I Don't Fit In

I don't fit in....really anywhere....or at least that's how I feel about 99.9% of the time.  I know I'm loved by many and have some of the dearest friends, but still I often find myself feeling like I'm on the outside looking in.  Most of this is probably just me and my feelings and may not even be valid, but I've decided it's worth being validated.  I've been noticing that sometimes my kids don't seem to fit in to certain groups or things either, and sometimes I have found myself worried about it.  But most of the time, it's just me reading something a certain way that really isn't that way at all.  And about 99.9% of the time, it is revealed that they didn't "fit in" to a group that wasn't really a group they wanted to "fit in" with; and then I'm enlightened.  For me, I have discovered that as well.  Usually I don't fit in to a group that just isn't my tribe, it's not every group.  However sometimes it feels like it is, like I don't fit in even with my tribe.  As I've gotten older, I have started being okay with not fitting in.  I am becoming more and more confident of the person God created me to be and with that realization, I am becoming more and more okay with not fitting in. 

September 28....the best day of 2003!

Happy SWEET SIXTEEN Bryna Mae Payne. My spunky, fun, talented, beautiful girl. Almost the tallest Payne, next to Neil and maybe Cal. The girl who has always sung her way through the day....living life in a musical and making ours one too. Neil never understood musicals....he would say, "Who breaks out into song and dance randomly like that?" And then we had you, and now he totally gets it. Definitely the messiest, most unorganized Payne; but also the most carefree and one who is always up for adventure. You are hard working, dedicated and passionate about the things you love. I am so thankful for your kindness, your feistiness, your goodness. I am so thankful for your genuine love and gratitude. I am so thankful for keeping us on our toes, getting us out of the house and pushing outside our comfort zones. I am so thankful for the beauty you create with music and just by being you. I could listen to you sing all day long! I adore you B-Nut....now let's get to driving really soon, because you're also the busiest! 

September 3rd....the best day of 2006!

Happy THIRTEENTH Birthday Elliot Ann Payne! My babiest of babies. The funniest and most independent of us all. The one who dressed herself from head to toe, without help, from the time you were itty bitty. My lover of books, homemade fettuccine alfredo (only if I cook it), animals, performing, Harry Potter, friends, "Friends", all things music, making your bed, trying your best, a really good sandwich, phone cases, art, church, cheesecake, helping others and your family. You're an amazing friend and encourager. You love people well and may be the most non-judgmental person I know. Your heart is good and generous and welcoming. I love the way you are always excited to see your dad when he gets home from work, the way you are inclusive and kind, the way you keep me in line, the way you are so on top of things, the way you overcome challenges (especially when they are big ones), the way you support your friends and are genuinely happy for good things that happen for other people. I love the way you smile, take care of business, wish you were still a 2 year old, offer to help me with so much, are honest, give me a goodnight kiss every night and allow me to sing and dance to wake you up each morning (without being cranky about it), the way you make people feel. I love how hard you work to reach the goals you set, the way you love your siblings and the way you don't complain when I say "no" to R rated movies. I love your sincere and nice manners, and the way you will text me a "Thank You" when I send you a scripture each day. I love getting the "I Love You Mom, Thanks for all you do" random texts throughout the week. I love the way you love, it's inspiring and righteous; and people are blessed by your presence. I want to be more like you with each passing day. Welcome to the teen years. And I would bet when the day comes that I get on your last nerve, embarrass you, and you want to roll your eyes so hard; that you will never let me know it. I adore you my sweet Ellicinderelliwithabellyfullofjelly. Thirteen already looks good on you!

This quote has always reminded me of you, because you're a helper: “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.”
― Fred Rogers

Don't Come Home

I've been thinking about kids, who are about to embark on life after high school, whatever that may be.  For my newly graduated senior, it consists of commuting to community college for the first year. For many, it consists of moving out of their homes for the first time ever.  For some, it consists of working while living on their own or living at home. For some, it consists of trade school while living on their own or living at home. For some, it consists of a combination of the above.  One of the teachers I worked with last year always told the students....you don't have to go to college, you don't have to go to trade school, you don't have to work; but you have to do one of the above...you have to do something...you have to have a plan.  I always appreciated that advice so much for these newly turned young adults.

All parents and families approach this scenario differently, and what I'm about to write is strictly my opinion from my heart and from my experiences.  My opinion may be very different from yours, but I believe it's worth sharing.  When my oldest, Addi, went away to school after graduating high school; I was excited for her.  I didn't experience college like that, and I thought it was going to be a fun time for her.  I was also as sad as I could possibly be, because she had lived with me for 18 years; and I knew her 4 younger siblings were going to miss her like crazy.  Things were changing.  Neil, however, was not so pumped.  He didn't want her to start off her college career with student debt, but he knew that it needed to be her decision. So we packed her up and moved her in that August.  One thing I remember is standing in her dorm, thinking how I couldn't believe this was happening, I'm leaving my baby here.  For the first couple of weeks, I stood in her room at home and cried so so hard.  I cried while cooking dinner for 6 instead of 7.  I cried driving to and from work and even on the playground at recess.  I cried in the bathroom at the grocery store.  I missed her so much.   We traded text messages every day, usually multiple times, and we even drove up for dinner once.  I thought things were going pretty well, but quickly I realized that she was not thriving.  After parent orientation, I thought things are going to be great; but they weren't.  We had the best time together at orientation, and she seemed so excited about this next phase of life.  Somehow I had missed the fact that Addi was extremely depressed.  I knew that she had been battling some "sadness", but I thought it was due to the changes and the passing of both of her grandmothers.  I remembered feeling a lot of "sadness" after I graduated, because change was coming.  However I didn't move away from home and neither did most of my friends.  We all commuted to college together, so it was kinda like an extension of high school.  We had started Addi on some medication, the spring right before graduation, to help her with the sadness she was feeling.  I assumed all was going pretty well. If someone had not called me and directly told me she was in a bad state, I might not have realized it until it was too late. 

It quickly became apparent that things were spiraling down hill very fast, and to be honest; it took me completely by surprise.  This was my really laid back, easy going, happy go lucky child.  The one who was always pretty good with new things and let things roll off her back.  She is quiet but never seemed to have problems meeting people and settling into something new.  But soon I saw that she was becoming a different person.  She was irrational, easily irritated and seemed to tune us completely out.  And looking in her eyes, there was nothing....nothing was there.  She was empty.  I remember vividly, like it happened 5 minutes ago, getting on my knees in the middle of my living room and pleading to God.  Truth be told,  it may have been the one and only time that I completely surrendered when I said; "GOD, take this from me and your will be done.  Please give me the strength to survive it."  Neil and I decided we needed to seek some help, so I took her to her doctor who suggested admitting her to a hospital for severe depression.  Again in a matter of a few weeks, things spiraled downward so fast; and I was in a state of disbelief.  Since Addi was 18, it ultimately had to be her decision; and I give all praise to God for nudging her to agree.  I don't know if her time there was extremely beneficial for her, but I know the intense therapy that came afterwards was.  I remember her telling me that she didn't have much to share in her hospital group, because she didn't really know why she was so depressed.  Most everyone else there had had some traumatic experience or something happen that caused his/her depression.  Addi just really didn't know why.  I think that was eye opening for her but also frustrating, because there wasn't something to "fix".  While she was in the hospital, it was discovered that not only was she severely depressed; but she also had hypothryroidism and that the medication she was on for "sadness" was in fact making things even worse.  We switched her medication, started her on thyroid meds and she did 3 weeks of out patient therapy.  She ended up finishing her year away at school and planned to go back the following fall.  That summer I told her she needed to find something to get involved in, something she enjoyed, when she went back to school.  Her response was, "I just don't love it"; and after some thought, she decided to stay home and commute to school.  It wasn't easy for her seeing people "loving" their college experience and "having the best times of their lives" living away from home.  But social media can be very deceiving.  I had spoken to many parents who shared that their kids were not "loving" it or "having the best times of their lives", so I tried to explain this to her.  Eventually I think she realized it on her own, but she also realized that not everybody experiences the college life we see on instagram. It doesn't have to be that way to be good. She has grown so much from that time.  She is not cured from depression, and it still seeps in; but she is pretty good at managing it.  It has also been so beneficial that the stigma related to mental health has changed drastically over the last few years.  More people see it for what it is....an illness, sometimes lifelong.  It needs to be addressed openly, honestly and lovingly.  People need to know they're not alone.  When I was in the deepest pit of my life, I was ashamed and never asked for help.  It was by the grace of God that I survived that time (that's a whole other post though). Sharing her story and being willing to talk openly about it has helped others as well, and now I see her living life centered around Jesus.  That is the good that has come from this, and I know her story has helped many others.

That first year, I remember parents telling me they told their kids they couldn't come home; even if they were struggling.  They wanted them to have time to adjust.  I totally get that, but I also want to encourage you to make sure your kids are in a place they can adjust and more importantly survive.  It may take them a bit to thrive, and it may not.  They may jump in with 2 feet and be "loving" it and "having the best times of their lives" from the start, and they may not.  Just listen and follow your instincts, and if someone tells you something isn't right, take it seriously.  I did not realize my kid was not in a place to survive until it was nearly too late.
I'm also not a mom who says, "Don't come home."  I'm the mom who says, "Sure you can come home and bring all the people with you." I'm not a mom who is good at pretending to be upbeat and strong. I'm the mom that cries when they leave or I leave them and doesn't even wait until she gets in the car.  I'm the mom who is so excited for this next phase in life for them but doesn't feel the need to rush it.  I'm the mom that encourages them to ask for help whether it be from me or someone else. But I'm also the mom that reminds them that it is the ending of something; but without endings, there would be no beginnings.  And beginnings can lead to new adventures and new experiences.  It doesn't mean you forget the "old", it means you embrace the "new".
You can read Addi's story, told by her, here. 

DO NOT QUENCH THE SPIRIT

I had many many God moments last week on my first ever high school mission trip with CTCYM.  I have had them rotating through my very tired brain a lot. My favorite scripture is 1 Thessalonians 5:16-19: "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.  Do not quench the spirit."
When I started thinking about going on mission trip a few months ago,  I knew God would make a way.  Over these last few months and especially this last week, I kept hearing God tell me DO NOT QUENCH THE SPIRIT. When I nearly backed out at the last minute, because my boy was crying before we left; I heard Him say, "HE WILL BE FINE HERE WITH THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE HIM SO MUCH!  GO AND SHARE MY LOVE!  DO NOT QUENCH THE SPIRIT!"  So I went, and my boy had a great week.   When I was worried about being so exhausted that I wouldn't be able to focus and be of much help, again God said; "IT'S ONE WEEK!  YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS FOR ONE WEEK! DO NOT QUENCH THE SPIRIT!"  So I went, and the girls in my room were amazing and craved a good night's sleep as much as I did; and I had more energy than I do on a normal day.  When I thought that I might not connect with my team, God said; "GO!  TALK TO THE KIDS AND LISTEN TO THEM TOO!  GET TO KNOW THEM ON A LITTLE DEEPER LEVEL!  THERE WILL BE CONNECTION!"  So I went, and there was.  All of the students on my team (except one who just graduated) will be at Grapevine High School next year which also happens to be where I work.  We discussed how we would wave when we see each other in the hallways and got to know each other's interests and a few insecurities as well.  When I worried that the heat and my own health struggles might be too much for me, and I may let my team down; God said, "GO!  I WILL KEEP YOU STRONG!  DO NOT QUENCH THE SPIRIT!"  So I went and it was HOT, but most of our work was under a covered porch; and my body persevered. Then Drew told me about one of her God moments from last week.  One week ago today, she had been thinking all day about how it might seem like a big "sacrifice" to work in the heat, give up a week of our summer and sleep on an air mattress; but she kept thinking about the homeless community and their circumstances (some of which are dire) and last a lot longer than a week.  She said looking at this week as an "I get to do this" rather than "I have to do this" makes you realize that it's not really a big "sacrifice" at all. We are the fortunate ones who "get to do this" and be equally or more blessed than those we serve.  It also happens to be the best week of the year for most of these youth. God showed up big in these moments.  On that particular day, while God was laying the homeless community on her heart once again, I got a message from a dear friend of ours who was able to secure a team of attorneys to help us start a 501c3 non profit for Yellow Bag Project.  We had a conference call this morning, and the steps are now in motion.  God continues to reveal Himself through people we know and those we don't.
My people, who have gone on mission trips, for many years always come back saying it's the best week of their year.  I have always wanted to experience this with them, but was always needed more at home.  I'm extremely grateful for all of you who made it possible for me to go and for all of the people who do all the planning and preparing for these trips, because now I completely understand why it is the best week of their year.  I get it!!  Praises! And on a side note, our washing machine which was currently not working well when we left, miraculously has been hanging in there and manhandling all the stinky things that 5 people bring home from a week of real bad sweating.  Bless!

May 28th....The Best Day of 1999!!

Happy 20th Birthday Callahan Leigh Payne, my Lone Ranger. My special boy who has taught me more about life than anyone or anything I've ever known. You have taught me the importance of being in the moment, not taking anything for granted and celebrating accomplishments that may not seem like much to most but are the world to us. I can still remember vividly the first time you let me kiss you without being annoyed and wiping it away, the first time you got into a pool after watching from afar for so long, the first time wrote your name between the tiny lines on the notebook paper, the first time you got new shoes before August, the first time you willingly wore a coat, the first time you didn't sleep with your shoes on, the first time you sat in a chair calmly for a haircut, the first time you went to school without a diaper, and many more. You may not have done these things in a typical time frame, but you did them; and you worked a lot harder than most of us to accomplish them. You may not have gotten invited to many birthday parties, learned to drive, graduated high school (yet); but you have impacted every single person, who has taken the time to get to know you, in the best possible way. You make us all better. You have shaped our family into who we are and made us all passionate about true inclusion, unconditional love, and appreciating the every day things. I remember the day you asked me what was wrong with you. I was so taken aback, but you looked so seriously in my eyes waiting for an answer. I've thought about that day a lot, and the answer is always the same...nothing! Nothing is wrong with you. You have Autism and Fragile X, but nothing is wrong with you. It is a big part of who you are, but it is not who you are. You are as valuable and remarkable as every person, and truthfully we all have something. We are all on the spectrum somewhere. The sooner we all realize that about ourselves and others, the better we will be able to love each other; and the better place the world will be. I have learned this greatest life lesson from you. To be honest, I think you are more of the type of person God had in mind when He created humans. He is pleased with you.
I took this photo yesterday. I spent a few minutes trying to shoot it without my reflection in it. Then I realized that seeing myself in you and you in me is a wonderful wonderful thing. Happy Bday My Beautiful Boy! I adore you!

DO BETTER

Sixth grade awards were last night.  Although Elliot knew she was not being honored with an award, she wanted to go to support all of her friends that were.  I have a gazillion things to do, and I secretly despise awards ceremonies; but I agreed to take her.  When we arrived, it was immediately awkward; because she wasn't sure if she could sit with her friends or not...since she was not receiving an award.  She quickly inspected and decided she would and went and sat with the others.  I stayed in the back.  The ceremony was one of the best I've attended....it was efficient with not too much fluff.  Pretty much every single one of her friends were recipients of at least one award.  She was very proud of them and so was I.  They were all so deserving.  After the ceremony, I spoke to a few people and then looked around for her.  Neil was coming to pick us up to head to her piano recital which was immediately following the awards ceremony.  I spotted her standing alone, so I waved her over.  She had a look on her face, and I knew right away that she was sad.  I asked her if she wanted to snap a few photos with some friends before we headed outside, and she shook her head no and said; "All of the Cannon kids are taking a photo."  I encouraged her to go get in the picture, because even though she didn't do all of her elementary years at Cannon; she did the majority.  Then she said, "They're all holding up their awards"; and I knew then why she was sad.  So we scooted on outside and walked a bit waiting for Neil.  My mind started racing....What can I do to help her "do better" next year, so she will get an award.  Then I looked at her freckled face and bright eyes and realized NOTHING, there is nothing I need to do.  The fact that she chose to be here knowing she wasn't receiving recognition but only to support her friends is about as good as it gets.  There's no "doing better", because she's done the best, truest, purest thing ever.  I have questioned the decision about homeschooling her for 4th and 5th grades, because I feel that she feels a little distant and isolated from her peers; but God always reminds me of how amazing those 2 years were and what we learned from each other.  He reminds me that she is His, and His plan for her is greater than mine.  "Doing better" is for His glory, not hers and especially not mine.  God uses her so well, and it is always so evident to me.  Elliot is truly a servant and most of the time servants go unnoticed, because oftentimes that's how it's supposed to be.  Doing God's work can be hard in different ways and staying true to your truth is one of the most difficult, but it's also one of the most important.

BUSY BUSY BUSY

MAY: noun; the month when everyone wants you to do all the things and pay for all the things.
Synonyms:  AUGUST and DECEMBER


Seriously could it be a busier time of year?  It's all fun and good stuff, but it's a lot of stuff.  Neil got up at 5:30 and drove a group of people (Addi included) to Love Field to get on a plane to Houston, sit all day in the airport and finally get on their connecting flight to Costa Rica.  Drew had her PROM last night and is on her way to Houston for a fun trip with 2 of her friends and a mama.  She was one of the Reverend Carol scholarship recipients.  Cal, Neil and I went to the Center of Unity Church this morning on her behalf.  I'm so glad we did, it was the sweetest service.  This was the only scholarship that she had to interview for which I didn't think she would do due to anxiety, but she did; and she loved it and they loved her.  Reverend Carol sent her the sweetest handwritten note a few weeks ago, and it was so incredibly meaningful.  I missed Drew being there with us this morning, because I know how much she would have enjoyed the service and seeing the scholarship committee again.  I know God felt that longing in my heart, because He showed up big.  One of the scholarship interviewers sang "Wind Beneath My Wings" which was one of my mom's favorite songs.  I can't remember the last time I heard that song, so I knew it was meant for me.  And the scripture read was Psalm 139:14 which is Drew's favorite scripture.  It was such a blessed morning.  Reverend Carol, who retired in 2018, was there and spoke to each of the recipients and to the congregation.  Her words were so genuine and spot on, and her voice quivered when she told them how incredibly proud she was of them and how thankful she is to be part of their journey.  She told us all how these kids are so important for the future of our world, but also how they are important and making a huge difference RIGHT NOW!  She named some of the things the recipients are doing right now to make a difference, and it was amazing at how they are currently changing the world for the better.  The advice she gave the was this:
1.  Don't lose contact with your family.  Texting is fine, but we like to hear your voices; so call sometimes.
2.  Laugh a lot!
3.  Look at the best within yourself and especially others, even those who disappoint you; because it's there.
4.  Stay true to your truth!
5.  Remember you're never alone! God is always with you!
I'm so grateful.  Neil and Elliot are currently working the church parking lot fundraising for mission trips.  Bryna is about to have her final masterclass play and then Bryna and Elliot and I will be heading to Allen for their dance recital dress rehearsal.  Busyness overwhelms me, and my eye has started twitching which is a sign of stress; but it only lasts for a short time....just like all of these fun activities.  Time is such a weird thing, isn't it?  Sometimes it seems so slow and other times, it passes in the blink or twitch of an eye.  I'm just trying to relish in all of these moments...eye twitch and all.

Grandparents

You know how God shows up in those little moments and sometimes you don't even realize it until they have passed? That recently happened to Bryna.  My parents and my in-laws have all passed away.  My kids don't have any living grandparents.  The only grandpa, that 4 of them knew, died in 2005....my dad.  Neil's dad died when Neil was one.  Elli has never had the experience of a relationship with a grandfather, and B's is very vague as she was only 2 when my dad passed.  My maternal grandparents were a HUGE part of my life, so influential in my spiritual walk but also with so many things in life.  I was extremely close to them.  My paternal grandmother died when I was a baby, so I never had the pleasure of knowing her.  My paternal grandfather died when I was a teen, so I didn't have long enough with him.  It's surreal and sad that my children lost their grandparents at such young ages.  My girls have often commented on how much they wish their grandparents were still here.  Yesterday I was driving B home from tutoring, and we were talking about her teachers.  She told me that she has a gentleman, Mr. Thompson, who subs in one of her classes regularly and how much she enjoys him.  She was telling me all about him, how he teaches a lot of life lessons along with the academic, that he is 80 years old but doesn't consider himself to be old, that he has a lovely wife, and that he reminds her of a grandpa she so desperately needs.  My heart hurt a lot for her, but I also felt really grateful to Mr. Thompson for making such a big impact in only a few short months.  Yesterday was his last day to sub, because he is moving to Santa Fe.  His daughter is building him and his wife a house out there next to her which is awesome for them.  The students were having a little heart to heart with Mr. Thompson and one of them asked him who his favorite student in the class was.  He said, "Well it's Bryna, because she reminds me of my granddaughter."  Maybe Mr. Thompson shouldn't have specified or maybe he should have said something like "You all are", but he spoke from the heart; and I think that all of the students appreciated that about him.   It was also a little blessing from God for Bryna....letting her know that she is seen and heard.  I like to think of  it as God telling her that He knows how much she wishes she had more time with her grandparents.  God works through us all in one way or another, and I'm thankful for Mr. Thompson and his honesty and love he shared with these kids.  He made a huge impact on Bryna, and she is going to miss him.   His granddaughter is very fortunate to have him. 

People

Do you ever people watch?  I am fascinated by people.  I don't always people watch, but when given the opportunity to observe, I do.  When I am observing strangers in whatever setting we are in, I often wonder what their personal life is like.  For example, how many people are in their family?  Do they live in a house, apartment, mobile home, or do they even have a place to call home?  Are there 2 parents, 1 parent, any parents?  Are they married, dating, single, widowed?  What struggle are they in, or is everything going really well right now?  I've learned that you can't judge a book but also that ...we have no idea what someone is experiencing whether that be joy or heartbreak.  Sometimes the people who seem to have it all together are the ones who don't, and those who don't seem to have it all together are the ones who do.  Life is weird like that...it deals out certain cards  and sometimes it's a great hand and sometimes you lose everything. Either way, I strive to be open minded and kind.  This world is harsh enough, isn't it?  Sprinkle that kindness, inclusion and compassion around like confetti.

Nudges

My heart is heavy.  Trying to balance my health, our house, finances, relationships, self worth and the overwhelming feeling of guilt knowing there are so many people with bigger struggles than I.  The world has become so dark to me. Focusing on the good things is a definite positive, but it hasn't come easily for me as of late.  Usually it does but not lately.  Then a week ago I was having a yard sale, just to get rid of some things and make a little extra money.  A woman and her husband stopped to browse.  She was looking at shoes I had for sale but decided against them and got into her car.  They both waved at me as they were driving away, and I waved back.  Then their car slowed before they left the front of my house, and I assumed she had changed her mind.  She got out and walked up my sidewalk, so I got up to go meet her.  I could tell she obviously wanted to talk to me.  She came right up to me, gently took my hand and looked directly into my eyes.  Then she slid a dollar bill into my hand and said, "This is for you."   I thanked her and assumed she would grab some shoes on her way back to her car, but she didn't.  She got into her car and waved at me again.  I looked at the dollar bill in my hand and realized it was a twenty dollar bill.  I don't know why she felt led to give me that, but I was very grateful.  The money was nice, and I have already paid that forward, but I was more grateful for the act of kindness....the gentle way she approached me and intentionally made me feel seen.  God is so good at using people, and I'm always grateful when they allow Him to use them.  If you feel a nudge, follow it....you never know the impact it will have.

It Takes The Whole Family!!

A week or so ago, I had a freak out moment.  I had asked my daughter, Drew, to make sure and be home by 4:30 to greet her brother as he got off the bus.  I had a faculty meeting, and the other girls all had work or school commitments.  I didn't tell Drew that none of her sisters would be home, so she didn't know.  She text me during the day and asked if she could go meet a friend who was coming in from out of town and be home by 5:00.  Note she had asked me about this earlier in the week as well, but I had forgotten.  I didn't read the text thoroughly, because I was busy at work and replied with something like "OK" thinking she was asking to meet her friend later.  As I was walking into my faculty meeting at 4:00, I had the nudge to text her again reminding her to be home at 4:30.  She replied that she wasn't home....not even near home, but in an entirely different city 30 minutes away.  I had a moment of panic, because I don't leave Cal alone for more than a few minutes and only after giving him very specific instructions:  "Don't go outside.  Don't open the door for strangers. Here is your phone, text me if you need me (which is just learning how to do and has never actually done yet)."  Having him come home to a completely empty house sent me into a frenzy.  I was irritated with Drew, and it definitely came across in my reply.  She was confused and reminded me that I had said "OK" to her being home by 5:00.  I called my neighbor, who did not respond and was not home; and then I told Drew I would go home and skip the meeting.  Graciously and apologetically, Drew said; "No mama, I'll go home and wait for him; so you don't have to miss the meeting." So my girl left her friend, who had traveled a long way and was only going to be available for that scheduled time, and drove home to greet her brother.  I can guarantee you she greeted him happily asking him about his day without being irritated about having to change her plans.  I apologized to Drew and felt badly for her, as well as, extremely grateful.  The beautiful thing about her and all of my kids is that she forgave me and didn't hold even the tiniest bit of a grudge.  The ironic thing is earlier that day I was thinking about my family and how caring for Cal is truly a family commitment. I had even started a blog post about it which turned into this one. The girls help out with Cal so very much, and I could not do half the things I do without their help.  They are compassionate and truly in complete adoration of their brother and have NEVER EVER EVEN ONCE complained about changing plans for Cal or helping with Cal or absolutely anything at all.  It's easy to adore Cal if you know him, but I also think the way his sisters love him has definitely impacted who he has become. I know their love for him has impacted who they have become.  And their love for each other has impacted who I've become.
 A long time ago, when Addi was a little girl; she kept begging me to have a lemonade stand.  I'll be honest and tell you that it was not on my list of things "TO DO".  It's not that I would have minded, it's more of I was busy....juggling work, all the babies, volunteering, a house, etc.  I just didn't have time for one more thing....or so I thought. Then one day she asked again, and instead of saying something like...sure we will do that real soon, I wondered why she was so insistent; so I asked her.  I expected her to say something like she wanted to have friends over to help and thought it would be fun, or she wanted to raise money to buy something we wouldn't/couldn't buy her; but that's not what she said at all.  Addi explained that she wanted to have a lemonade stand to raise money for Cal and Autism Awareness.  I remember stopping dead in my tracks, looking her in the eye and saying; "YES!!"  She planned, baked, stirred, made signs, and t-shirts; and she had a lemonade stand.  Over a few days, she raised over $600.  It was a pivotal time in my life and the life of my family for many reasons.  One reason was how the girls were able to witness the goodness in people.  People we loved, as well as, complete strangers supported that lemonade stand and her passion.  Many people, we didn't know, would stop and make donations and tell her what a good thing she was doing.  Another reason was that her generous and compassionate spirit. as well as, her determination has been instrumental in leading her sisters to reach outside of their comfort zones and pursue helping people in their own ways. That lemonade stand physically involved them in something where they were able to see  and feel the blessing of serving others. For me the most important reason is this one...Addi reminded me to take the time to listen to their passions and support them in anyway I can by simply saying "YES!!"
April is Autism Awareness Month, and we are grateful for the support you all have given in support of our boy and our girls.  It truly means the world to us all.  And these babies of mine....they bring so much light into the world, and I am changed for the better every time I say "YES!!"

SELF CARE

Lent has been very hard for me, and we are barely into it.  I took on being positive and fighting off negative thoughts, words, attitudes.  But I've been disheartened lately.  I've been disappointed.  I've been tired of much.  One thing I've been thinking a lot about is the "self care" movement and what that means, because honestly it's everywhere I look.  I must give a disclaimer here:  If you're all about "We are all in this together" or "We are doing the best we can" or "Women need to care for themselves before caring for others"; you might as well stop reading now.  Because honestly we are not all in this together....there's hate, jealousy, racism and prejudice in the world; and truth be told, there are days when I  am simply not doing the best I can.  This whole thing has lost value for me, because of the generality placed on it....kind of like when the population chimes in with "We are praying for you" when some horrific tragedy happens in our world.  That too has lost value for me, because the words seem dismissive and empty.  I know that is not the intent, but those words have been used in such a frequent and common way that  they no longer seem reverent, thoughtful and sincere.  The "self care" movement has become hollow.  Many talk about self care and loving yourself and blah blah blah, but I feel like we are a society that puts way too much emphasis on it in a very general and shallow way:  pamper yourself, have a day out at the spa, do things that bring you joy, take time for yourself, exercise, drink more water.  The "self care" movement seems, well, very selfish and meaningless.  For me to really care for myself, I need to go deep.  I'm not saying some pampering, exercise and doing things that bring me joy are not good things.  And yes those things definitely can make me feel better, my attitude better and attribute to self care.  I crave peace, quiet,  joyful things and water....exercise, not so much.  But the more I've read about "self care", the more I've realized that I already do most of the things suggested pretty regularly.  There was a season where pampering, alone time and exercise took a lot more effort than they do now, and most of the time I still have to be intentional about these things.  But what I've also realized is true "self care" for me is the hard stuff.  Staying when I want to run, loving someone who is hard to love, focusing on the positive when negative thoughts enter my mind, being honest when it's dangerous, pushing through when it's exhausting, speaking out when it's not popular, sacrificing when it affects my happiness.  I have to continue to strive to do the beautiful things when I don't feel equipped, to be the person that I know deep in my soul Jesus wants me to be, to stand for what I believe in all the while loving those I don't agree with.  The world is  avery broken place, and all of us are broken....every single one of us.  A day at the spa or a well intended cute coffee cup proclaiming self love isn't what makes me try harder for myself.  It's the soul searching, the listening, the seeing, the uncertainty and sometimes fear that I have to dig deep to get through.  It's asking for help without embarrassment but with confidence.  It's knowing I am a sinner, and I cannot do this on my own.  It's saying out loud to whomever will listen....I need guidance from  Jesus every minute of every day and oftentimes I need guidance from you to get through the hard stuff to be able to care for myself.  I couldn't make this post sound  fluffy or sweet, but that was not my intent.  I  just wanted it to sound real.

LENT

Today is Ash Wednesday....the beginning of the Lenten season.  Growing up, I didn't practice Lent.  I didn't even know what it was until I was in my 30's.  When I first started practicing Lent, I thought of it as a time of sacrifice, but now I consider it more of a time of conversion.  Fasting from something does indeed call for sacrifice, but sometimes I feel I have not taken this seriously enough.  Over the last 5 years or so, I've been very intentional about what I've fasted; and most of the time I've been successful....sort of.  However as I've been thinking about this over the last few days, I realized that my sacrifices needed to be something more.  I'm not talking about fasting more stuff, although that's not a bad idea either; I'm talking about more challenging, impactful, heart changing, life changing, me changing.  There has only been one time, that I can recall, that I fasted a particular something and actually gave that up for pretty much ever.  It was about 6 years ago, and I decided to challenge myself during Lent; so I gave up soda and bread. I know that may not sound very challenging, but I was addicted to coke. Coca Cola people, so let's stop that rumor chain before it even gets started.  During that time, I lost 20 pounds.  I was a pretty healthy eater and exercised a lot, but during that Lenten season; I was physically and emotionally impacted by bread and soda and the changes in my mind and body.  That year after Easter, I made some huge changes in my diet.  I did not drink another Coke for the next 5 years.  Since then I've had a taste every now and then, but nothing I would crave daily like I use to.  I took on a clean eating regimen and over the next 4 months; I lost another 25 pounds.  My life has changed a lot since I started taking better care of my body, and that got me thinking about this year's fast.  I've been praying for something, that I can challenge myself with, that will impact me forever, not just for 40 days (not including Sundays).  It wasn't until this morning, when I was praying and thinking about what daily encouragement to send to my children, that I found it. What I want to do for Lent.  I want to practice positivity more intentionally and to hopefully make an impact on other people, as well as, myself.

I need more positive, and I need to be the positive for others.  The world is a hard place, it's a scary place, it's an unfair place; but it's where we are.  I find myself focusing on negative a lot lately, because there is so much of it.  It's time to refocus, recenter, rethink and remember....there is positive in the world, even in the hard, scary and unfair....sometimes it's hard to see, but we have to keep looking! This is something that I know will change me and hopefully impact others....not in a PollyAnna sort of way....but in an "I'm here for you, and I love you" sort of way!  I know I will stumble, but I am praying this mind set will keep me centered on shining light in the darkness instead of fumbling to try to find the switch and then giving up.  This might sound like an easy thing to do, but to be successful and make this a lasting change; there is more to this than just a positive attitude. It will need to be a way of thinking about things, seeing things, praying for things and approaching things.  I will need to focus on my mind and energy and transforming them when life is hard, scary and unfair.  Look for the beauty and when I can't see it, know it's there and keep looking.

ALL ARE WELCOME

I had a conversation this past weekend about the general conference that was held for the Methodist church.  It's been extremely painful, and so many people have been hurt.  In our conversation, the main question was why?  Not why did the vote turn out this way, but why was there even a need for a vote?  This posed by a woman, whom I've known for years, who is searching for a church home.  She was planning on attending her boyfriend's church, which is a Methodist church, but after general conference decided against it.  Although I tried to defend my personal church and all of those who are not supportive of the outcome of this vote, I must admit I too have wondered why this vote was even a thing.  Ultimately I know the answer is that in order to change the Methodist Book of Discipline, a vote was the most diplomatic way.  However as in most governing boards, there are some things wrong here.  One of the biggest, in my opinion, is why did the global church vote on something that only affects the US?  Two, why do we think we can pick and choose who we welcome into the church? Some will argue that we, Methodists, are welcoming of all; but are we really?  Of course many are, but after the vote; it is oftentimes assumed that all Methodist churches are in favor of this particular exclusion. When you invite people in to experience the unbridled love of God, your arms should be open fully, not crossed at your chest.  This is what I feel like our denomination has said, "Sure you can come to our church and love Jesus, but these are our terms". When Neil and I were searching for a church home, some 23 years ago, we landed in our Methodist church.  The biggest appeal was the inclusivity and Bible teachings. Obviously I don't agree with everything the Methodist Book of Discipline states, and honestly I don't even know some of it;  because I don't feel like it should dictate my relationship with God.  It can certainly help to guide it and to grow me in spiritual disciplines, but it's not the main factor that drives my love for My Lord.  Although I don't agree with everything, I do love my church and church family; and I have yet to find a perfect church or denomination.  Every time we take communion, the pastor says, "ALL ARE WELCOME!" I believe God wants us all, every single one of us, in His house feeling His love poured over us....all of us.  We have taught our children this as well....Jesus loves us all, every single one.  We don't get to decide that, that decision was made on the cross.  When we welcome with open arms, we are closer to living like Jesus.  We will never get it completely right, because we are in fact human and imperfect and not Jesus; but it doesn't mean we can't strive for Christian perfection.  It's not up to me to dictate someone's faith or relationship with Jesus, that's on them.  It is up to me to share the love and grace of Jesus and pray for those searching. In my heart and mind "ALL ARE WELCOME"  always!!  God will bring good from all of this, and I've seen glimpses of that these last few days.  Now we pray and wait as we move forward, not backward.

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God.  Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.  Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.  This is how God showed his love among us:  He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love:  not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.  Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.  No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.
1 John 4:7-12

"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?"
Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'  This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it:  'Love your neighbor as yourself.'  All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.
Matthew 22:35-40

March 3rd, the best day of 1997!!!

Happy 22nd Birthday Addison Jo Payne....my first born. The one who changed everything 22 years ago today. I remember the moment you were born realizing how much my mother loved me. I called her a few days after and said, "WOW....YOU REALLY LOVE ME! THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME LIKE THIS!" I remember her loving response and "seeing" her smile through the phone, knowing now that I understood. I spent the first months of your life, with you snuggled against me staring into your face in complete and total awe, completely overwhelmed by the miracle that you are. You were a gentle spirit from day one full of love, you had a deep thoughtful understanding of people from the time you were a toddler, and the most generous soul I'd ever known. You were the child who always included everyone, especially those who would not have been included otherwise. My girl who always always put her brother's needs before her own and set the expectation for how others should treat him, understanding him better than I did for many years. You're a life changer, AJP, the one who goes out of her way to make people feel special and to see their special and to embrace their special. Supportive of all the people who adore you and whom you adore, and you are adored by so many. You are the best biggest sister in the whole world. The best thing is watching you love your brother and sisters so fiercely and them love you back the same way. The relationships you all have is truly the greatest thing I've ever been fortunate enough to witness on a daily basis. You have a quiet wit, the best sense of humor and are truly an artistic genius. Jesus shines through you, and many times when I think What Would Jesus Do in this situation? You have already done it. You have been through some really really hard things and have fought your way to survival sharing your struggles in hopes of helping someone else. I'm proud of you more and more each day. You are my heart, and I adore you.

Will You Forgive Me?

Last night, I lost my cool with my babiest of babies.  She cried in the kitchen, and I was so frustrated with myself.  I let her be for a bit, and then I sought her out.  I cupped my hands around her face, looked her in the eyes and said, "I'm sorry.  Can you forgive me?"  Her eyes were still wet from tears, but you know what she did?  She said, "Yes I forgive you."  Then I kissed her cheeks!!

I don't do well with chaos, exhaustion or busyness....I get overwhelmed by each of these things individually, and the last few weeks; it's been all of them together.  That's not any excuse to lose my cool with anyone, but I did anyway.  

Years ago, I realized that sometimes saying "I'm sorry" isn't enough.  Sometimes it is, but sometimes it needs to be more.  We have this thing in our house that if someone unintentionally did something to hurt another in any way, "I'm sorry" would work....stepping on your foot, knocking over your drink, borrowing something without asking.  But sometimes it needed to be more.  If someone hurt someone in an intentional way....saying something with the intent of hurting feelings, deliberately disobeying, leaving someone out, then there would be time taken to think about what had happened....and eventually...when genuinely regretful and ready to take responsibility; they would look the other in the eyes and ask, "Will you forgive me?"  I cannot tell you what a difference this has made in our household and in our relationships.  Thinking about the situation, the feelings involved and the intentional asking for forgiveness has made us all much gentler with each other.  It has made us all realize that we make mistakes in relationships....sometimes intentionally but most of the time not....but forgiveness is key in working through the mistakes and then letting them go.  We put our self in the shoes of the one who was hurt, and that stirs up all the regret and remorse.  I cannot remember a time when any one of my children or husband have not forgiven me or each other.  I cannot remember a time when I have not forgiven one of them either.  This has helped me be more intentional with how I speak and act.  It doesn't mean I won't lose my cool from time to time, but it does mean I know that I can be forgiven.  "Forgiveness is the oil in relationships".  I don't know who said that, but I think it's so very true....it's what lubricates them and keeps them moving forward instead of backward.  If you're in a situation where you need to be forgiven, look someone in the eyes and genuinely ask them.

WWJD

I'm a private person and do not like conflict.  For years, I avoided conflict and would walk away when there was conflict around me.  It makes me so uncomfortable.  It wasn't until about 6 years ago, that I was drug into some terrible conflicts; and I felt forced to address many things due to people being misrepresented and lied to/about.  It was an ugly time, and it impacted my life in a way I would not wish on anyone.  However I did learn a lot about myself and taught myself a lot as well.  I had a small group of people, who I sought guidance from, and what I learned from all of them was something I already knew....you can't control people's actions, you can only control your reaction.  I remember the 3 of them telling me to work hard at this, because eventually the truth comes out; and reacting negatively at the time would not only affect others but also me.  So I did.  It was difficult, but I have seen the truth slowly emerge over these last years.  I don't post things on social media that will stir things up, because I've learned that people can "read' those things however they wish and oftentimes not how they were intended.  I'm always a face to face person.
My church denomination has made a decision that I do not support, one that will impact so many people in our world and in my life.  The hurt and pain this has caused has not been wasted on me, I feel it.  My first instinct was to walk away, like I usually do.  Through the words of many people whom I love and respect, I now know that is not what God wants from me....at least not right now.  He wants me to stand firm and be an example of how to lovingly and respectfully agree to disagree and to let my voice be heard.  He wants us to bring the church together, not tear it apart.  I don't know what that looks like just yet, but I know that I cannot control other people's words or actions; I can only control mine.  I will work hard to let my voice be heard and be encouraging and honest.  I will work hard to represent the good that God will bring.  I will work hard to be like Jesus.  I will work hard to love everyone, especially those with whom I may not agree.  If ever there was a time to ask, WWJD; it is now.  Lord lead us in your ways and always remind us that YOU ARE LOVE!  YOU ARE SOVEREIGN!  YOU ARE IN CONTROL!

Matthew 22:36-40
"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?
Jesus replied:  'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.  This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.  All the Law and Prophets hang on these two commandments.'"

Matthew 7:1-2
Judging Others
"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

Rewrite

A few weeks ago, my Sunday School teacher was looking for people to lead a few weeks in his absence.  We are doing a study called, "The Struggle Is Real" by Nicole Unice.  Standing up in front of kids is easy peasy for me, but adults is a different story.  I'm not fond of it, but after he sent out a plea numerous times; for some reason, I agreed to lead a lesson.  Today was that day.  This particular lesson was about a rewrite...it was about words...and you all know how much I love words.  Words are a big part of who I am.  I don't necessarily speak a lot of them, but I think a gazillion a day; and I love to read and write them.  The lesson focused on being intentional with what we tell ourselves about ourselves vs. the words Jesus tells us about ourselves.   Reading over the lesson and the scripture was so eye opening for me.  Did you know that when Jesus tells us to take the log out of our own eye before worrying about the speck in our brother's eye that He is calling us to some serious self examination?  That scripture is not all about judging others, although a good part of it is.  Jesus is calling us to get right with ourselves before speaking to others about faults.  He wants us to go to our brothers with compassion and concern, not contempt.

Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye. Luke 6:41-42

He also tells us that what we put into our mouths comes back out of our body, but what comes out of our mouth comes from our heart.

17 “Don’t you see that whatever enters the mouth goes into the stomach and then out of the body? 18 But the things that come out of a person’s mouth come from the heart, and these defile them. 19 For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. 20 These are what defile a person; but eating with unwashed hands does not defile them.”  Matthew 15:17-19

We need to be intentional about what we tell inner selves and work on our hearts.  Part of the lesson instructed that we devise a plan on how we can tell ourselves the words Jesus would tell us.  I'll admit that I am and have always been pretty hard on myself....I've felt less than worthy about much in my lifetime.  It wasn't until recent years that I started to work on being more gentle with myself.  Yesterday while I was reading this part of the lesson, I was trying to decide how I can talk to my inner self like Jesus would.  What immediately came to my mind was children....my own and others....and how I would want my words to affect them.  Never in a million years would I ever want my children, the children I teach or the children I have any sort of relationship with to let something I said affect their self worth or inner self in a negative way.  It made me realize that that's how I need to talk to my inner self....as if I were talking to one of my children.  Be gentle, kind, encouraging and full of love.  Jesus Loves Me This I Know For The Bible Tells Me So.  But then there's this....Jesus Knows Me This I Love, and He Loves Me Anyway!  I love how God works.  I didn't really want to lead this lesson today, because it's not something I'm good at  (another lie I tell myself); because as Jesus showed me today....I can lead well if I let Him do the talking.  I'm thankful for that nudge.

God is Good All The Time!

I don't believe it when people say, "God takes the good ones first"; because if that was true...a lot of people I know would be in heaven.  I do believe that sometimes bad things happen to good people and that God doesn't intercede in the way we think He should.  I also believe that He is in control, and we don't always understand His ways but someday we will.  We may be left devastated, heartbroken and angry wondering what is going on and why is this happening.  We may even question His motives.  People will tell us things like "God takes the good ones first"  or "God wanted her in heaven", but  He wants us all in heaven eventually; doesn't He?  I know they mean well, but it's just not something I believe is true.  Yet some of us go much sooner than others, and some of those are definitely some of the best people we know.  The rest of us try to figure it out, but most of the time; we just can't.  We have to focus on the next steps, because in brutal honesty....life goes on; and we are left to navigate what that will now look like....the new "normal"....how to move on.  I believe God is good, and He wants good for us.  I don't believe God causes bad things or sickness or accidents or tragedies.  I believe He can stop them, but sometimes He doesn't.  I don't know why, and I don't pretend to know why.  I've had people tell me you can ask Him when you get to heaven, but will it even matter then?  I can't picture myself entering the gates of heaven, running towards Jesus and saying...."Oh by the way, why did you allow this thing to happen or that person to suffer or my heart to break?"  I just picture it being peace and love and wholeness and all of the doubts and hurt and pain will not be there, there will be no questions; because the answers won't be important.  In all of the hurt and brokenness, I know God brings good.  It may be something we don't even see, but someone else does; but I trust and know that He brings good out of pain. Sometimes I feel guilty for allowing myself to suffer, especially over something that happened a long time ago, but I've seen that oftentimes that's when the good comes.  When I'm in the midst of trials or grief or loneliness, I will see Him use my circumstance to lift someone else; or I will be the one lifted by someone else's circumstance.  Sometimes I just sit in the pain and don't see the good right away, and sometimes I have to rearrange things in my head; so I can clearly see what goodness came....even if it was the tiniest shred.  But I do see it, even if the pain is still there.

February 5, THE BEST DAY OF 2001!!

Happy 8teenth birthday Drewby Lou...my deep feeling, deep thinking, granola girl.  The smack dab in the middle of the 5!  You made a grand entrance one month early on your Papa's birthday 18 years ago....best birthday present he ever received.  You're the most like me, but you are also your own wonderful unique self.  I know you are much wiser than I am/was about life already...you get that part from your dad.  :)  You thoroughly enjoy concerts, Kpop, coffee and Taco Bell quesaritos and are passionate about equality, inclusion and helping people.  You do NOT thoroughly enjoy being the center of attention, doing the dishes and beating around the bush. Sometimes you are misunderstood, because of your anxiety; but you have worked really hard on stepping outside of that to make the world a better place.  I can see you letting all the best parts of yourself be used for good, and I am extremely grateful for that.  You may officially be an adult, but there's a lot of life to live ahead; and I'm glad I get to be part of it.  I adore you Drew Michelle Payne. #drewbylou #adult #8teen #servingheart

NOT YOUR PEOPLE

Your tribe, your people, your biggest supporters....I truly believe this is beneficial in being a whole human.  I know that not everyone has this gift, and I'm so thankful that I do.  I've talked with many of my tribe recently about this aspect of our relationships and how grateful I am.  I've also experienced 

people who don't clap for you but try to dishearten you, and I quickly realized those are not my people.  I've seen this in my own daughter's lives, the supportive people and those who are discouraging.  Although it is far from easy, I'm proud of the way they have been able to identify their tribe and those who "aren't their people" or "in their circle".  But I'm mostly grateful for the kindness they show, even to those, who don't show it in return.  

The Gifts My Children Share With Me!

My life is beautiful...truly sometimes I look around and cannot believe this is my reality.  The older I get and the more aware I am, the more I see this as truth.  It's not perfect, and I oftentimes feel discontentment. But when I get out of my own selfishness, I see this beautiful life I have.  On days when things are particularly difficult due to an array of different things, I can lose myself in those things that occupy my thoughts.  However when I am losing myself in those thoughts; I know I need to be intentional and deliberate and focused...then I will see the beauty again. I am a person who needs to be intentional about caring for my mind, body and soul; otherwise, I can get lost in the negatives.  I believe God brought Neil into my life for a multitude of reasons, but the biggest may have been to teach me to see the good and be grateful.  My ailing body and mind, along with, personal hurt and loss that have come in these past several months have taken a toll.  The busyness of working a lot, the chaos of our living conditions, the lack of downtime, the anger and hate from others, the lack of time with my soul sisters have taken a toll.  One thing I've known for a very long time is what I need to care for myself, but sometimes I forget to actually do it.  I have recently seen a few of my girls forgetting to do this as well, and then I realized that maybe a few of them don't really know how to do it.  One of my girls is really good at knowing what she needs when she becomes overwhelmed.  One has not been, but I think she is starting to figure this out.  She and I took the morning off and spent some time talking about many things.  I told her what I do to care for my mind, body and soul; and she gleaned a lot from that conversation.  I always thought this daughter and I were very different, but in reality; I think we are very similar in many ways.  I'm seeing that my girls are learning, much earlier than I did, what they need to do to care for themselves.  I didn't learn this and see the value in this until I was well into my adult years.  It is something that is completely necessary to do.  I am grateful that they are realizing this now.  They are so much better at dealing with emotions and self care and realizing what they need than I am.  They are so much better at releasing anger and forgiving others than I am.  They are much better at moving forward than I am.  I am full of wisdom and life experiences, but sometimes I see that they are wiser than I am.  This, my friends, is a true gift....to be able to learn so much from the example your children set for you and to see them walking a straight path when there are so many curves and bumps.  Parenting is the hardest, bestest, saddest, happiest thing in the world.

FEAR

FEAR!  This is my most irrational emotion.  Actually, it may be the most irrational emotion for every living thing.  I completely freak out when I feel fear.  Sometimes things happen that push me towards the beginning feelings of fear, but then I am able to talk myself into more rational thinking.  This isn't something I take lightly or is easy at all.  It has taken me years to be able to do this, and it involves deep breathing, a place to purposefully clear my mind and open up my thoughts to deep thinking about the situation.  It always involves talking to God.  Sometimes fear hits me so fast and furiously that I react before I realize that I am reacting out of fear, and it's usually completely irrationally.  I've worked very hard on myself and been intentional about how to keep this from happening but I am only human.  These last few days I've felt a little fear creeping in, because this world can be a scary place.  One of my mentors and favorite people has talked about memorizing scripture to recall in times of need, praise, desperation, joy, etc.  So I searched my daily devotion on the topic of fear.  This is the one I found, that resonated within me the most.  I memorized Isaiah 41:10 a long time ago and recite it often. 

DO NOT BE AFRAID, for I am with you. Hear Me saying, “Peace, be still,” to your restless heart. No matter what happens, I will never leave you or forsake you. Let this assurance soak into your mind and heart until you overflow with Joy. Though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, you need not fear!

The media relentlessly proclaim bad news: for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. A steady diet of their fare will sicken you. Instead of focusing on fickle, ever-changing news broadcasts, tune in to the living Word—the One who is always the same. Let Scripture saturate your mind and heart, and you will walk steadily along the path of Life. Even though you don’t know what will happen tomorrow, you can be absolutely sure of your ultimate destination. I hold you by your right hand, and afterward I will take you into Glory.

Then He arose and rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, “Peace, be still!” And the wind ceased and there was a great calm.
—Mark 4:39 nkjv

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.
—Deuteronomy 31:6

Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea.
—Psalm 46:2

Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.
—Psalm 73:23–24