Thursday, June 25, 2009

The Pain That Brought The Blessing!

I've been thinking a lot about when I began seeking a relationship with Jesus. As I've written before, I've always been a believer....I've always longed for a relationship with Jesus....I've always wanted to know more about Him; but when did I actively start really seeking Him?
On June 4, 1986....I was driving from one of my part-time summer jobs to another one of my part-time summer jobs. It was raining, I was on a very busy highway and there was a lot of traffic. I was driving my mother's car....I don't remember why I wasn't driving my own car, but I know now that it was a blessing that I wasn't. I was in the third lane over from the median, which was a brick wall, and I remember focusing on the car in front of me. I was a good distance from it, because it kept swerving every time the driver tapped his brakes; and I was aware that the driver was not in good control of the car.....it was a Corvette. That's the last thing I remember until I heard something....I remember thinking to myself....What is that noise? Who is talking to me? Whose voice is that? My eyes were closed, and I couldn't open them. I could hear a voice but couldn't make out the words. THEN it happened....I don't know if my eyes were opened or closed, but I know I saw it....the light! I know that seems cliche, but I saw it! It wasn't like the light you might have read about, when someone is facing death, I didn't see anyone there in a white robe beckoning me and chanting "Come into the light"; but for me it was a bright light that was so bright you couldn't look directly into it but at the same time it was inviting....it was a bright light that was calming....it was a bright light that was encouraging....it was bright light that made me want to see more of it. It was only there for a brief moment, and then it was gone! At that moment, I opened my eyes. I remember someone pulling on me, and that it HURT A LOT! I saw shattered glass, and somehow I was lying flat on my back in the driver's seat of my mother's car. I looked at the firefighter who was pulling me out of the car, and my first thought....my immediate thought was this...."THANK YOU GOD FOR LETTING ME LIVE!" I could tell by the blood that I saw, the shattered glass, the brick wall that my mother's car was now a part of, the urgency with which the firefighters were working....I could tell that this was BAD! My next thought was this...."Dear God, I don't know what happened; but please don't let me have killed anyone!" As I was placed on the gurney and being wheeled to the ambulance, the firefighters were asking me all sorts of questions; and I was answering them with precision...."What's your name? My name is Lorie Lynn Addison. What's your phone number? My phone number is 214-445-0684. Who should we call? You need to call my mother at work, her work number is 214-387-8658."! Up until this point, I remember everything crystal clear....every little detail. Then I don't remember anything else until I was at the hospital, and I was being wheeled from the ambulance to the ER....I remember being wheeled by people I recognized and thinking this is odd, how did they know I would be here? I remember lying on the gurney and seeing my mother come in to the ER, and I remember the first thing I said was...."Mom, I wrecked your car. I'm sorry. Do you know if it was my fault? Do you know if I killed anyone?" She responded calmly and said that she didn't care about the car, the accident was not my fault, and I was actually hurt the worst out of all the vehicles involved....all 10 of them. There would be months and even years of healing, and still today my body is not completely whole due to that accident; but through many stitches....plastic surgery to repair my nose that had been completly cut in two and my forehead that had a scar from one side to the other....the absolute excrutiating pain of months of physical therapy....the headaches that wouldn't go away....and many tests to make sure my head injury was getting better.....through it all....I realized that this accident really was life changing, it was life saving. I realized that my body would never be completely whole again, but my soul certainly was on its way to a complete healing. You see this 10 car pile up, where my car was impacted by a cement truck and pushed through 2 lanes of traffic into a brick wall median while crashing into a corvette and side swiping several cars before making its final stop at the median....this was in reality a life saving blessing.
Prior to this accident, I was in a severe state of depression and had been for a few years, but I was definitely at my all time lowest point....I was not suicidal, mainly because I was fearful of suicide. I was taught, from a very young age, that suicide means instant damnation; and although I was miserable in the life I was living, I knew that damnation to Hell would be much worse. I would have never taken my own life, but I wished for death nearly every moment I was awake. I was tired of living in that state of sadness, in that state of desperation, in that state of feeling so unloved and unwanted that my self worth was dwindling away. I was not addicted to drugs or alcohol or doing anything illegal, but I had been in a very bad relationship for a very long time. It was just as much my fault as it was his, because I allowed him to beat me down for all of those years. Although I didn't want to have anything to do with him anymore, I was already in such a bad state that I really didn't care about anything....I wished I was dead. On June 4th, 1986....JESUS saved my life through allowing me to endure that horrible car accident. This person, ME, who witnessed that light....this person, ME, who was wishing I was dead (or at least that's what I thought at the time)....this person, ME, who was so selfishly unhappy....realized at that moment that I didn't want to die. Life is a gift, and I wanted the gift of life. The minute that I saw that light, the minute that I opened my eyes.....I knew, without a doubt, that HE was there with me. I could feel His presence in the calm, the encouraging, the longing of that light....even in the midst of the chaos that surrounded me....I could feel it. I knew as soon as I opened my eyes that He had saved me once again....once by shedding His blood on the cross and now again by letting me feel His presence during the worst time of my life. On June 4, 1986....I began to seek a relationship with Jesus! It took me a while to trust Him, but today on June 24, 2009 as I continue to grow in Christ....I do trust Him! Do I still struggle? Of course I do, but now I find myself going to Him when I struggle. I know that there are many people in the world, who deal with struggles much more intense and heartbreaking than the state of depression that I was in, but what I believe....with every ounce of my being....is that Jesus saw me drifting; and for some reason which I won't know until I meet Him in Heaven....He decided to rescue me and breathe new life into me. He gave me another chance to get my act together and LIVE MY LIFE! On June 4, 1986.....I realized what a gift life is, and I am so thankful for my second chance on living life! As for my thoughts on suicide now, that requires another blog post; but I do know that God says....choose life!!
Passage Deuteronomy 30:19:19
I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death,(A) blessing and curse. Therefore choose life, that you and your offspring may live....

3 comments:

Alicia said...

Wow, Lorie! That is a pretty heavy testimony!

God is good!

Gracie said...

Amazing Lorie! It is awesome how God works in our lives and how he uses "tragedy" for good. Great testimony. =)

whimzie said...

What a story! Thanks for sharing it with us, Lorie!