Three years ago today, my sweet dad lost his short but painful battle with cancer. Yes that is one day after my mamaw passed away. My grandmother's passing was unexpected, but my father's passing was undeniable. Three years ago... I lost my mamaw on a Sunday morning, my father on a Monday evening, buried my grandmother on a Wednesday morning; and buried my father on a Friday afternoon. I was truly living in a surreal and foglike state at that time.My dad had gotten sick that previous summer of 2005. By the time his cancer was diagnosed, it had spread from his lungs to his bones and then to his brain. Those next 5 months went by very fast and very slow. Before I knew it, he had lost his hair to radiation and was losing his fight to this monster of a disease. At first I prayed for healing for my father, and then I began to pray for peace and comfort for him and my mother. The pain he was suffering was almost unbearable to witness.
My dad, Papa, as my children referred to him loved being a grandfather as much as he loved being a father to me. He loved his wife, my mother, with his heart and soul and cared for her better than anyone could. She has been disabled for many years, and he would work all day and come home and take care of his bride. He loved NPayne as if he were the son he never had, and NPayne loved my dad as if he were his own father. He repected NPayne and cherished the fact that NPayne loved me, his one and only child. Papa had a very special relationship with his grandkids especially my boy, Cal. It wasn't that he loved Cal more than the girls, but it was that Cal loved his Papa so very much. If you know anything about people with autism, you know that relationships are very hard to build; so this relationship was one that we celebrated greatly . Papa would take Cal (and the girls) to the movies and to get french fries, and he would sleep with Cal when the kids spent the night. When NPayne and I found out we were expecting a boy, it was right around my dad's birthday; so for his birthday we bought him a little tiny baseball glove. The minute he opened it, a huge grin spread across his face; and he immediately knew he would have a grandson. Papa had a baseball hat, that NPayne had gotten for him, that said Cal on it which he wore every chance he had. It was made to stand for University of California at Berkley, but he proudly word it to show his love for his grandson. When his sickness began to take over his body and frame of mind, I sat down with Addi and Drew (who were 8 and 4 at the time) and told them that he was sick. They asked a lot of questions, or I should say Drew asked a lot of questions, and I answered them as honestly as I could. I never even attempted to explain these things to Cal. After my dad lost his hair, Cal would say to him "Papa, you got a hair cut". This always made my dad smile, and he would agree that he had indeed gotten his hair cut (all of it). Having autism kept Cal from understanding the seriousness and severity of his Papa's illness (so I thought), he defintiely knew something was different; but I didn't think he realized what (but I think I was very wrong in my assumption). As my dad's life began to end rapidly, I would take the kids over to see him. Two days before he passed, I took them over one last time. I knew it would be the last time they would see him alive, and they would have to do the talking; because he was no longer able to speak. The girls kept their distance but waved at Papa, and he smiled. I could tell they were uncomfortable seeing him that way. Cal, however, walked right into the front room, of my parents' home, where my dad was lying in the hospital bed with the hospice nurse beside him. He looked right at my dad and said, "Papa, you got a haircut". Again my dad smiled a big smile, which was the last smile I ever saw. By the next day (the day my grandmother had passed), he was in a comalike state and except for one brief time when he opened his eyes and his blue eyes met mine; I would never see him awake again. He passed away the next night. As I planned his funeral, picked out his burial plot, and attended my grandmother's funeral;over those next few days, I was living in a fog. Addi and Drew knew that their Papa had died and gone to Heaven. Bryna was barely 2, so she didn't know what had happened, and then there was Cal....how would he ever understand this. How? The night before the funeral, we had a private family viewing (not a fan of these but honoring his wishes). As the family came and went, and they were all heading home; there was a moment when nobody was in the viewing room with my father. At this time, Cal got up and went in. He closed the door behind him. After a few minutes, he came out of the viewing room and blew a very gentle kiss to his Papa. It was one of the biggest "God moments" that has ever occured in my life. I have thought about that scenario a lot, and it gives me such comfort. I wonder now if maybe Cal doesn't understand with his very "untypical" brain better than we with our very "typical" brains do or think we do. Since my father's passing, Cal will not go to the movies; and he would not spend the night with my mom that is until this past summer when she finally moved out of THEIR house and into a "new" house (as Cal refers to it). I think that's how he handled the sadness of missing his Papa by refusing to do things he did with Papa. My father's passing has brought many "God moments" to my life....I'll share those in some upcoming posts. But for now, I live in a melancholy state around this time of year; and although it gets easier with each passing year....it will never be the same! I do have the wonderful treasure of being reminded of my son's love for his Papa every night when I kiss him goodnight and see that little tiny baseball glove and that baseball cap that Papa so proudly wore on his head with or without hair. When I ask Cal if he remembers his Papa, he will say "Who's Papa?" and then he will say "YES"!
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