now, mainly because I long for a simpler life; but also to be more immersed in nature. When I say simpler life, I don't necessarily mean as in "working".  I know having a garden and farm animals would be a lot of work, but it's work I would enjoy.  A place where it didn't cost an arm and a leg to pay your bills, so we could open up our little coffee shop we've been dreaming about (thanks Addi). By simpler, I also mean living in a quiet place where you could see stars every night and lightning bugs too.  A place where stuff didn't accumulate, because there wasn't space for it.  A place where we could walk outside and see the water and sit by the bonfire.  A place where we could see deer in our front yard.  A place where at night, you could hear the sounds of creation; not the sounds of horns honking and sirens.  I am not cut out to be a busy person.  I get very overwhelmed when I'm too busy, wearing too many hats; and I'm not good at multi tasking.  However I am a planner and an organizer, and living in chaos whether it be in my own home or the city causes me such stress.  I honestly believe it's a lot of the reason my health is troubled.  As much as I try to accommodate, I can't seem to do it.   Soon I'm considering renting a cabin on a lake, for a week or so, so I can sit outside and finish writing the book I've started. I cannot imagine a more serene place to focus.  Until then, I'm going to immerse myself in as much nature as I possibly can...a few road trips are in my immediate plans to free my mind.
I think I will start here:

February 5th....The Best Day of 2001!!

Happy 17th Birthday Drew Michelle Payne...definitely the best day of 2001...especially for PaPa, since you were born on his birthday. I remember how excited he was about sharing his day with you. You're my smack dab in the middle, deep thinking, old soul, granola girl with so many talents that you keep to yourself. A sweet, quiet girl with a gentle spirit and a hearty laugh. Humble and so giving, but never wanting the attention on yourself. Simple yet oh so so complicated. For those of us who you let close, we are so so blessed to know you. I love and adore you Drewby Lou! You're my ❤️!!

INVISIBLE People!

We all have seasons in life...different things for everyone, different emotions for everyone, and some people experience the same season as someone else in a very different way.  I think many people go through a season of feeling inadequate, unappreciated or maybe even invisible.  I'm kind of in that season now.  I've been married for over 25 years to the best guy in the world...SUPERMAN...like really he is SUPERMAN!  He connects with people of all ages.  He makes all the money.  He is funny, cute, endearing and much much more.  He has overcome a lot of things in his life, and he has done it with hard work, grace and honesty.  He really is the best person I know.  We have 5 amazing children, 4 girls and 1 boy; and I have been a stay home mom for most of their lives...almost 21 years now.  I've worked part-time here and there, and I own my own photography business; so I contribute monetarily a little.  Neil and I made the decision a long time ago that this would be my role, and I'm so very thankful that I have been able to be home so much with my children.  I'm also extremely thankful that he has supported me in this role and has been the one to support our family monetarily.  Finances have always been a struggle....a very very large struggle, but we always have everything we need and a lot of extra things as well. But 7 people and one income can be a challenge in the area where we live.  I remember being in this season as an older teenager/young adult.  It was a hard time, and I truly felt worthless.  It wasn't anything my parents or friends did, there were some outside circumstances that definitely played a huge role; but that's a story for another time.  I also remember feeling invisible for much of my childhood.  Again it was nothing my family or friends did, it was more of not fitting in to the "norm" in society.  I was painfully shy, you can ready more about that here.   Again I remember being in this season as a wife and mother, after my 4th baby was born.  I knew my role was important, but I remember feeling very unseen.  Until this turn in feeling invisible, I didn't really realize that many other people have experienced this season too.  I remember reading an article written by a woman who was feeling the exact same way.  It changed the way I viewed my role and myself.  I knew then I was building something beautiful and amazing.  As the years have passed since that time and the first time I read that article, I am in that season again....just a pair of hands, a taxi driver, a piggy bank (although mine is down to the pennies), a maid, a grocery store, an embarrassment...you know the rest.  I have felt like a big failure a lot in this role, but I realize I must   trust The Lord to guide me.  I know the work I'm doing is important, the most important work I'll ever do.  And those days when someone says, "You have a great kid"; I know I'm not invisible.