Thank God for NICU Nurses and for Bryna!

I have been living in a state of uncertainty for the last day or so....not uncertainty in my faith but uncertainty in what I can do....so I pray.

My dear Lifelong friend, who is expecting her 3rd child in April, received some very unsettling and frightenting news yesterday regarding the baby she is carrying in her womb. It seems as if she has an alarmingly low amount of amniotic fluid, and her baby is not growing as it should. She will be returning to her doctor tomorrow to check the fluid levels and to see if the baby is thriving. There is a chance of a delivery of a very premature baby (she is 24 weeks along) in the next few days. I pray for health for her baby as she has already experienced the devastating loss of a child. Also if you read MckMama's blog, you know that her baby boy Stellan is in the hospital with the most severe case of RSV I've ever heard about. We are praying that he is stable and will now turn the corner to getting better. He has not been intubated yet, but there is still that chance. As I've been praying for both of these women and their babies...unceasingly and diligently....my mind is having trouble focusing on anything else right now. And as I read MckMama's blog about the things they are doing to help Stellan, my mind keeps revisiting the birth of my sweet Bryna Mae....5 years 3 months and 2 days ago.

Bryna was born at 36 weeks gestation. We knew there was a slight chance of some health issues, but we really weren't too concerned; because her sister (Drew) had been born at 36 weeks and was perfectly healthy. Bryna was my longest delivery which should have told me then that she just really wasn't ready to be born, but nonetheless she came. I remember the minute she was born, they brought her over for me to see; and I could hear her making this weird noise. She wasn't crying, because she couldn't. They calmly told NPayne and I that she would need to go to the NICU for precautions, and we both nodded our heads....still not too concerned. I think this was the first time that NPayne didn't accompany the baby while all that post delivery stuff was being finished up with me. I couldn't wait for them to roll me down to NICU, so I could hold her. It was several hours before I was able to get into the wheelchair and be rolled down to see her. We eagerly rolled into the NICU with joy in our hearts at the thought of finally holding our baby, and I saw my big old baby girl lying in the incubator (she weighed 7 pounds 2 ounces, and yes she was a PREEMIE). I remember looking at her with all those tubes and stuff stuck in her forehead and arms and legs, and them telling me I couldn't hold her; she had been intubated to help her breathe. I asked the doctor if I should just come down to the NICU to feed her and hold her until we went home....and then the slap in the face....the doctor said "Oh she won't be going home with you!" I was in complete shock and a state of confusion. I remember the doctor saying something like the following....your baby is very sick, and right now we are just doing all we can for her, but we really don't know the outcome. I felt like he just punched me in the stomache, like the floor dropped out from under me, like I needed him to repeat that statement although I really didn't want to hear it again. I just nodded my head as I listened to them tell me all the medical jargon and tried to pay attention....what it boiled down to was that her lungs were not ready....she had needed a little more time in the womb before she made her entry. They told me that I could come to the NICU at anytime (except during shift changes) to be with her, and so I did just that. I got use to scrubbing my hands and arms for 5 minutes several times each day as I would visit my baby. I would walk, or hobble, down to the NICU in the middle of the night; because I was so lonely in the hospital without my baby in my room. NPayne stayed with me as often as he could, but we had 3 other children at home; and we wanted to keep things as "normal" for them as possible. That first night.....I sobbed and sobbed and prayed and prayed. I didn't sleep at all. I needed to be with my baby, so I spent my time in the NICU.....caressing my baby and watching her chest go up and down as she struggled to breathe. I saw many other parents, caressing their babies and some of them crying, none of the babies could be held! I saw the tiniest baby I've ever seen....I remember her name was Trinity, and she had already been in the NICU for several weeks. She was always covered up, but one time they moved the curtain (when her mother was there); and I saw her. I couldn't belive she was so very tiny, and I couldn't believe that she was real. I remember thinking how hard that would be...having a baby in NICU for all those months while trying to work and care for your other children. I remember meeting her mother and getting such a feeling of peace from her, although she still had not held her baby and would not hold her for many more weeks, she was at peace; and although we never discussed it....I knew it was God. I remember thanking God for Trinity's precious life, and although they had a very long road ahead of them; I just knew she would make it. I stayed in the hospital until midnight of the day I had to leave....they allow mothers who have NICU babies to stay until midnight, and I did. It was such a lonely feeling.....coming home from the hospital and leaving my baby there, but I was so thankful that she was still here. I still woke up every few hours to begin to pump, so that when she was ready to eat; I would have milk for her. I would deliver my contribution to the little NICU refrigerator everytime I visited her. Eventually they did start feeding her by using a syringe to squirt a little in, the side of her cheek, at a time to prevent her from choking. The NICU nurses were some of the kindest and gentlest people I had ever met....the loved my baby, they prayed for my baby, and they held my hand while they explained everything that they was being done to help her get better. We didn't name Bryna right away, because although we had narrowed down the names; we hadn't decided. The NICU nursers kept asking me...."What is her name? We want to call her by name." Before I left the hospital, NPayne and I asked the other children what name they liked; and they all said Bryna. I knew Mae would be her middle name, since that was the middle name of NPayne's grandmother and my grandmother. I will have to admit...Bryna was not my first choice,but it was and is perfect for her. It means "Strong One" or "Hope"....how perfect for my sweet little NICU girl. Although Bryna was not in the NICU very long, it seemed like forever. It was almost RSV season, so Addi (she was 6 at the time) was the only sibling who was allowed to go into the NICU; and she only got to see her one time. I remember that I didn't have the swarm of visitors, that I had had when the other 3 were born, and there were no flowers or plants delivered. I remember that my pastor came and prayed with us, and I remember that NPayne and I were so blessed to have a NICU nurse who also happened to be a chaplain pray over her as we all held hands. After they took out all the intubation tubes and decided that she was able to breathe on her own, I was able to nurse her in the NICU. I remember being thrilled to be able use the hospital breast pump, because it was high tech and super duper fast and easy. I remember looking at my 7 pound baby in the incubator and laughing with the nurses as we joked about her being the giant of the NICU. I remember being thankful that she was so big and WAS the giant of the NICU! I remember waiting for her jaundice to clear up, going to have our infant carseat checked out, and watching the mandatory video of how to care for a preemie. I remember many other families leaving before us and watching new families come in, and I remember finally leaving the NICU; and Trinity was still there. I remember crying on the shoulder of my OB, and him telling me that he was so sorry. I remember my pediatrician coming to check on her....although she was not a NICU doctor....just because she is devoted to my family, and I remember being so thankful for both of these doctors. I remember being exhausted! I remember being overwhelmed by the generosity of our family and friends who brought us meal after meal after meal....who prayed for us.....who entertained our other 3 children, so NPayne and I could visit Bryna together. I remember that I couldn't drive fast enough or walk fast enough everytime I would go visit her in the NICU. I remember going to Target to pick up my newborn photos (although she was intubated and in NICU, I still took pictures), and they told me they lost them....I remember crying at the counter and the salesclerk didn't know what to say. I remember NPayne being heartbroken at not being able to care for his baby. But the main thing I remember is being lonely without my baby attached to me, as my other newborns had been, but also feeling such peace at knowing that she was getting a little extra love and prayer before she was sent out into the big ole world. I remember praying constantly and asking God to forgive me for being scared, and I remember Him telling me it was okay to be scared but to know that He was right there with me and B. I know that He was with us every step of the way, and whether she came home to our earthly home or went to her eternal home; He was with us. I remember our NICU nurse telling us she could go home, and I remember we drove from the hospital to church to have a blessing of health poured over her!

Here is B when she was about 4 months old with her mama and daddy.

Here she is when she was 1 playing in the snow!

This is Bryna when she was 3 on Palm Sunday....praying!

This is Bryna NOW....she's a beautiful blessing!

Our Precious Princess!

***Side note****Bryna does suffer from severe asthma, which although the pulminologists don't accredit to her being preemie, I absolutely believe it does. As for Target losing my newborn photos, NPayne bought me a digital camera that year for Christmas!