There is a small place in my heart that holds a little uncertainty and sadness....
Will he ever have a best friend? Will he ever fall in love and get married? Will my son ever look me in the eye and tell me he loves me?
Will he ever know the joy of becoming a father?
There is another place in my heart is full of so much thankfulness and gratefulness: I feel I’ve learned so much from being his mother. There are so many things that most mothers of typical children might take for granted, don’t take little things for granted and cherish each one...
...kisses and hugs and little arms wrapped around your neck, going out to dinner wherever you choose or to a movie, flying by the seat of your pants or being spontaneous, whispers in your ears.
Cal doesn't do most of these things without being prompted or prepared of oftentimes at all. Being spontaneous and flying by the seat of your pants is not an option when your child has autism.
I have also learned so much from his sisters: being accepting of someone for who they are especially when they are "different", loving unconditionally and embracing and encouraging their brother. It can be difficult for the girls sometimes, having a brother who has autism, but they each have a very unique and special relationship with him.
What I do know is that our family wouldn't be what it is if we didn't have Cal, our family wouldn't be near as accepting and non judgemental and our girls might not have learned what it means to sacrifice, really sacrifice, for someone you love. Do I want my son to be cured.... sure I do. Do I worry about his future....sometimes....not in the how are we going to take care of him kind of way but in the is he going to be happy kind of way....how are people going to treat him kind of way. Do I blame God.....not even a little....I thank God! I believe that God made Cal perfect....beautifully and wonderfully made him. Do I miss not getting the hugs and kisses....you bet. But mostly I find myself grateful for having him and when he does do something very "typical", my heart feels like it will explode with joy! Am I blessed....without a doubt! I love that boy, that child that God has lent me, I love him unconditionally and always!
Will he ever have a best friend? Will he ever fall in love and get married? Will my son ever look me in the eye and tell me he loves me?
Will he ever know the joy of becoming a father?
There is another place in my heart is full of so much thankfulness and gratefulness: I feel I’ve learned so much from being his mother. There are so many things that most mothers of typical children might take for granted, don’t take little things for granted and cherish each one...
...kisses and hugs and little arms wrapped around your neck, going out to dinner wherever you choose or to a movie, flying by the seat of your pants or being spontaneous, whispers in your ears.
Cal doesn't do most of these things without being prompted or prepared of oftentimes at all. Being spontaneous and flying by the seat of your pants is not an option when your child has autism.
I have also learned so much from his sisters: being accepting of someone for who they are especially when they are "different", loving unconditionally and embracing and encouraging their brother. It can be difficult for the girls sometimes, having a brother who has autism, but they each have a very unique and special relationship with him.
What I do know is that our family wouldn't be what it is if we didn't have Cal, our family wouldn't be near as accepting and non judgemental and our girls might not have learned what it means to sacrifice, really sacrifice, for someone you love. Do I want my son to be cured.... sure I do. Do I worry about his future....sometimes....not in the how are we going to take care of him kind of way but in the is he going to be happy kind of way....how are people going to treat him kind of way. Do I blame God.....not even a little....I thank God! I believe that God made Cal perfect....beautifully and wonderfully made him. Do I miss not getting the hugs and kisses....you bet. But mostly I find myself grateful for having him and when he does do something very "typical", my heart feels like it will explode with joy! Am I blessed....without a doubt! I love that boy, that child that God has lent me, I love him unconditionally and always!
To support the fight against Autism, go to Autism Speaks!
3 comments:
you know I love you and this was beautiful..I am thanking God for my sweet Aspy boy today and thinking a lot of those same things...but you are so right about learning more because of him. They are precious in His sight..
I totally understand!!
Cal is a beautiful and handsome child of God who amazes me in how far he has come! I do understand the "unknowns" but right now that smile just fills my heart!
~Elyse~
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