Happy....Sad

I was in sort of a foul mood all afternoon, and I couldn't really figure out why until just now...and yes it's 12:49 a.m....and I am going to write about it. All evening I kept thinking to myself....Why do I feel like crying? Is it because I'm just plain exhausted? Is it because my girls broke something today that I really loved? Is it because I might have over reacted a little, okay maybe a lot, when they broke it? Is it because my sweet Addi is growing up and away? Is it because I'm tired of living on such a tight budget? And I decided that YES...it is all of those things, but what really made today different than any other day was this....FIELD DAY! Today was Field Day at Cal's and Drew's elementary school. The students walk from the elementary to the middle school which isn't very far but is alongside a very busy street. I received a phone call early this morning, from Cal's special ed. teacher, asking me to drive him to Field Day. I told her that if I came to get him, I would just bring him home; because I knew.....WITHOUT A DOUBT....that he would be confused as to why I was driving him when everyone else was walking, and he would refuse to get out of my car. Cal is very unpredictable and very predictable, and this was something I could definitely predict. I was puzzled as to why she wanted me to do this....when he has been walking to Field Day for the past 4 years. And then I remembered a field trip from earlier in the year. The kids walked from the school to our downtown Opry House....yes we have an Opry House....pretty cool huh? On the way back, Cal ran the entire way and not only did he run; but he ran way ahead of the others....so his teacher had to run after him the entire way....which actually made me giggle when she told me as she panted. I knew that his teacher and special ed. teacher were afraid he would do this again. Nonetheless I convinced her to walk with him....which she did....and all was fine. As for Cal and Field Day....unpredictable....you never know if he will participate in the events or sit and watch the entire time....honestly either is fine with me, but I am always thrilled if he does participate. Elliot and I arrived at Field Day to watch and take pictures. When we arrived, he had already participated in two events....WOOHOO!!! We went and watched Drew first and took some pictures, then we went over to Cal....I save him for last in case he decides he is not happy that we are there watching....unpredictable. On the contrary, he was very happy that we were there and in fact he posed quite nicely for several pictures as he did the egg in the spoon relay race...it was awesome and so stinkin' cute. All was going well until we got to Tug of War....which he participated in just fine, although he really didn't pull too hard; because honestly he has no idea that it is a competition. One of the other moms said something like....it must be nice to have a child who doesn't care about winning. I agreed that it was refreshing to have a child who really participated for fun and didn't get distraught if his class didn't win. I also told her it was nice to have a child who didn't lie or fabricate truths, because he just doesn't know how to....which is also true. I decided to leave Field Day a little early as it was getting really hot, and Elliot was getting a little pink....sunscreened and all....when his special ed. teacher said, "You can drive him back to school." I was stunned....Why would she want me to do that? They had walked there with him just fine, and he had done this for 4 years with no problems. If I drove him back to school, he wouldn't go in....especially if his class was still at Field Day! They still had at least 30 minutes left of Field Day and there was no way I could keep Elliot out in the sun for that long....you know very pale skin and sun don't mix! So I said....in a nice way.... "We will just go home." I asked Cal if he wanted to ride with me home, and he said yes; but I could tell that he was so confused as to why he had to leave Field Day and that he didn't really want to leave. We got home, and he ate lunch and just hung out all afternoon...but he kept saying, "Mommy, I had fun at the Field Day with my friends." Each time he said it....it made me sad for him, because although he was glad to be home....he actually loves being at home....I felt like it was a set back. And I could tell he was confused as to what he had done to cause him to need to come home....almost like he thought he might be in trouble. As the day went on, I thought a lot about my boy.... and how he looked so cute doing the egg in the spoon race and how he held on to the Tug Of War rope but didn't really pull and how he would never know if he won or lost....and I got sad. With Cal it's like 1 step forward and 2 steps back, and as I watched him lightly pull on that rope....I was thrilled. But as I felt forced to make him leave early when he was doing so great....I felt sad. I didn't even realize it until 12:49 a.m. when I was lying in bed and couldn't sleep....that it was the events surrounding Field Day that really made me have a heavy heart today....yes those other things (being exhausted, my girls breaking something I loved, my over reaction to them breaking it, my Addi growing up so fast, and the stress of living on such a tight budget) all played a part; but it all started with Field Day. So I'm up typing this...feeling a little better....now knowing why I was in a foul mood today. Writing is a good outlet for me which is why I started journaling many years ago. Having a good cry has become a good outlet for me as well. There are days that things don't get to me and then there are days like today....when they do.