I'm Sad

I know this isn't about me, believe me I know that.... but because I can't even imagine what my sweet friend is suffering....I'm going to share some things I've experienced over the last week. There are a multitude of emotions coming and going at every blessed minute....one minute....I'm crying tears of joy at listening to Shiloh's daddy praise God and pray such prayers of thanks during the most difficult time of his life. Another minute....I'm crying tears of pain as I listen to him tell me why they chose the name Shiloh (1Samuel 1:20-28)....because my friend longed for that baby, and she wanted to be able to experience an earthly life with him and teach him about our Savior. Another minute....I'm laughing with my other lifelong friends as we trudged through the rain and cold to McDonalds to eat, after I had stated that I was anti-McDonalds....I think they thought it was humorous that there was no other place to find food. Another minute....I'm sitting with my heart pounding so hard and my eyes wide, just like a child at Christmas, waiting to hear a report from a doctor. Another minute....I'm feeling so very blessed as I take my sweet little Elli out of her crib, and she hugs me tight; because I have been given the chance to hold her again. Another minute....I'm saddened that Cal thought I was the one in the hospital, and that he thought I was the one who was sick. Another minute....I'm crying tears of such a deep sadness that I feel like my heart might explode, because I can only imagine how my friend will be heartbroken when she really understands that she has been transported to another hospital (with neurological doctors) and her baby boy is not with her. Another minute....I am able to stop holding my breath as we receive updates on her condition and that she is stabilizing and improving. Another minute....I am crying tears of thanksgiving for my friends, oh so many friends, who have offered up assistance and prayers. At the end of the day....my heart is broken, not like it has ever been before, and I am so saddened that there are no words to express this; but I am so thankful to God for growing my friend and her sweet husband in relationship with Him....for knowing Him and trusting Him even in uncertain times.
Last week when she asked for prayers due to some complications in her pregnancy....I remember thinking and talking out loud to God (while I was in my car), and I was telling Him...warning Him, maybe even threatening Him...that I was going to really be MAD at Him (for the first time in my life) if things didn't go the way I wanted. I had a little tantrum. I just knew that I would be mad at HIM....madder than ever at HIM, but I was so surprised to find....that I'm not mad at God, not even a little! I know God is there with my friends....I have witnessed so many God moments and so much faith in the last 36 hours that I couldn't possibly be mad at God but just be thankful to Him for sticking with them. I am not mad....I am just plain sad.....sadder than I have ever been.