What Can $10,000 Do? A Whole Heck Of A LOT!

Best Christmas gift ever!!!  What a wonderful blessing!!  We were able to hand out so much to many people in Dallas and Fort Worth, and they were so so grateful.  Thank you all for always continuing to support Drew and her efforts!!

I'm Feeling 22....or 52....basically the same thing!

Today is my birthday. I love birthdays, because I love celebrating the gift of life. I’ve been close to death a few times in my 52 years, and my health is not the best; so I’m super grateful to have another year under my belt. I’ve lost both of my parents, so I know grief and how so very hard it is without parents. I’m not ready for my kids to experience that pain yet, so again I’m so grateful to grow another year older. As I was reflecting on this past year, I thought about the people in my life...and how they have impacted me: the ones who stuck around, the ones who walked away, the ones who filled me up, the ones who hurt my heart, the ones I see often, the ones I miss a lot. I thought about how important people are to me. The ones who hold your hand in the good and the bad, the ones who you forgive and who forgive you, the ones who just listen and let you talk and the ones who you listen to. And then the people who love you with their whole self unconditionally no matter what, and I’m grateful. Authentic, honest relationships are a gift. People who stick by you and love you when you’re hard to love are a gift. Those who walk away....well....maybe they were there to teach you something or so they could learn something from you. Either way, I’m grateful for each of you and what you have brought to my life! Now it's time to eat all the donuts and drink all the coffee!!! Much love to you all!!

There's This Boy...

There's a boy in one of my classes who makes me think of what Neil would have been like as a sophomore.  He's quiet, almost always tardy and some may think he's lazy or doesn't care; but really he's just the epitome of being laid back.  I would guess he doesn't have a lot of interest in school academics, because he doesn't think he will be able to afford to go to college. I would guess his parents work a lot, and he probably does too, so he may be more focused on paying some bills and helping to feed the family.  I would guess he has a really sweet heart and is very kind.  I would guess his sense of humor is wonderful, and he doesn't take things too seriously....even when they are.  I would guess he won't go to college but will end up being pretty successful, but he will have to work triple the time to climb his way up.  I would guess he is gentle and loving and will be a really good husband and father.  Not long ago, I was driving home; and I saw him cross the street.  He was wearing a Guns 'N Roses t-shirt with his long hair blowing in the wind, and he made eye contact with me while I was sitting in my car.  He gave me a slight smile, nod and a little wave; and I waved back.  It makes me smile to see who I think my better half might have been like when he was in high school, because I think this young man has a bright future ahead of him.  And someday a lot of people will see this too.

My Babies

These are my babies, even though they don't look like babies, they're my babies.  They are all amazing people for many of the same reasons and many unique ones too.  A few weeks ago, my smack dab in the middle child, Drew was featured on WFAA Daybreak for a ministry and passion she started to help feed homeless people.  

It was a sweet story, and the reporter did a wonderful job.  When he contacted me, I asked Drew about doing the story.  She thought it was cool at first, but when the time was approaching; she got anxious.  She is very much a "behind the scenes" kinda girl and would never want to draw attention to herself.  I told her to try hard to get outside of her own head and realize that this story wasn't about her, but about something much bigger and that it could bring awareness and maybe more funding/volunteers/donations for something she is so passionate about.  She agreed and did an awesome job.  Many people, including the reporter, mentioned how proud I must be of Drew.  I have thought about this a lot, and I am proud....so proud....I'm proud of my kids for many things, but pride isn't what I feel when it has to do with something we all should be doing:  LOVING PEOPLE and CARING FOR PEOPLE. However, I am very proud of her for working through that anxiety and seeing the bigger picture. When you have an anxiety disorder, it can be very difficult to get past the anxiety enough to see the big picture.  I'm also proud of her for encouraging people, including me, to get involved.  

Social media can portray things in certain ways, and although we are a pretty happy family; we are not perfect.  Our family is not perfect, and I, especially, am so so far from perfect. Neil is not perfect, but he's pretty close 😜.  My kids are not perfect....they aren't.  They argue, they leave dishes in the sink, they forget to do their homework, run out of gas, talk back, get mad at me, get mad at each other, etc. They are not perfect.  They falter just like the rest of us.They have made some bad choices, and I know they may make some more; but in the depths of who they are....they are good, compassionate, kind people.  Life isn't alway easy for them.  They have faced some big big challenges:  mental health, physical health, paying for college, bullying (even still), loss of their grandparents, their mom's (that would be me) physical health challenges, exclusion and more; but they are resilient, strong and humble....and that is something that makes me proud.  In the last year, I've seen them deal with situations in such mature, honest and thoughtful ways; and that makes me proud.   Much of their resilience, strength and goodness is just who they are.  Much of it comes from choices we've made as parents in raising them (Neil is truly a rockstar father), much of it comes from their grandparents, much of it comes from you....our village. So many of you have poured so much into our family and our children; and I could never ever ever tell you how grateful I am for that love and support.  So this post is to tell you that, yes, I am proud of my babies and am grateful for the people they are; but it's also to tell you a great big THANK YOU for encouraging and loving these kids.  Our lives aren't perfect, but right now they're good; and we're having fun living them and are really really grateful.

What A Difference A Year Makes

"Isn't it crazy how we can look back a year ago and realize how much everything has changed?  The amount of people that have left your life, entered and stayed.  The memories you won't forget and the moments you wish you did.  Everything.  It's crazy how all that happened in just one year."

CRAZY HUH?  The other day I was thinking about this time last year and how much things have changed since then.  I was thinking about this time 2 years ago and how much things have changed.  I was thinking about this time 4 years ago and how much things have changed, and 7 years ago and 13 years ago and 28 years ago.  So many things change in such a short time, and yet many things stay the same.  Isn't it funny how we can reflect back on hard things and remember it being so so hard, but also remember it with such love?  That's kinda how I remember things that have changed and people that have left my life.  Many times it's part of the plan, the bigger plan, that we don't see.  Many times it's just the circle of life and natural consequences.  Many times it's due to choices that were made.  However it came about, I always look for something good.  Then there are those who have come into your life for different reasons....hopefully good ones, but sometimes not; and you wonder about these people and what part they will play in the grand scheme of your life.  And of course those who stay, and those are people I'm so thankful to have.  If they stay, it's usually because I want them there; but sometimes out of circumstance.  All of the people, who have left my life, come into my life, and stayed in my life have left an impact on my journey.  Sometimes it was to teach me something, sometimes it was for me to teach them, sometimes it was just to support and love each other and sometimes it was to learn how to handle conflict; but for all of them....I am grateful.

Find Your Something

This is my smack dab in the middle child.  She followed her heart and started a ministry to help feed homeless people.  God spoke to her, and she listened.  A really cool reporter did a story about it.  You can watch it here.  When the reporter, Sean Giggy, asked me how I felt when she first suggested making these bags, I thought about it a bit.  And although I'm really proud of each of my kids for different things (they are really all amazing people), pride isn't what I felt.  I don't really feel "proud" when my kids do things we should all be doing like helping and loving others.  At least not now, that they are all old enough to do this on their own.  I do feel grateful and joyful that she has encouraged so many other people (including me) to get involved in helping and loving in this way.  But mainly what I feel is hope....in the future!  When Sean sent me the link to watch the story, I told him he had done a really good job on the story; and I said "Who knows...maybe she'll raise that million dollars."  After thanking me for allowing him to air it, he replied with "Let's hope."  HOPE...sometimes that's all we have, so keep grasping at it.  And remember you can't do everything, but you can do something.  So find that something.  And if you do wanna help raise a million dollars, click right here.

! ;)

SIBLING BFF's

     A few weeks ago was my 4th child's birthday.  She turned 15.  As I was browsing social media and seeing the posts her sisters had written for her, I realized something....something I had known, but maybe had taken for granted.  They really all adore each other. They each wrote something about their BFF's birthday or how much they love her including inside jokes and lovingly teasing her.  My son came home so very excited to give her the card he had purchased just for her.  As I was thinking about this, I felt so so grateful.  On each birthday, they write something similar yet personal to that particular sibling; because my kids really really really love each other.  They enjoy each other, they have fun together and they really are each others' BFFs.  Of course they fight and get irritated with each other, and from time to time; one may feel left out.  And they often tease about which one is "the favorite". But they are really good at talking about it and making it right, because they are more than siblings....they are friends.  This is what I dreamed about when I was young.  I grew up an only child, so I don't know what it's like to have siblings.  I prayed so hard for a brother when I was a little girl.  My parents tried really hard to make that a reality, but they just couldn't.  My mom couldn't have anymore children because of her RA.  They tried adoption and were very close, and then we had to move for financial reasons; so it fell through.
      We went on a road trip this weekend, and although we do our best to find accommodations where everyone can have an actual bed; we usually don't.  Mainly because it's just too expensive.  So the girls have to compromise on sleeping arrangements.  Cal will always always sleep wherever we tell him to, but he is partial to the fold out couch.  The girls ARE NOT.  Can't say I blame them.  As I was listening to them figure it all out last night and thinking about our weekend spent in close quarters and all the times we've ended up in close quarters while traveling, I couldn't help but smile.  It seems we always laugh a lot when we are the closest (physically).  It was on my 4th child's birthday that it really hit me that what I had dreamed about as a young child was a reality as a grown woman, but I was participating as a coach on the sidelines more than in the actual game.  I get to watch a team stick together and support each other through victories and losses, and it's really the best thing....it really is the best thing.  WOW!

Valuable

I'm going to be honest and not out of a place of self pity or a place of seeking pity, but out of a place that maybe you have been in.  For the last several years, I have really struggled with not feeling valued.  My opinions, my dreams, my efforts in relationships, the strategic planning in being stewards, the family time, the friend time....sometimes it seems taken for granted the most by the people who I'm trying to do these things for.  When I put a lot of effort into something or someone, and that's not fruitful or is ignored; I find myself wondering if maybe I am just not important to them.  I am working 40+ hours/week to earn a living, caring for a house full of people and pets, and strategically planning my schedule so I can be available to spend time with important people in my life.  When my time and efforts aren't valued by others, I find myself feeling like the things I put so much effort into aren't important to anyone but me....so maybe they're just not important at all.  Planning my schedule around events is very important to me, and I do my best to be as considerate as possible by doing this.  Asking for a reply or some help with something is because I need it to get something accomplished.  But oftentimes it's ignored, and I tell myself....we are  just busy...but really nobody is any busier than anyone else.  You prioritize people and events in your life...you choose what keeps you busy.  You choose what's important to you.  You choose who's important to you.  YOU CHOOSE!!  Lately instead of hurt, I've been more irritated by this; and truth be told...I try to convince myself that they are right...these relationships or events or dreams are just not important. When I want to give up on it all....the friendships, the dreams, the plans; I realize that I can't.  It's not who I am.  I'm a people gatherer, people are important to me. And although my attempts to gather may be more unsuccessful than successful, I won't give up.   Although my dreams are only mine, I'll keep dreaming.  Although my efforts and plans are ignored or unnoticed, I'll keep trying and planning.  Tonight as I was thinking about this and how invisible I was feeling, God gently nudged my thoughts with these words..."I SEE YOU!"  I sat up straighter, cleared my head and knew that's really the only one who matters; and I'll keep going.  Because sure I want to be important, but what it boils down is this....I am....to the One who loves the most.

When God Nudges....He Means Business!

People....they are put in your life for a reason.  Do you believe this?  I wonder!  So many people on this planet, and I bet we don't meet a smidgen of them.  I do wonder if people are put in our path for a particular purpose or reason.  Some we will have in our lives forever and some for a very brief moment.  Isn't that strange to think about?  Maybe it's just strange to me.  I have this friend, one I had known for a few years, in a casual kind of way.  Then we became closer when we worked alongside each other a few years ago.  She's funny and kind and gets my weird sense of humor, and she's a red head....BONUS!  When my mom died, it was late on a Monday night.  She called me first thing on Tuesday, and lo and behold I answered the phone.  It was the weirdest thing, because I never answer the phone on a good day but especially not on the day after my mom died.  But for some reason, I saw her name; and I knew I needed to answer.   We didn't really even talk, she just let me cry.  I have thought about those few moments so often, and how much I needed those few moments to get through the next few days...weeks...years, and how brave she was for calling me.  I have cried many more times about my mama, but for some reason; I always remember those few moments and how I felt immediately after, like I was brave too.  Not too long ago, her daddy died; and I have thought about that a lot.  What could I do for her that would even compare to what she did for me....in those few moments of that phone call?  We've had coffee/breakfast and text and chatted here and there, and we have talked about her daddy.  But I hadn't really offered her anything, because nothing seemed right.  A few weeks ago, God told me exactly what to do....He nudged me to buy her a hanky.  I love hankies and all types of linens, so I was happy about to oblige. I had a feeling she would appreciate the gift, because hankies are lovely.  I chose a yellow one, because yellow is a cheerful color but mostly because it's her favorite.  It wasn't until I started to write in the card that I realized what God wanted me to do....to be honest. So I shared some of the things I experienced when losing my parents:  firsts are hard (especially holidays), there's going to be a big piece of your heart that is just gone forever,  it's OKAY TO CRY like just randomly sometimes and life does go on but it's different.  Grief is a different for everyone, but one thing I think is kinda the same for most is....it doesn't go away....you learn to live with it, but it's always there.
After she received the hanky and card, she emailed me.  She didn't call, because she knew she would cry (and probably that I would too).  She told me how her dad always carried a handkerchief, how she could picture him pulling it out of his jeans, and how the only thing she asked her mom for was one of his handkerchiefs....she keeps it in her drawer with his scent still on it.  When I read her reply, I was overwhelmed with what God had done.   How great is our God?  The way He nudges us towards something that we may not understand, but He knows will be so meaningful to that one person but in such a way that maybe she will feel a little peace.  I'm so grateful that she was brave enough to listen to God's nudge that day she called me and let me cry, and I'm grateful that He nudged me to be a small part of her peace; and that I was brave enough to listen.  It's not about you or me, it's about Him.  Let Him use you, and you will see His goodness.

September 28th.....The Best Day of 2003!!

Happy 15th Birthday Bryna Mae Payne, B-Nut! Bryna, Bryna, Bryna...my wild, messy, passionate, joyful, very TALL and only extrovert. You’re just a joy to watch in all you do. If it wasn’t for watching you sit for hours teaching yourself how to play the guitar when you were 8, I would have sworn you were not capable of sitting still....like ever! I always tease you about being messy and unorganized, but when it comes to things you’re passionate about; that is definitely not the case. You are driven, disciplined and give it 110%! Your great big cheeky smile, that makes your eyes squint, makes my heart so happy. You’re an overcomer, a problem solver and a really good listener. You push us all outside our comfort zone, and for that I am very very thankful. I cannot wait to watch you continue to make the world a better place. Keep singing and dancing your way through life, it makes people smile! One of your God given gifts is making people smile!! I’ll admit that you can wear me out and are completely exhausting, but I wouldn’t have it any other way! You’re my heart, and I adore you! Thank you for telling me you love me every single day and still knowing when I need a hug.

Our Stories

I often find myself trying to figure things out....some of little importance and some of great importance.  Of course I guess the "importance" part would vary depending on who is trying to figure these things out.  I'm an observer, and yes I'll admit I eavesdrop a lot, but it's not usually intentional....but if someone is talking really loudly beside me....well I'm gonna listen. So consider yourself warned.  I've been teaching in high school for five weeks now, and y'all I could write a book on the ins and outs, comings and goings, relationships, all the things really.  I'm definitely not in preschool anymore. 😜There are certain students who are a complete mystery to me, yet I've created their story in my head just by observing.  Then there are students who leave nothing to the imagination, but...as we know, not everything is always as it seems; so again I've created their story in my head.  I'm not always detail oriented, but then again sometimes I am over the top with details.  For example, photographs...I usually pay close attention to the details surrounding the subject, however sometimes I don't notice if the subject's necklace is crooked, they have lipstick on their teeth or toilet paper on their shoe.  When I'm hanging something on the wall, I rarely measure it out perfectly; I'm more likely to eyeball it, hammer in a nail and go for it. I like to think of things like this as more "organic". 😉  If a person is extremely kind and accepting, I don't usually question that.  However if a person seems belligerent, judgmental or gossipy (especially to someone I love); I often wonder why and form all kinds of detail oriented scenarios in my head.  But I've realized, especially lately, that we just don't know everyone's story; and to keep from jumping to conclusions....sometimes you just have to let it be....even if they are trying to put you in a story you don't want to be in.  Realizing that you may not know their story means they probably don't know yours.  It seems that behaviors that are directed specifically towards you may not even be about you, but more likely about the  them.  There are so many things that I don't understand (politics, anger, racism, religion), and I bet you don't either.  Instead of being in a state of constant dismay and confusion over someone else's actions, remember you may not know all the details and simply move on.  It really is that simple. You know who you are! If you don't, it might be a good time to do some soul searching and try to figure out your own personal story.  I've spent the last few years figuring out my story.  Outside circumstances have changed my story, but the one thing I've figured out is who I am in each part of my story.  I mess this up a lot and find myself jumping to conclusions, but I know who I am in every detail.  This is what always brings me back to what I can control....my actions and reactions and realizing most things aren't even about me but about them trying to figure out who they are in this part of their story.  So maybe we need to focus more on what know....kindness and love are some of the best details in all of our stories.

Blame

A little rant coming, so stop here if you don't want to read a rant.  

I don't understand why people can't take responsibility for their own actions.  Why?  Why must others take the blame for things?  Why must excuses be made?  Why can't people, especially adults who are suppose to know better, own up to their bad decisions and mistakes?  This is a big part of why I became so uninterested in politics, the news, social media, etc.  It seems like there's so much blame for things, and nobody willing to ever say...."I was wrong!" Or "I made a mistake!" Or "I'm sorry!"  Being "right" is not that great if you really deep down inside know you're wrong.  For me personally, if I don't own it; then I had no part in it.  I use to accept blame for things to keep peace, and because I do not like confrontation....even if I had no part in whatever it was.  As I've gotten older and in the last few years especially, I've decided I'm done with that.  If I make a mistake, I'm going to own it.  I'm going to apologize.  If I didn't, I'm not!  Letting yourself be blamed for something you had no part in is an act of self loathing, and y'all....NO MORE!  If you do this, stop it.  If you think it's the only way to keep peace or maintain a relationship, maybe that relationship is not one that's meant to be?  Letting this go and these relationships go has been very very freeing and made me realize that I am worth more.  You are too.

All Good Things Must Come To An End

"All Good Things Must Come To An End".  What do you think about that saying?  Do you agree with it?  I don't really know what I think about this.  In my lifetime, I've had some good things that have ended; but have they really?  My parents both died, and those were really good parts of my life....wonderful parts; but did it really end?  They are still a huge part of me every single day.  Some really good relationships have ended too, but I discovered that they weren't all really that good; or they haven't really ended....just paused.  I've ended some good jobs and some good seasons of life, but are they really over?  They've helped shape me, and I've met some of the greatest people I know at those jobs and in those seasons.  I wonder if some seasons ended, or if I just outgrew them?  I don't really know.  I feel like the things that are really good....even if they are no longer....did not really end, because I took away something meaningful and special that I still hold close to my heart.  However some endings are painful and brutal and not your decision, so maybe those situations are really endings.  I guess "SOME Good Things Must Come To An End", but definitely not all.

The Book I Am Writing

I've been reading a lot lately.  I love to read.  The books I've been reading are love stories.  The one I just finished is going to stick with me....it was tragic!  TRAGIC!!!  Tragic love stories are not books I read or movies I watch, because tragic is hard.  I feel that to my bones.  I'm 110% empath, and I feel other people's pain (even made up characters) but especially people I know deep deep in my heart and soul.  I started writing a book last year about real life LOVE stories, and reading these books has definitely lit a fire in me to continue.  It's been on hold for quite a while now.  I decided, when I started the book, that it wouldn't be rushed; and if it took me a very long time to finish it....then so be it.   I'm waiting for the right story to end it with, but I haven't found it yet.  When I do, it will be time to finish it.  If you have a love story to share with me, I would be honored to sit down with you and hear all about it.

"Jesus Loves You"

So there's this group of people who spend Saturdays and Sundays caring for homeless people in our cities.  A few weeks ago, I went to help on a Sunday.  There is food, clothing, fellowship and a message about how much Jesus loves us.  I was listening to the pastor while I was handing out food, and he was talking about how God had changed his life.  How he use to be harder and not so loving, then he suffered a terrible tragedy; and the only way he survived it was through the love of Jesus.  He became gentle and full of love.  One of the examples he gave was about how he use to get really angry while driving, but how now he doesn't get angry.  Instead of saying something profane when getting cut off in traffic, he says "Jesus loves you".  I get easily irritated while driving as well, so I decided to give this a try.  I've been saying "Jesus loves you" nearly every time I'm in the car, and let me tell you....it has made a huge difference in my attitude and irritability.  So maybe try something like this when you're feeling cranky or irritated or out of sorts and see if it works for you too.

September 3rd!!! The Best Day of 2006!!!

Happy 12th Birthday ElliCinderelliWithABellyFullofJelly!!! Elliot Ann Payne, 

the best surprise we've ever received. Elliot meaning 

"Jehovah is God" or "Praise God", and Ann meaning "Grace" or "Favor". Truly my angel sent for helping heal my heart after my dad died and reminding me of him every time I look in your eyes. God is so clever!! You are the most amazing person, who has done so much good, in just a short time you've been here. Elli, you are truly a bright light that shines in the darkest days and in the brightest days. Kind, forgiving, loving to all and the sweetest soul....who always puts other people first. My girl, who can throw down to some rap music, and lip sync like a boss and who is the funniest person I know (besides maybe your dad). Thank you for still going along with most of my shenanigans and laughing with me or at me (it's basically the same thing 😂). We are so so fortunate to get to spend our lives calling you our sister and daughter. I cannot wait to see where God leads you, because I know you will follow Him. You definitely make life more fun!! I adore you E!! You're my heart!! 

 

Church

I've been thinking a lot about church lately and what exactly it means to me.  Let me start with this definition by Merriam Webster:

Definition of church

1: a building for public and especially Christian worship 

2: the clergy or officialdom of a religious body 

• the word church … is put for the persons that are ordained for the ministry of the Gospel, that is to say, the clergy
•  —J. Ayliffe

3often capitalized : a body or organization of religious believers: such as 

a : the whole body of Christians 

• the one church is the whole body gathered together from all ages
•  —J. H. Newman

b : denomination 

• the Presbyterian church

c : congregation

• they had appointed elders for them in every church
•  —Acts 14:23 (Revised Standard Version)

4: a public divine worship  

• goes to church every Sunday

5: the clerical profession  

• considered the church as a possible career

From the start of my life, the church has always been more than just "a building" to me.  I longed for a church I could call home from the time I was very young.  I never really felt comfortable or accepted in church.  Maybe that's because of my upbringing and the church I attended? Maybe it's because my mama never felt accepted in church?  I'm not really sure the reason, I just know what I felt.  I've attended the same church for 20+years with my family. It's definitely been a second home to my family, and I've made some of my best friends in that entity.  It's weird though, because I have felt less like I belong with each passing year.  It's not really the church I attend, that I don't feel like I belong, as much as it is the church in general.  Actually I think it's more of a restlessness that I feel.  There's no perfect person, so there's no perfect church or religion or pastor or rabi or priest or lay leader.  When I find myself in a state of restlessness or feeling like an outcast (not by any person but myself), I feel like God is stirring something in me.  I use to think I was a really settled person, but as I've grown older and experienced more; I've realized that I'm not.  Sure I am thankful for a home, a family and friends to help keep life full and stable.  But I've discovered that a lot of my restlessness comes from my longing for adventure.  The longer you stay in one place, the more likely it is you're going to be disappointed by someone or something.  Disappointment is part of life and running away isn't the answer, but I also think a fresh start or a new adventure can be a real good thing....even if you haven't been disappointed.   It sounds nice to be someplace new and learn about the things there and then move on to another place.  It's freeing and sounds just lovely.  God lead us...all of us!

I Love You My Friend!

One morning on the train in Chicago, I was people watching; because that’s what I do. Studying people, because nobody was really talking; so I couldn’t eavesdrop. 😉😂 I was looking at all the different faces thinking...isn’t it simply the most flabbergasting thing to think of all the people you will see one time in your entire life and never see again? Seriously think about that...so many lovely and interesting people that we only see once and maybe never even speak to.  Think of what you could be missing and what they could be missing in you.  They have purpose, they have worth, they have love; and so do you!

As the week went on, I studied people everywhere we went. I saw some kindness and some unkindness. I saw some quiet people, loud people and all in between. I saw a lot of people without much.  Some with smiles and joy and some without. I always wonder about their journey. I wonder how someone with no place to go, no food to eat, nothing but the few things in the plastic bag beside them can be smiling so big.  And I wonder about those who don't smile or make any eye contact.  I wonder about the one who holds the sign that says "Homeless and Ashamed" and the one who shakes his cup full of rocks to make it sound like it is full of change.  I wonder about the ones who have animals.  I wonder about the ones who don't.  And then I wonder about the people who pass by, the ones who I saw cruelly making fun or teasing the people who are trying to make a few bucks.  What journey are they on?  It doesn't seem any better than the one who is "Homeless and Ashamed".  We are all children of God. He loves us all the same.  The ones in need, the ones ashamed, the ones who are cruel, the ones who smile, the ones who don't.  If we could just remember that we look different on the outside, but we are mostly the same on the inside; I think things might be better.  

GIVE IT TO ME

Sometimes you have to make a choice, that you don't want to make, because you don't have any other choice.  Honestly it is terrible, especially when it effects your family and people you care about.  I've had to do that recently, and it hurt my heart so much....still does.  I'm learning that it seems to be leading to a few other choices, that I don't want to make, because they seem to be the only appropriate choices.  I've been praying about this pretty regularly, and I feel like God is saying:
GIVE IT TO ME!! GIVE IT TO ME!!  So I'm trying so hard to do that, but I'll be honest when I say I'm fearful and a little a lot controlling.  I hear myself saying these types of things to God:
"So I really know what's best here, let me handle this my way."
"They don't understand, so just let me explain it."
"Let me clear things up with a few folks, and set them straight while I'm at it."
"If you just let me do/say this one thing, I promise you can take it from there."
"Listen....this is effecting my family, and I think I know what's best for them."
"My heart really hurts, I'm really angry, and I feel very wronged; so what are You gonna do about that?"
But still He says, GIVE IT TO ME!  So I'm getting closer, but I haven't relinquished it completely.  We are about to leave town for 9 days, and I hope not to think about this once (insert sarcasm here); but I know that's not true.  I think one of the things that is the most difficult is knowing that other choices have to be made as a result, and they're not favorable either. I feel like they're ones that have to be made, and God keeps saying GIVE IT TO ME!  So God I'm trying, I just want You to know I'm really trying.

Quiet

I'm going to be an empty nester soon, sorta.  All of my babes will be in school pretty much all day next year, homeschooling has ended for us....at least for now; so there's not really a reason for me to stay home anymore.  I also feel like it's time I contribute more financially to our family.  This is a total me thing, not a Neil thing.  He would be okay with whatever I decided to do.  I decided I really missed being part of a community in a work environment as well.  The places, where I taught school or served as an administrator, in the past are where I made some of my best friends in the world.  I miss that type of community.  So I applied for several jobs in the field of education, and guess what?  I got called in for a bunch of interviews....a bunch! It was kinda cool and kinda intimidating.  I lost out on one, never got called back for one and was offered a few....which meant I had to choose.  Through the whole process, I felt certain that God would lead me where I was suppose to end up.  Many of the interviewees asked me the same types of questions, and they all started with...."Tell us about yourself" and then went from there.  The question I always dread is the one where they ask you your weaknesses or areas that you need to improve upon.  I don't dread it, because I think I don't have weaknesses or have areas of improvement.  I dread it, because I feel like this is could be a "make it or break it" answer.  The night before my first interview, I asked Neil if he asks prospective employees this question and what he thought the worst answer would be.  Then I prayed about it for a long time, and I heard God say....Just Be Honest, so I was.  My second interview, was the most challenging.  The questions seemed a little more in-depth, and I was a little more intimidated than in the others.  This was partly due to the fact that it was for a position in which I have never worked before....high school special education.  I was a kindergarten teacher forever....5 year olds and 16 year olds are very different!!  I have no "official" training or education in this area, but I have 19 years of life experience raising a special needs son.  One of the interviewees asked me that dreaded question....What do you think are some of your weaknesses?  And although I don't particularly feel like being a quiet person is a weakness, I know that many people do.  In fact, I was reprimanded in a previous job for being a quiet person, so that was one of my answers to this question in every interview.  However this was the only interview where the interviewee looked me directly in the eye and said, "I don't think being quiet is a weakness"; and then he smiled at me.  So needless to say, that's the job I accepted.  I'm so grateful for this new challenge, where I feel like I'll fit like a glove, and be able to offer so much of myself....being quiet and all.

You Do You

You know how sometimes something that's been really hard pushes you to do something unexpected, in a good way?  Well maybe you don't, but this has happened to me a few times in my 51 years of life.  Tonight was one of those.  I was listening to our youth pastor give a message when it occurred to me....that I put way too much energy into what other people think of me.  This isn't really a surprise to me, because I've known this for a very very long time; and it's a struggle.  Now this next part might sound kinda harsh....but I found myself thinking....I don't care what people think!  I know I'm a good person, with a good heart who tries to do the right thing for every single person I meet,  which can be very challenging sometimes.  I'm an empath, so I feel people's hurts so so hard.  It often leaves me feeling like a failure, because you just can't please every single person in the world.  But let me tell you how often I have tried to do that. Not every single person is going to be happy every minute of every day as much as you want them to.  Life is hard!!  This can also leave me feeling unworthy, insecure and very lonely; because hurt and sadness....even other people's....can be very isolating.  But tonight I felt this release and some tension leave my body, and I thought to myself....you are worthy and good and loved, and the only thoughts that matter are Jesus's; and He adores you.  So go on and keep doing you, because Jesus knows where you're coming from.  And then I thought, I hope this sticks for a while.

Nobody To Listen....

Lately, it seems like everybody is talking and nobody is listening.  I have a lot to say, and I know many of you do too; but I haven't felt like anyone is really listening.  Everyone has their own agenda, and I'm including myself here too.  But I have this longing feeling for some quiet....for some seeing and hearing....deep meaningful seeing and hearing.  I feel like my words are lost on many and that much of what I would like to say would be taken the wrong way, misinterpreted, taken out of context or just ignored.  There's so much going through my brain that I have been feeling a bit frozen. It's like I have so many things to say that I can't even get started.  I'll admit that fear, uncertainty and disappointment has been a big thing for me lately; and I'm really trying to get past those things.  I've also been hurt and confused, and all these things have left my brain & heart in a tizzy.  Some of these feelings I have definitely felt for myself, but I have also felt them deeply for others; and I feel things really hard whether it's good or not so good.  I've been missing people a lot lately too....some who have passed, some who I don't see much and some who I have lost contact with. I like to think of myself as an optimist, and I look for something to be grateful for every day and always always find many things; but really I may be just the opposite....a pessimist and that's disappointing to me too.  I've been having a hard time seeing the good in the world, so when I do....I rejoice often through tears and thanksgiving.  Still....here I sit, reading, writing, contemplating wishing many things were different, many were the way they use to be and many were the same.  I know that God's plan and timing is great, and I trust Him.  I'm praying for our world to be the way He intended....whatever that may be.

Waiting Is Hard

So many things have changed just in the last few days, and my head is reeling in it.  Some positive....some negative....some indifferent.  Change is hard for me, almost always, but I know that it  oftentimes has to happen.  It doesn't mean I like it.  A few years ago, I felt a very strong calling for us to move.  We didn't.  I was the only one who felt that calling or maybe who listened to it.  Either way, I can't move by myself.  As things have occurred over the last few years, it has been evident to me that we should have obeyed.  Feeling ungrounded and like you don't belong somewhere is an extremely difficult feeling to navigate.  I have wonderful people in my life right here, but that doesn't mean that God wants me/us here.  Oftentimes, most of the time, He calls us to the uncomfortable or difficult.  It would have been an adjustment for us all, but I still think it is what we were/are suppose to do.  In a way, I feel like I've disappointed God for not obeying.  I've read a lot about obeying a calling.  Does God call you to something and not call your people? I kinda think He might, and part of the calling is for me to convince them to obey.  Obviously, I didn't do so good on that part; because here we are.  Then I wondered if it was really a calling from God or just my own strong will, but so many things have indicated that it was and still is a calling from God.  Does God want you to obey even if it means disappointing your family or leaving them behind?  I just can't grasp that He does.  I've read a lot about this over the last few years.  There are many things, in The Bible, to support leaving everything behind including your family; but there are many that don't.  I started praying that God would put Neil and I on the same path, in this calling, but so far He hasn't.  This makes me wonder even more if it's my will, Neil's will or God's. Our lives are good, our family is good, our friends are good, most everything is good; but there are things that are a direct result in our disobedience to follow.  So for now, I will still wait and pray for God to put us on the same path.  It's truly one of the most difficult things for me to do....WAIT....especially when I KNOW deep in my heart that we don't belong here.  We are called to something much greater, much simpler, to bring us much closer to each other and to Jesus!

How Can You Love Your Neighbor If You Aren't Sure How To Love Yourself?

"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: "`Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' And the second is like it: `Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." Matthew 22:36-40!  

This has been on my mind constantly. We’ve recently discussed this in my SS class, I’ve read it on social media, I’ve heard it mentioned a lot lately. Yet I wondered...about the part that says “Love your neighbor as yourself”, what about all those who find it difficult to “love yourself”.

How can you “love your neighbor” or anyone well, if you don’t love yourself? So I did some research, and this is what I found.

 

An article written by Danielle Bernock from Crosswalk describes it like this: 

Loving your neighbor as yourself is found eight times in the Bible. Not once. Not twice. Eight times. Loving your neighbor as yourself is so important to God that He not only repeats Himself, He makes it a command. And not just one in a list of many commands. Jesus coupled the command to love your neighbor as yourself with loving God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength. 

James calls it the royal law. It sounds beautiful, and it is when we obey it.

But loving your neighbor as yourself isn’t always easy. That’s why God made it a command. He knew we’d struggle. Making it a command is actually to our benefit. How is that? We have to do it on purpose, be intentional about it. Sometimes even out of our need. 

This is what it means to love your neighbor as yourself:

Photo courtesy: ©Thinkstock/JacobAmmentorpLund

1. Loving your neighbor means receiving God's love.

Too begin to love your neighbor as yourself, you need to know two things: you need to know what love is and that you are loved. 

The Bible tells us “this is love. Not that we loved God but that He loved us and sent his Son as a propitiation…” (1 John 4:10). You are the object of this love. God loves you. Knowing this is imperative. And not just loved in a general kind of way, but deeply loved and unconditionally loved. We tap into this when we understand that God loved us first. He’s the source of our love. God loved us even before Jesus gave Himself for us. God the Father is the source of all love. Before we can give this love we need to receive it for ourselves. You can’t give what you don’t have.

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2. Loving your neighbor means loving ourselves as well.

To love your neighbor as yourself as commanded, you need to measure correctly. The measurement within this command is—as yourself. To love your neighbor as yourself you need to love yourself. This is something that gets misunderstood in the body of Christ often. It gets mixed up with dying to self and denying self as if we need to destroy our self. This is not true. 

Jesus died for each and every one of us. If Jesus valued us enough to go through what He went through, we owe it to Him to value what He values. We need to love what He loves – us. The Bible even tells us that the Father loves us as much as He loves Jesus (John 17:23). How dare we not love what the Father loves. Learning to love ourselves prepares and helps us to love our neighbor.  

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3. Loving your neighbor means showing grace.

Knowing God is love and that this love is for you is not enough. It needs to be developed. Imagine if you had a field of good soil and a bag of top notch seeds. Would they produce a crop all by themselves? No. The seeds must be planted and cared for. Grace takes the seed of His love and the soil of our heart and creates fruit for the kingdom of God. 

The Bible says, “it’s God who works in us both to will and to do of His good pleasure” (Philippians 2.13). Loving Him and our neighbor pleases Him. Grace helps us do this. Grace teaches us proper love and respect for ourselves and for our neighbor. Freely receiving His grace empowers us to freely give it. 

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4. Loving your neighbor means acting with compassion.

When Jesus was asked, “Who is my neighbor?” He responded with a story: the Good Samaritan. Even those who have no love for God see the value of the story. What is the bottom line of this story? Who did Jesus say was being a neighbor? The one who had compassion. 

Compassion is not simply a warm fuzzy feeling in our hearts. Compassion does something. A heart that’s moved by compassion cannot sit idly by while someone suffers a need. Loving your neighbor as yourself is being moved to help to the full extent of your ability. 

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5. Loving your neighbor means looking out for their wellbeing.

The NIV translation of 1 Corinthians 13 says, “love protects.”In Philippians 2:4 it says, “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” Loving your neighbor as yourself is to look out for other people’s wellbeing. 

To look out for them is to pay attention. You notice if they need something and then you help. For example, their clothing tag is sticking out or they have food on their face so you let them know. Or something more serious like when my neighbor’s toddler got out and crossed the street. Concerned for his safety, I headed over there. I was almost there when the grandma came out to intercept him and thanked me.

Photo courtesy: @Thinkstock/AntonioGuillem

6. Loving your neighbor means serving them.

Serving from the heart is kindness in action. Kindness is one of the attributes of love listed in 1 Corinthians 13. The funny thing about kindness, though, is you can do acts of kindness without kindness residing in your heart. If the kind thing is done out of duty then it isn’t love. 

Jesus said he came to serve (Matthew 20:28). God, who is love, came to serve. Love serves. For you to love your neighbor as yourself, you’ll have a heart to serve them. Let them know you’re there for them. If they need a ride somewhere, you drive them. If they need their dog or cat checked on while they’re out of town, you do that for them. Other examples are getting their mail for them or taking them a meal if they’re not well. Examples in a public setting are to let people in front of you in line at the store or in traffic.

Photo courtesy: ©Thinkstock/David Sacks

7. Loving your neighbor means speaking kindly.

The childhood rhyme about stick and stones versus words is not true. Words build up or tear down. God created the world using words. The Bible says Jesus IS the Word (John 1:1). 

To love your neighbor as yourself is to use words to build them up. Speaking words of encouragement to someone who’s down is the most obvious example but there are others. We can be more intentional with our words by looking for and magnifying the good. We can always find something good if we’ll take the time to look for it. Examples of this are giving someone a compliment and telling someone you appreciate them. 

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8. Loving your neighbor means making allowances for other people's humanity.

We live in a day and age when offense is as common as breathing. Criticism is running rampant. Love is not easily offended or critical. Everyone does dumb things; no one is always right or knows everything. We’re all a work in progress. 

I remember sitting through a green light. I wasn’t trying to inconvenience anyone. I got stuck in grieving daze because a family member died. I remember that when I encounter people driving too slow, sitting at lights, or even cutting me off. Maybe they have a reason. Maybe they’re just being human. We’re imperfect beings that do dumb things often. 

Giving people the benefit of the doubt is loving your neighbor. For example, I had a lady flailing her arms and cursing because I didn’t go through an almost red light. She was behind me so got stuck at the red light with me. I don’t know why she was so angry but she may have had other circumstances surrounding her that day. I prayed for her.

9. Loving your neighbor means sharing in their joys and sorrows.

The Bible says we are to “rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15). 

Celebrating can be difficult for us at times, especially if our neighbor is getting something we have longed for. For example, a new job, a raise, or a pregnancy. Celebrating with them in spite of our own pain is a strong show of love. 

Likewise. mourning with our neighbor can be hard if we don’t know what to say, or have recently lost something or someone ourselves. Loving your neighbor as yourself is showing up and being there with your heart open, allowing them to be what they are and support them.

10. Loving your neighbor means forgiving.

Forgiveness is a big deal to God. The Bible says He planned it for us from the foundation of the world (Ephesians 1:4). Jesus frequently spoke forgiveness over others that resulted in the healing of their bodies. 

Forgiveness is freely given to us and to love your neighbor as yourself you’ll pass the forgiveness on. Jesus highlighted this in His story in Matthew 18 when Peter asks how many times is he to forgive. He tells the story of a king who forgave an enormous debt to one of his servants. This servant failed to pass the forgiveness on. He demanded payment of a small debt from his neighbor. When the king heard of it, he had his servant remanded for his debt, revoking the debt cancellation. Jesus’ story tells us that love always forgives.

We all need forgiveness, so loving your neighbor is to forgive them as you have been.

And this came from Gotquestions.org:

"Question: "What does it mean to love your neighbor as you love yourself?"

Answer: An expert in the law tried to test the Lord Jesus by asking Him to declare what was the greatest commandment in the Law of Moses. In one masterful statement, Jesus condensed the entire law that God had given Moses: “You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets” (Matthew 22:37–40).

When we read the Ten Commandments in Exodus 20, we are struck with the realization that they focus on these two issues. Certainly we are to love God supremely. But what does it mean to love our neighbor as ourselves?

Jesus is quoting here from Leviticus 19. Let’s look at its context:

“When you reap the harvest of your land, you shall not wholly reap the corners of your field, nor shall you gather the gleanings of your harvest. And you shall not glean your vineyard, nor shall you gather every grape of your vineyard; you shall leave them for the poor and the stranger: I am the LORD your God. You shall not steal, nor deal falsely, nor lie to one another. And you shall not swear by My name falsely, nor shall you profane the name of your God: I am the LORD. You shall not cheat your neighbor, nor rob him. The wages of him who is hired shall not remain with you all night until morning. You shall not curse the deaf, nor put a stumbling block before the blind, but shall fear your God: I am the LORD. You shall do no injustice in judgment. You shall not be partial to the poor, nor honor the person of the mighty. In righteousness you shall judge your neighbor. You shall not go about as a talebearer among your people; nor shall you take a stand against the life of your neighbor: I am the LORD. You shall not hate your brother in your heart. You shall surely rebuke your neighbor, and not bear sin because of him. You shall not take vengeance, nor bear any grudge against the children of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the LORD” (Leviticus 19:9–18).

Notice that loving our neighbor would include sharing with the poor and the alien; compassion and absolute honesty and justice in our relationships with others; impartiality; a refusal to be a party to gossip or slander; an absence of malice toward anyone and a refusal to bear a grudge; taking care never to put another’s life at risk and never taking private vengeance upon another. It is also interesting to note that when we have an issue with anyone, we should strive to make it right by going to him or her directly. James calls this the “royal law” (James 2:8). Our Lord taught that we should do to others as we would have them do to us (Matthew 7:12).

It is a fact that anyone who does not have a personal relationship with God through the Lord Jesus Christ will die in his sins and face eternity in hell. Therefore, we owe it to our neighbors to lovingly share with them the good news of the gospel. True believers have been forgiven, possess eternal life, and have blessings forever as the result of others who have shared the gospel with them. God’s love is evidenced in us as we communicate this precious gospel and love others as we have been loved."

I read several other articles regarding "loving yourself" and how it impacts "loving your neighbor".  What I took away from them was that Jesus loves us all equally and enough, and the commandment is really about trying to love people the way Jesus does, including yourself.  Of course we, as humans, can not fully do this; but I think a very important part of the commandment is to remember that He loves us all....every one of us....even those who might be hard to love, including ourselves sometimes.  I also feel like a very important part of the commandment is reiterating that we are loved, and that accepting this love is part of the greatest commandment....even when we don't feel like we are worthy.  Jesus loves us....everyone!